My parallel existence


I was at a meeting today and in my share I verbalized (probably for the 100th time) a constant mental obsession that takes hold of me every now and then.

If you know enough about addiction, it is something that is never truly cured. the neural pathways established as a result of a repeated pattern of addiction don’t magically disappear. In recovery I have the opportunity to build new neural pathways, as a result of living a new pattern of recovery, but, the minute my recovery pattern are weak, the addiction patterns are there waiting to be triggered.

The pull to tap back into that pattern is quite strong. it is like a dry groove so thirsty for water to run through it and turn it into a living breathing stream once more. the unfortunate reality is that what runs through these grooves isn’t water, but chemicals that were once indulged by the substance of choice. (for me, it is sex, romantic obsession, or food).

Now, back to what I was talking about in the first place. the mental obsession. I love being in recovery. I love my life when I am sober, but I always have that pull to revive the old neural pathways. I often imagine a parallel existence where I could act out on my addiction, have a bit of “fun” while at the same time my “other self” remains sober and living recovery. I want to defy the laws of physics as well as the spiritual laws and some how still have two separate realities where I can have my cake and eat it. and that my friends is enough proof I am an addict.

Living a lie


One thing about being an addict, I always felt like I am living a lie! There wasn’t a time where I could honestly call my feelings authentic. I am not saying that I never had authentic feelings, nor am I saying that I was never authentic in my interactions and experiences. I am just saying that I doubted everything I felt. I couldn’t trust my feelings. couldn’t experience them to their fullest. I always felt like I was acting. when something nice happens I felt the obligation to act happy, then I felt guilty about being happy, cause I don’t deserve to be happy, I am a bad person, and bad people should be miserable. Then when I was truly miserable, I felt that it was all my fault, had I been a good person (i.e. not acting out on my addiction) then I wouldn’t have been miserable and as a result I always felt like I don’t have the right to feel miserable cause it was just me to blame.

Now, in recovery, I am a sex and love addict in recovery. I am a compulsive overeater in recovery. I am happy some of the time, sad some other times, frustrated, angry, ecstatic, pleased and all sort of other emotions some of the time. and regardless of the emotion, there is no judgement (well, most of the time) I just try to experience my feelings and sit with them.

Today something really pleasant happened to my wife, she came and shared it with me. I was so genuinly happy, we connected with each other as we both experienced our feelings without judgement. I was briefly reminded of what it was like before and felt immensely grateful for where I am at today.

Thanks for reading, and if you relate to what I wrote, know you are not alone.

11 months later


well hello there, did you miss me?

I just read my latest post here, I wrote that 11 months ago. I was just one week sober then. Gosh, I remember that day very clearly, like it was yesterday. I am surprised that it was that long ago.

so let’s have it, I am 11 Months and one week sober YEEHEEE!!! it wasn’t without crazy insane thoughts, and it wasn’t without challenges, temptations and close calls. but hey, I am here, and I am sober. that is a call for celebration.

I am now facing another addiction. food addiction!! I just joined OA and today was my first abstinent day. let’s see how I go with that.

will keep it short, stay connected and let me know your thoughts.

backache is easier than insanity


I woke up today with a backache, i think I am not dressed warm enough or the bed i am sleeping in is not good for my back. bottomline is I am experiencing pain and pain is a trigger for me. I am familiar with drowning pain “medicating it” in the depth of my depth of my addiction.

I also got a text from my wife asking me to come help with the kids so she can rest as she had a rough night. I didn’t jump to the rescue but I jumped to resentment. I have them full time and I deal with the rough nights pretty much every night since we separated, why couldn’t she do it for a few nights. anyway, i quickly dropped the thought, went and showered, fed the dog breakfast and drove over to home. they were all getting ready to leave so I spent just a bit of time with the kids before they left then sat to have breakfast cause i haven’t figured out the kitchen in the house where I am staying.

I returned back to the house where I am staying, did a bit for work from home and took a nap. the back pain triggered the thought “i need a massage” which i probably do, but no i don’t. I got up, got my stuff ready and drove to the office. I got a phone call from another addict and I had a nice recover conversation. I got to my desk and started working working working until i finished what i needed to finish. I also recorded and edited a video for my YouTube channel! whoohoo, it had been a couple of months since my last video.

after i finished, i went to a SLAA meeting, talked recovery, then drove by carl’s jr to get dinner and drove straight home. I watched the movie Race. heartache. thank goodness we went from a Black gold medalist not being acknowledged by the White House, to a Black president in the white house. I guess Yay for humanity, we are making progress in some areas.

I will say some prayers and go to sleep.

8 days of full withdrawal, 28 Days sober

One week – yet again


I got up at 6 am after just five hours of sleep. I couldn’t go back to bed even though i really wanted to. not a bid deal though. I got up, said my prayers, did some reading, showered, changed, fed the dog breakfast and took her for a walk.

I hit the road and went to see the kids in the morning before going to work. I knew i won’t be able to see them in the evening and I didn’t want to not see them. we played for a bit and I had breakfast at home then I drove to the office.

work was cruisey and light, nothing too much to handle. before five I was out to pick up a friend and go grocery shopping. we bought some stuff and got to his place and I cooked dinner. I made an Egyptian Dish called Koshary. we had a good meal and a good chat before he walked me back to my car. on the way to the car he asked me about being gay and married, he was respectfully curious. it was good practice for me as I work towards coming out. it is also a good reminder that coming out will be a lot easier if I am working my recovery. acting out and coming out will be messy.

I drove home, on the way home I started thinking that maybe i still have some time to squeeze something in, i didn’t go far enough with the thought to explore the something, i started thinking maybe i need an out reach call and just at that moment a fellow addict called. we had a good chat till I got home.

I gave the dog her dinner, brushed my teeth and now typing this. it is almost 11. i will put the dog in her bed and tuck myself in mine.

24 days sober and 7 days in full withdrawal.

Second day and counting. 


So I’ve been sober for roughly 18 days today and in full withdrawal for two days. Today was meh I wasn’t inspired work wise I really want to find another job. 

Summary of the day. I went to work, had a few outreach calls, spoke to my mom and sis over the phone did some more work. I went home early, had a short argument with my dad played with the kids. Had dinner. Played some more. Put two of my kids to sleep as the eldest when to spend the night with his mom. Had another argument with my dad. Watched tv and over ate. Or binge ate. 

But hey I am sober another day. 

You again


I decided today 22/12/2016 to start a period of withdrawal and get back to recovery. I really don’t want to do this but hey first day just passed. 

Maybe short daily posts to check in will be beneficial for me. I will do them from my phone before I go to bed. Nothing fancy. 

Summary of the day is as follows. Rough night with one of my kids. Okay day at work. A couple of outreach calls. Picked the keys to the house I am sitting next week. Had dinner at home. Went to a SLAA meeting. 

Now I will shower, say some prayers, message some recovery partner and go to bed. 

Good night