SafeTrip 4 Day Zero


it is becoming a tradition to write whenever I am travelling. it helps keep me in contact with you guys and also helps me bring myself to account each day.

My last trip was in December last year and my last post was close to 2 months ago. Man I have been busy. so I will use this opportunity to give you a quick update of where I am at with life and my recovery progress.

I am now working steps 10/11/12 (there is a draft post on that sitting in my draft list for a long while) but the short of it is I am having a blast and enjoying the gifts of recovery. I have 5 sponsees that I work with on regular basis. some more regular than others, yet they all keep me sober. I remind each of them saying that I am working my program just as much as I help them work theirs. it is part of my step 12 and I need it to stay sober. I will write a bit more on my experiencing of sponsoring others in another post.

I have a 10 week old baby girl! some of you may have read about her in my previous post. She continues to grow bigger, healthy and lovely. SHE IS SOO CUTE!!

Work is getting CRAAAZZYYY. it just keeps getting busier every day but the good thing about it, it is not stressful, on the contrary, quite enjoyable. I have a great work relationship with my boss, the team I work with, the partner I manage and I am learning heaps.

I started the first Skype meeting for the Egyptian SLAA fellowship. so far there are only four regular participants including me. there is a lot of material that need to be translated and there aren’t enough members to help with the work needed. but well. one step at a time.

I also started a website for the SLAA fellowship in Egypt. www.slaaegypt.org it is all in Arabic but check it out anyway. it is the most basic website you probably came across but well, progress not perfection.

what else to tell you? kids are sleeping better. things at home are better.   OH YEAH I also went through a 3 months full withdrawal. unplanned but expected, my wife and I couldn’t have sex for a while before the birth then we had to wait a while after birth for her recovery. and guess what. it was much easier than my earlier Accidental withdrawal.

I guess that summarize the last couple of months, I will be writing on daily basis for the time I am in Singapore till I come back. please keep me company.

 

Fast Reflections Day 19


Today marked the last day of the Bahai fast, the first fast that I had sober for the entire period. and probably one of the most major milestones in my recovery journey.

My last post was talking about the fabulous sleep I had the night before. looks like I jinxed it. I stayed a bit late that night (by a bit late I mean till 2 am) by the time I got to bed my daughter had wet her bed, I had to change the sheets and change her, then she eventually wanted to sleep in my bed. by five thirty both my kids were up because of whatever. the conclusion is I had 3 hours of sleep.

breakfast, then kids out of the house then working from home followed by a trip to the office in the afternoon and a relatively productive day despite my exhaustion. when I got home, my lovely wife offered that I go for a nap and I did, taking the little baby in my arms. I had a good 90 minutes of deep sleep.

I got up, broke the fast for the last time with my mom and my mom in law then I rushed to my office room to host the SLAA NZ Skype Meeting. so a lot of the guys are on a retreat in Taupo so I was thinking no one is going to show up to the meeting. the meeting started with 4 participants and half way through it a few of the fellows who were on the retreat got on the call. it was great. and everyone had a chance to share. I love the skype meeting.

I want to thank you all for keeping me company during this special time. I might post one more reflection tomorrow celebrating Nowruz but if not then I will post later about something else.

also tomorrow I don’t have to wake up before sunrise, so if the kids remain asleep I will be sleeping in. it is the weekend

 

Fast Reflections day 12


I can’t believe, there is only one week to go before the fast finishes. no wonder it is called fast.

last night I woke up at three in the morning not sure why. I took advantage of that and decided to take my son to pee before he wets his bed again for the third night. I lifted him up from his bed and as I took a step I kicked my shin in his bed from so hard, I almost fell face down with my son in my hand but I manage to lean against the wall instead. it was so painful. anyway I kept it to myself and took him to the toilette. on the way back to place him back on his bad, I kicked the bed with my other leg hurting my other shin so bad. in so much pain I went to add get some ice. long story short it took me a while to get back to sleep. I am laughing as I type this.

I managed to eventually fall back asleep till 6:30 am when my mom woke me up to have breakfast. kids woke up shortly after we finished eating and the mourning routine started. I took my mom with me to go drop the kids off to their day care etc. after we dropped the kids we went to the hospital and spend a good hour with my wife and baby. my new born baby girl recovered well and her jaundice levels normalized. she is feeding well and happy. and she is to leave the hospital the next day.

