I came out to my mother


My mom is visiting us for the last few months. This is the first time mom and I are in the same place since I started my recovery. regardless of proximity recovery had a huge impact on my relationship with my mom, it is getting progressively better every day. Now with her being with me and my family it is making it even easier for that relationship to improve.

It is relevant to share that my father is also a sex addict (not sure if I shared that in other posts). I only recognized this only after I came to SLAA. I started talking to my mom about the addiction without mentioning that I am an addict and when she came to visit me I took her to S-Anon (for families and friends of Sexholics). I have been going with her on weekly basis and translate to her and translate her shares to the group. which also helped her find her recovery from my dad’s betrayals. but as a result I was so fearful to tell my mom that I am also an addict. I didn’t want her to consider that I am siding my dad because I am like him. so I kept it a secret.

When I made amends to my mom as part of my Step 9, I apologized for the harm and the character defects but I didn’t mention anything about my recovery or being in SLAA. that also went alright.

I really wanted to tell my mom about me being in the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Fellowship. I wasn’t sure how, I wasn’t sure what the impact would be. Yesterday, before I left for work, I told her “there is something I want to talk to you about”. she asked “what?”, I said “later, I am going to work now”. she said “you’ll leave me worried now, just tell me what it is about”. so anyway I sat next to her and told her that I am also a sex and love addict, and it might be hereditary. (not necessarily genetically but through being brought up by a sex addict). she said “I thought you might be, because I researched and there are so many cases where children of sex addicts are sex addicts” and then she went on to assure me that she is not upset. she was proud of me that I am working the steps and that I am focusing on my recovery. 🙂

This morning, also before I get on my way to work, we started talking. the conversation was heading in a direction that wouldn’t make sense if she doesn’t know I am gay. so I had two options if I want to remain rigorously honest, either stop the conversation or come out. I decided to come out. I told her “okay there is something else I need to tell you that might be a shock”, “I am gay”. then I went on to tell her the full story, my ex-boyfriend, my challenge with my marriage, the therapy journey, the support group I wanted to start, and eventually, SLAA.

The minutes that followed were probably the most significant in my life, even more so than that time I held my son for the first time. my mom looked at me and said “I am not shocked, on the contrary, this solved so many puzzles for me and answered a lot of question marks. I always felt that you were very secretive and I never understood what is it you are hiding and why, you felt so distant. now I know why. now I feel like I have my Son. (tears gushed out every time I reach this part when I shared this story today). She hugged me and told me she loved me. I felt so loved, so accepted, so whole and so complete.

my relationship with my mom was instrumental in me feeling “not good enough”. I was often compared with other children in terms of how they perform in school, how tidy they are, how obedient to their parents etc. I always felt that whatever I did won’t be enough, and at some point I resentfully came to terms with this and stopped trying. now with everything that she knows about me, she said “I LOVE YOU” and that she is proud of me.

Thank God for Recovery

#step9: the Amends that didn’t go my way


I just realized that I never mentioned this in any of my posts. as a child I was molested by my older male cousins. they were also kids at the time, 2 and 4 years older than me which was a big gap when I was 10.

The two of them made it to my Step 4 sexual inventory list, which naturally led to them be on my Step 8 and I became willing to make amend to them. You should probably know that what I need to apologize for was more than 20 years ago. also that we’ve been friends (close friends almost) for about 15 years or so.

anyway, as part of my step 9, I initiated contact with each of them trying to coordinate time so we can talk. Generally before every Amends I try to take a bit of time in a quiet area, say a bit of prayers and then make the call. I had that luxury with most of my amends and with one of my cousins. With the second one however, he called me unexpectedly.

Let’s take a couple of steps back. The day I was talking about was one of the roughest in terms of recovery. It started with a bit of resentment that I needed to deal with and look at myself. I was dealing with strong cravings throughout the day. Also I was exploring vine (the social media app) and I stumbled across a number of inappropriate 5 second clips which I didn’t immediately turn away from, but I eventually uninstalled the app because I thought I can’t handle it. And while going through all that combined with a busy work day my cousin called at 5:30pm!!

I felt that this was the will of God for me. I got to take the call and just make the amends. And here is how it went.

Me: ——- a bit of small talk — Him: —— some small talk back—– Me: so I needed to talk to you about something. It has been a long time ago and probably a bit weird that I bring it up but I want to apologize about this incident (and described the situation in question) Him: Man don’t say that, why do you bring it up Me: well I know but I am working on a program that requires me to look into my past and apologize where apology is due, and I feel that I owe you an apology for this. Him: Oh come on it is not such a big deal, it has been forever and it is really not called for to bring it up.

Then the conversation carried on in other direction around our families and our lives and this and that.

