I can’t figure it out – (my acting out plan)


if you’ve already read the mess that is me you’d know by now that my sobriety is heavily questionable. I didn’t have a written down bottom-line list and my sobriety definition was basically around nothing of sexual nature outside my relationship with my wife, which rules out masturbation. certainly rules out flirting with a taxi driver or responding to an ad on Craigslist.

I wrote a long list in my previous post about what I am going through but let’s get one thing very clear. I am struggling because I am losing my conscious contact with a power greater than myself. I haven’t been praying. and I am snapping back into self-reliance.

after the first few ejaculations I wasn’t really that welling to remain sober. I was zigzagging between serenity and insanity. I would really like to go act out. I might as well. but I am struggling.

I can’t work out how to act out and still be productive at work, present with my kids, restful and looking after myself with proper sleep. I can’t figure how to go meet someone for sex and treat them as a person not a bag of meat to rob myself against. I can’t figure out how to go embrace another and completely shot out every bit of emotions associated with this act AND at the same time not cause them any hurt or not be selfish. I can’t figure out how to act out and remain rigorously honest. I can’t figure how to keep the level of wholeness and integration I gathered and treasured over the last few months however little it might be.

I met a man through that hooking up app.. we didn’t touch. well we shook hands for greetings, but that was it. he sat a distance away and I was telling him my recovery story and how I have been struggling lately. I had another chat with another guy from the app and we spent a night chatting about sex addiction, its impact and the wonders of recovery. Yet if the chance to be in bed with either of them presented itself I probably would have had this same conversation fully naked in their arms. how hypocritical. I have been deluding myself into a false sense of control it is insane yet I keep doing it. guess what, powerlessness and unmanageability because I am a sex and love addict. I am even typing this as I exchange messages on the app. CRAZY. I do want to get back to the program, sobriety, my sponsees, etc. but I also want to go off with some random stranger.

for all the times I ejaculated, I had a momentary sense of calm that got me thinking of how this would have been if someone else was in the room and I say Hell NO I can’t do this, run to my phone, clear the cash, uninstall the app then two hours later I am installing it back. GRRRR

by the time I post my next blog entry I am not sure what state I will be at or how the quality of my recovery will be. please say a prayer for me

 

#step9: the Amends that didn’t go my way


I just realized that I never mentioned this in any of my posts. as a child I was molested by my older male cousins. they were also kids at the time, 2 and 4 years older than me which was a big gap when I was 10.

The two of them made it to my Step 4 sexual inventory list, which naturally led to them be on my Step 8 and I became willing to make amend to them. You should probably know that what I need to apologize for was more than 20 years ago. also that we’ve been friends (close friends almost) for about 15 years or so.

anyway, as part of my step 9, I initiated contact with each of them trying to coordinate time so we can talk. Generally before every Amends I try to take a bit of time in a quiet area, say a bit of prayers and then make the call. I had that luxury with most of my amends and with one of my cousins. With the second one however, he called me unexpectedly.

Let’s take a couple of steps back. The day I was talking about was one of the roughest in terms of recovery. It started with a bit of resentment that I needed to deal with and look at myself. I was dealing with strong cravings throughout the day. Also I was exploring vine (the social media app) and I stumbled across a number of inappropriate 5 second clips which I didn’t immediately turn away from, but I eventually uninstalled the app because I thought I can’t handle it. And while going through all that combined with a busy work day my cousin called at 5:30pm!!

I felt that this was the will of God for me. I got to take the call and just make the amends. And here is how it went.

Me: ——- a bit of small talk — Him: —— some small talk back—– Me: so I needed to talk to you about something. It has been a long time ago and probably a bit weird that I bring it up but I want to apologize about this incident (and described the situation in question) Him: Man don’t say that, why do you bring it up Me: well I know but I am working on a program that requires me to look into my past and apologize where apology is due, and I feel that I owe you an apology for this. Him: Oh come on it is not such a big deal, it has been forever and it is really not called for to bring it up.

Then the conversation carried on in other direction around our families and our lives and this and that.

