Back to sobriety – Day4


Today is kind of the fifth day already but I basically wake up in the morning to recount the events of the previous day. I woke up a little while ago after 6 hours of good sleep. I would have liked to sleep a bit more but it looks like my body rested enough for me to be up. over the last five days this is becoming a ritual where I wake up just in enough time before my kids so I can type my post and reflect on the day that passed. My faith tells me “Bring thyself to account each day” and the program tells me “continued to take personal inventory”. so it must work because I feel a lot better today. I remember my first withdrawal, there will be lots of ups and downs. I will just enjoy that this moment as I type this, I feel good.

Yesterday was my Son’s 5th birthday. after I posted my day 3 account the kids got up, we had breakfast and hit the road. we needed to run some errands. I got some paperwork done, we went to book a flight for my father who will be joining us in NZ shortly after we return, we went to choose the cake for the kids (one for each child so that the younger girl doesn’t feel left out even though it isn’t her birthday) then got back home. we ordered lunch, ate and I left the kids to my parents to go get the rest of the stuff.

Alone in the car driving off, the first thought that hit me was to go to that mall with the good looking toilette cleaner. I DIDN’T! just sharing that I am still an insane sex addict. I drove to the places I needed to get the stuff for the party, party hats, balloons, paper plates, cups, napkins etc. then went to get light refreshments and drinks and so on. I was so glad to be soberly shopping for his party. I don’t think I would have enjoyed the drive in crazy Cairo traffic in the hot afternoon summer to do anything but act out if I wasn’t sober.

I got home, the kids were napping which allowed me some quiet time. not long enough for me to take a nap but I still managed to spend the day without snapping at the kids. I did use my stern voice occasionally but I was much calmer compared to the previous days and given that I had not had a nap which always affects my level of patience with my little ones.

The party was a blast, my kids had so much fun and the family members who joined us enjoyed a great deal. we held the party at my Grandma’s house with a small family gathering that ended past midnight (kids were delirious and sleepy at the same time). we got home tired and Happy,

I was still able to say my prayers which is the main reason I am making progress. I am also making contact with other addicts, and trying to find ways to connect to the program.

see you in my next post. 🙂

 

SafeTrip 4 Day Zero


it is becoming a tradition to write whenever I am travelling. it helps keep me in contact with you guys and also helps me bring myself to account each day.

My last trip was in December last year and my last post was close to 2 months ago. Man I have been busy. so I will use this opportunity to give you a quick update of where I am at with life and my recovery progress.

I am now working steps 10/11/12 (there is a draft post on that sitting in my draft list for a long while) but the short of it is I am having a blast and enjoying the gifts of recovery. I have 5 sponsees that I work with on regular basis. some more regular than others, yet they all keep me sober. I remind each of them saying that I am working my program just as much as I help them work theirs. it is part of my step 12 and I need it to stay sober. I will write a bit more on my experiencing of sponsoring others in another post.

I have a 10 week old baby girl! some of you may have read about her in my previous post. She continues to grow bigger, healthy and lovely. SHE IS SOO CUTE!!

Work is getting CRAAAZZYYY. it just keeps getting busier every day but the good thing about it, it is not stressful, on the contrary, quite enjoyable. I have a great work relationship with my boss, the team I work with, the partner I manage and I am learning heaps.

I started the first Skype meeting for the Egyptian SLAA fellowship. so far there are only four regular participants including me. there is a lot of material that need to be translated and there aren’t enough members to help with the work needed. but well. one step at a time.

I also started a website for the SLAA fellowship in Egypt. www.slaaegypt.org it is all in Arabic but check it out anyway. it is the most basic website you probably came across but well, progress not perfection.

what else to tell you? kids are sleeping better. things at home are better.   OH YEAH I also went through a 3 months full withdrawal. unplanned but expected, my wife and I couldn’t have sex for a while before the birth then we had to wait a while after birth for her recovery. and guess what. it was much easier than my earlier Accidental withdrawal.

I guess that summarize the last couple of months, I will be writing on daily basis for the time I am in Singapore till I come back. please keep me company.

 

The Accidental Withdrawal


Withdrawal is a topic that came up over and over in SLAA meetings, it is even something experienced lightly for a very brief period when I first started working the program.

I have been sober for 9 weeks now. It is fair to call out that I am not doing a full withdrawal as part of my program. I can’t believe I am sharing this on a blog but, well, it is a relevant piece of information and this is a recovery blog about a sex addiction anyway. So here we go. I am still enjoying sex with my wife on somewhat regular basis, once a week or thereabout.

So I found myself going through an accidental withdrawal for just over two or three weeks.  I actually don’t know the exact count but it felt like 2 to 3 weeks. It wasn’t planned it just happened that my wife and I haven’t had sex for a while. Either busy or tired or not in the mood. I was HORNY… Surprise? Not really. I was aware that these are withdrawal symptoms and I thought I’d pull through to experience what it is like.

Two nights ago I was watching a Stand Up comedian on YouTube, innocent right? Then the guy starts talking about Channing Tatum’s movie “Magic Mike”, which is a male stripping movie. I looked up the movie on YouTube and then Daniel Radcliffe’s gay scene from the movie “Kill your darlings” shows up as one of the recommended Videos! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

I played it of course. It was not a porn kind of scene but it was hot, it aroused me, and got me hocked on all sort of videos on YouTube for over 10 minutes, I knew it was my addict at play. I didn’t watch porn but I explored all these gay relationship clips I could see without feeling that I am compromising my sobriety. It was HARD (as in difficult, this wasn’t meant to be anything else)

Next morning, a normal day took place, I was busy with this and that, kids, house, blah blah, then I went to my SLAA face to face meeting, then got home, kids asleep, AND the wife asked for me. We had sex. And it was almost like it was all okay after that. I know it wasn’t my addict who had sex with her. It was intimate, it was fun for both of us, and it was her who initiated it. But I also know that my addict got something out of it because of that release it offered. It scared me to think of what sobriety would look like if I didn’t have sex with my wife on regular basis, or if I wasn’t married for whatever reason. yes having a wonderful sex with my wife is an amazing by-product of sobriety but I don’t want it to be the main one, I want to be me, whole and complete without sex, and then have sex offer the high it does to normal people rather than have sex offer a rescue for a miserable addict who is desperate for a fix.

Like if you like, share if you think it might help someone, and certainly comment and share your thoughts and feedback, but be kind, I am in early recovery.