after I wrote to you yesterday I carried on with my work calls/emails for a couple of hours, had a shower, packed my stuff and left the apartment I am staying in to go check into the hotel. I am staying in a hotel for a few nights cause I am here on work visit. after I checked in, I went to a male grooming saloon, I checked it to make sure it is not a dodgy one and to make sure I am not putting myself at risk. I bookended before and after the session with another member from the fellowship.
Got back to my room for a quick shower and to change before I go out again. As i was packing my bag to head out I saw my compass. I immediately rememberred that i didn’t say my prayers. so I looked up the directions and said my prayers. 🙂 I am so grateful for that reminder.
when I finished i carried on with the errands I needed to run with various government agencies and embassies. again I was really lucky in being able to get so much done in so little time. I am a very lucky man in general. it shows in most of my dealings. my wife was talking to me and said “you don’t need to buy lotto”! my answer was “of course I don’t, why waste time and energy in the pursuit when my life is full of winning”
later in the afternoon I went shopping for a suit for my sister’s wedding next month. I was looking for a suit for a bit now and i didn’t find something i like within my price range. but this time i was lucky again, found a really affordable and really good looking suit. I still need shirt, shoes and tie but hey, i am a lucky guy so i will find them i am sure.
paid for the suit, got to my room, dropped the suit off and just rested on the bed for a bit after a long day of walking. I had only 15 minutes of down time before i had to head out to dinner with my sister in law and her family. when we met it was a great catching up session but the food could be improved. so I left happy but not full. got to my hotel room, orderred room service, ate and slept.
I had a really good sleep, I was in bed just a bit after ten, I got up briefly at 4 then went back to bed till 5. at 5:30 I wend down to the Gym for a bit, did a bit of cross trainer which i didn’t like it, so i took it outside and started walking in the dark till 6:30. Had a nice walk and a good outreach call. got back to my room, took a shower, ironed a shirt and started to get ready for work.
I met my colleagues for breakfast and the day started. I managed to find a few minutes of alone time to type this. 🙂
thanks for keeping me company
I am sober by a miracle!
So since my last post I had my breakfast and got ready for work and off I went. The work day went well. Many of my colleagues weren’t present because they were tired from the party the night before and decided to work from home.
There is something I forgot to tell you about the work function the night before. We played games and one of the games was to take a few pictures of people at our table doing different funny things. One of them was “a picture of 8 people at the table acting as if they were caught naked”. There was a table that I originally wanted to sit on because it has my boss and a few others that newly became in my team, but it was too full so I ended up somewhere else. The men on that table went to the bathroom, stripped to their undies and took the picture. Also another colleague of mine who I acted out with a few times was in the bathroom at the time, so he joined in the picture. I was so glad I wasn’t sitting on that table.
Anyway, back to my day at work, it was productive despite the last minute meeting cancellations from people who didn’t show up. While I am walking around the office I bumped into that colleague I acted out with. He started talking about the party, showing me the picture and explaining what happened. While the conversation lasted only for a minute and a half I was slightly aroused, so I kept the chat short and continued to where I was going.
I went to the SLAAONLINE.com chat room and shared and I felt comfortable, I was attributing the comfort to having done step five. I am still a sex and love addict, I will get triggered but they won’t kill me. So I am alright.
Later on I attended the NZ SLAA Skype Meeting. It was helpful and I shared. Then when it was over, I took off, ran a few errands then met a female friend of mine for dinner. Great food and lovely company. Then she walked me to my hotel.
I got to my room and decided to treat myself to a bath. While in the bath I started thinking about going to a male grooming studio to do a boyzillian. I have been wanting to do this for a while but recently I decided it is not appropriate given my stage of recovery. When I was doing my step five with my sponsor I told him that I won’t do it. Yet while in the tub I thought it is a very legitimate idea. I started looking for available studios at this hour, called a few until I found one that was open. The way I was searching reminded me of the way I was searching for a fix when I acted out. This time I didn’t waste hours but still the feeling was the same.
When I realized that my addict was at play, I called another SLAA member to outreach, he didn’t answer. So I went ahead, made an appointment and the place happened to be so close to the hotel and very affordable. So I walked over.
The guy had the wax on the burner and the process started!! It was painful! And as the process went on I realized that I am at risk. The guy was obviously gay. He wasn’t making any advances or anything but still it was a risk. I started talking about my wife and my kids, I started praying in my head that nothing happens. And nothing did. So I walked out of that studio with a lot less hair and a lot more humiliation. I felt so humiliated by my actions. Which was probably a good thing, cause I was getting a bit too confident with the sense of serenity I had and the sobriety I am clocking.
The SLAA member called me back just as I left the studio, I outreached. I sent a message to my sponsor and told him what happened, he asked me to read Chapter 3 of the AA big book, reminding me that mixing it with milk doesn’t work. And I went the hotel and slept.
This morning I had an outreach call with another SLAA member that drew a parallel between my overeating the night before and what I did last night. He talked about breaking boundaries trying to figure out what “safe” boundaries can I cross without getting in too deep. He also talked about himself when he did this and how eventually we’ll break a boundary that isn’t safe. It was a very interesting thought. I need to pay attention to it.
I am thankful to have remained sober. I am still feeling humiliated and humbled by my action.
Tonight I fly back home. Will write to you then 🙂