I hung up the phone and wasn’t very pleased with the answer. first thoughts were: “Not a big deal?” Of Course it is, it messed me up. (I felt invalidated) then immediately after that I was thinking “I was the one who was molested” he didn’t even say sorry.

I know I know, if you are an addict who is working the program properly you will immediately pick up on the fact that these thoughts are not in line with the spirit of step9. I had to pray about it, share about and talk to my sponsor about it. And now I am sharing it with you. share your thoughts, and please be gentle 🙂

Step5 – check! still a sex and love addict.


SLAA is a 12 step program and today I completed Step 5.

Step five says: “Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.” When I first came to SLAA I had no idea what it means to do the steps. When I started learning about the steps I couldn’t think of anyone in my life that could be the “other human being” to whom I would admit the exact nature of my wrongs. I had not met my sponsor at the time.

Today I spent 8 hours on Skype with my sponsor, going through my inventory. My resentments, my sexual conduct, people I have harmed and my fears. It was painful and joyful, it had tears and laughter. it was the most rapid succession of emotions I experienced in such a short period of time.

Up until yesterday, I had no idea how it would turn out. I was just willing to do it the way it was meant to be done. I couldn’t ask for a better sponsor nor a better experience. I am grateful to God for showing me his love through this Awe-inspiring experience.

 

Step 4 – Sexual Conduct


It is a find day over here, I am sober and I am thankful to God for that. I am feeling clear minded so I thought I’d share some thoughts. if you’ve been following my blog you’d know that about two months ago I started working on my Step 4, I am still working on it and I am making progress. The way I am approaching this step with the help of my sponsor requires going through a number of worksheets, first resentment, then Fear, then sexual conduct and finally people we’ve harmed. My resentment list wasn’t very long but it took a lot out of me to complete, the fear list was relatively easy to compile. Now that I type this I remember that I finished typing the list but I am yet to recite the prayer as prescribed. I have been continually praying though, so I should include the portion around specifically asking God to remove my fears.

A few days ago after I finished my fear list I had a call with my sponsor. the call started with me saying that I am doing great, I was almost uncertain that I am done with my fear list, BUT, after a couple of questions from my sponsor he concluded that I am done and that I shouldn’t try to make it perfect. That meant I had to move on to the next stage: Sexual Conduct! So as we are talking on the phone I pulled the instruction sheet and started looking at the work required for this part of the step and I found myself in tears. It was overwhelming to think that I will have to write down my sexual history, I don’t even think I am capable of remembering an exhaustive list not to mention scared of seeing it on paper.

The call ended and I didn’t touch my list, I read the instructions but I left it at that. then I got really busy for a couple days and I started to realize that I am avoiding the work and so I decided to be willing and I popped open my worksheet and started writing a list of names of people that I acted out with. It was hard in ways I was not expecting. I expected to feel a bit of shame or guilt but rather I was turned on! the memories kept coming back combined with a number of insane thoughts around what I could have done with that person and what I missed out on with this person and all sorts of sexual fantasies kept popping like popcorn in my head. All I wanted to do at that moment is go act out. I was angry at myself for deleting all messages, apps, contact details of people that I could act out with. Of course I knew other ways to act out but while craving it so much I still didn’t want to throw away the program and my sobriety.

I texted roughly about six SLAA members telling them exactly that” I am working on my sexual inventory and all I want to do is go have sex”, then I left my phone and went and said my prayers after my prayers I came back to my phone to see a few replies, some made me laugh, some gave me hope and others cheered me on to keep going. These messages got me through the next couple of hours. I got to my desk at work and still the thoughts haven’t left me, I know exactly where to go, what to do to add a couple of items to my list. I decided to go to the online SLAA IRC chat room, over there I chatted with a lovely bunch of recovering SLAA members and one of them “heard” me share as I typed away and got it all out that I was so emotional my tears were flowing while sitting at my desk at work, I had to step away and get it together so I don’t have to explain to people around me what is going on.

The tears helped, I felt much better and that got me through the next couple of hours of the day and that got me to my next SLAA meeting. I was so happy to be at the meeting. I was so happy to have remained sober.

More work to go with my step 4 and I will be here again writing about it.