I got home to do a bit more work and get the one last thing sorted before my baby can be discharged. getting an infant capsule fitted in the car. we had borrowed a capsule from a friend of ours but I couldn’t fit it in the car. it uses hooks that don’t fit my car. so I needed to last minute go and find a new car seat. I ran from one mall to another till I finally got the capsule. after that I got back to the hospital to take care of my baby while my wife takes a nap. I had a blissful 90 minutes of having my daughter sleep in my arms. she is so adorable.

then I got home to spend a bit of time with the kids before I had to disappear for the SLAA.NZ Skype meeting. My mom and my mom in law were able to help put the kids to sleep while I host the call. I was glad I got the Skype meeting going because it was probably the only meeting I could attend this week.

when I finished I had a late dinner with my mom and my mom in law followed by a lovely chat and good laugh before we all got to bed.

while I type this my daughter kept rolling off her bad onto my lap and back on her bad, she is so cute. I am such a lucky father.

more reflections to come

 

#SafeTrip3 – Day Three


Good lovely morning everyone. The sun is out and it is a beautiful day. What is even more beautiful about it is I am flying home in just over 4 hours.

I drove to work yesterday and got there early enough to get myself settled before my first meeting. I had a good few meetings with my boss and colleagues. I had a call with my sponsor. He sounded a bit different than usual, almost made wonder if he had too much to drink. But it was still a helpful call.

There is a gay guy in the Sydney office that I met years ago and kept in touch over time. I made sure I contact him whenever I am in town with the hope of acting out with him. Yesterday I happened to stumble upon him in the office, I asked him out for coffee. We had coffee and chatted, I was very thankful to be sober and thankful I never acted out with him. He appeared uninterested and not that interesting. If I wasn’t sober I would have humiliated myself being flirty and suggestive, then hated myself for not getting what I wanted. This time I was just me, with my integrity and self-respect intact.

The rest of the work day went well. while at work I checked the blog notifications for people who liked my post. I got a like from OAPlascencia. As per my habit I go check people who liked my blog and try and read through their blog to know a bit more about them. this time the blog was full of beautiful words in stories or poems accompanied by pictures romantic in nature between two men. I found myself unable to read through cause it was about to feed my fantasies and trigger me.

After work I went to visit friends briefly and then went to a meeting. I am not a big fan of the SLAA H.O.W. meeting structure. But anyway, I got to share under the new comers’ category because it was my first time to this meeting. They then assigned someone to talk to me after the meeting to make me feel welcomed. It was nice.

After I finished the meeting I found myself wandering the streets of Sydney in my car. I was really hoping for company, connection. Didn’t necessarily want to act out, didn’t fantasise about sex or being touched but I did want to be with someone. Maybe I was trying to avoid feeling alone or lonely. I took a while driving everywhere before I eventually decided to turn on my GPS and head to the hotel. At the hotel I found a family stuck outside their hotel room. A young boy, a mother and a grandmother. They spoke my mother tongue. I called the reception for them to send someone and help them in. While waiting for the hotel staff to come I had a nice chat with them and even played a little with the young boy, he was my son’s age. It was nice, I got my company.

I got back to my room, changed out of my day cloths and had no energy to shower before I went to bed, I had the same feeling I had when I wasn’t sober. Back then I was really tired but I didn’t want to sleep because I might be missing an opportunity to act out. It was weird why I didn’t want to sleep this time because there was nothing planned. I eventually fell asleep with the TV on. Woke up in the middle of the night to switch the TV off and go back to bed.

It is another beautiful morning over here. I have exactly less than four hours to my flight, I am already showered and I don’t have much to pack. Will get dressed, go for breakfast and check out. At the airport I will try to spend some time preparing for the Skype meeting I have tonight, the topic is Anorexia. I need to prepare the script for the meeting and work with the chairperson on it. That will keep me occupied.

I will write to you again from home when I have reached 🙂 thanks for keeping me company

 

 

#SafeTrip2 – Day Three


Not sure how to describe yesterday from a recovery point of view but I will tell you what happened anyway.

So I went to work, had a couple of long meetings then I went with a colleague to a costume shop to rent our outfit for the evening function. We ended up dressing up as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony as part of the movie theme Cleopatra. Then I got back to the hotel because I was tired. I tried to nap and I couldn’t so I went down to the pool and did a couple of laps and got back to my room to get ready.

The function was kind of fun, but I wasn’t as into it as I used to be in previous years. Maybe cause I was still tired. And maybe cause was not actively trying to pursue someone or hoping to be pursued by someone. Not sure. But anyway. I played along, had some fun.

At some point towards the end I was really tired, and slightly displeased cause I wasn’t attracting as much attention as I did in previous similar functions. I wasn’t nominated for best costume, I didn’t win any of the lucky draw prises and the event didn’t follow my plan. So I started noticing myself feeling slightly resentful. Lucky for me I didn’t act out BUT I did something else I wasn’t supposed to do. I have been on a sugar free diet for a few weeks and I am not eating carbs either. Last night after a certain point I went looking for the dessert table and just started eating one piece of dessert after another. Then when I went back to my table I felt a milder version of the same guilt I felt when I acted out in the past after periods of abstinence.

I got back to my hotel room, said my prayers and went straight to bed. I didn’t want to sleep but I really needed to. I am not as restful as I would like to be but I will take it easy today. I am looking forward to the SLAA NZ Skype Meeting this afternoon.

Alright, time for breakfast. Thanks for reading.