I hung up the phone and wasn’t very pleased with the answer. first thoughts were: “Not a big deal?” Of Course it is, it messed me up. (I felt invalidated) then immediately after that I was thinking “I was the one who was molested” he didn’t even say sorry.

I know I know, if you are an addict who is working the program properly you will immediately pick up on the fact that these thoughts are not in line with the spirit of step9. I had to pray about it, share about and talk to my sponsor about it. And now I am sharing it with you. share your thoughts, and please be gentle 🙂

#step9 – my ex boyfriend replied


In response to Letter to my ex boyfriend

Dear —–,

thank you for your words. I am quite sure that you will be able to open the doors of confirmations even wider – day by day – through your struggles to grow within the Love and Guidance of Bahá´u´láh.

May you always be happy and full of servitude.

Thank you,

——

Step9: letter to my Ex Boyfriend


Dear —–,

Thanks for being open to this. As mentioned in my earlier message to you, the purpose of this letter is to apologise. It is really hard to put together an exhaustive list of situations that may have caused you harm, So I won’t.

That being said I want to admit to and apologise for my attitude and actions. In our relationship and interaction I have been self-centred, inconsiderate, fearful, resentful, dishonest and self-righteous. On many occasions it was all about what is convenient for me, what was right for me and what was fun for me. To a large extent your feelings, circumstances, efforts and all else was secondary, and I am truly sorry for that.

You are under no obligation to respond to this. Though if you do, I will listen with a humble attitude and do my best to make things right.

I would also ask that you keep this confidential.

Thanks
—–

Step 9 – First challenge


I didn’t think I will be posting another entry so soon. But here I am.

You all probably know that I completed step 8 and that I am moving to step 9. My first homework was to prioritise the list. I needed categorise which amends are going to be direct vs indirect. Which amends will be made immediately vs deferred. I thought this was an easy task. I prioritised my wife, parents, sibling and children. They are all to be direct amends and as soon as possible. Then the list went on.

I was hoping to make amends to my wife first. I talked to my sponsor about it and the challenge appeared clear. Before my wife and I got married I had told her that I have same sex attraction. I remember at the time telling her “I am bi sexual, and I had a boyfriend”. It took her a while to get comfortable with that fact. And then we got married. I progressively started referring to my sexuality as “gay” rather than “bi” as I really have no attraction to women whatsoever.

Anyway, if you’ve read one of my earliest posts “I am a Sex and Love Addict” you’d know how I came to SLAA in the first place. my wife pretty much knows as much as that blog entry, she knew about my journey, the support group I wanted to start and the fact that I identified as a sex and love addict after my first SLAA meeting. I have been going to meetings since and I am working the steps so she knows when I am in a SLAA meeting, when I am talking to my sponsor, having outreach calls or even out of town for a SLAA camp. She noticed that I have changed and she attributes this to my recovery. The one thing she doesn’t know, is the extent of my acting out. She doesn’t know that I was unfaithful.

I want to do this right. I want to be rigorously honest yet at the same time I was planning to make amends to my wife without completely revealing the details. I have considered that telling her I was unfaithful qualifies as one of the things “when to do so would injure them or others”. Today on my call with my sponsor he questioned my logic. He doesn’t want me to mention too many details but certainly feel that if I were to hide the fact that I was unfaithful then I am not being completely honest.

I don’t know what to do. The only decision I made was to move my wife to the deferred amends and pray about it. I am outreaching and sharing with others asking for Experience, Strength and Hope and if anyone who reads this has something to offer I welcome your thoughts.

4 doesn’t equal 8 and certainly not 9


It should be simple math isn’t it, and I am good at math. so I am working on my step 4 as I mentioned on my last blog and I am making some progress.

Right now I am working on my resentment list. I thought I don’t have a lot of resentment but then occasionally something comes up that I didn’t want to admit or put on the list. like the video guy that ruined my wedding video. as I go through the list and try to get to the exact nature of my wrong it gets hard and emotional sometimes. It sometimes feels like I am letting them off the hook if I were to admit my wrongs. I know it isn’t the case but sometimes it does feel that way.

so there is a person that needs to make it to my resentment list and while thinking about them and about what could possibly by my part in it, I started jumping ahead, and thinking well they are a person I harmed, so they are going to be on my step 8 list, then oh dear does that mean I have to make amends when I get to step 9?  HELL NO, they are the bad ones not me, I am not making amends!!

I had an emotional phone call with my sponsor, shared with him how I feel, he validated my emotions and my struggle, reminded me that it is MY inventory not theirs, and looking at my character defects is for me to get well not for them to get away with it. he also reminded me that I am in step 4 and I should now do my best to follow the step 4 instructions. and he also reminded me to remain willing, he discourage me using words like I refuse, I don’t want to etc. yet he acknowledged that I might not be ready now, but I am willing to go through it and trust in the process, trust in God.