SLAA, withdrawal

backache is easier than insanity


I woke up today with a backache, i think I am not dressed warm enough or the bed i am sleeping in is not good for my back. bottomline is I am experiencing pain and pain is a trigger for me. I am familiar with drowning pain “medicating it” in the depth of my depth of my addiction.

I also got a text from my wife asking me to come help with the kids so she can rest as she had a rough night. I didn’t jump to the rescue but I jumped to resentment. I have them full time and I deal with the rough nights pretty much every night since we separated, why couldn’t she do it for a few nights. anyway, i quickly dropped the thought, went and showered, fed the dog breakfast and drove over to home. they were all getting ready to leave so I spent just a bit of time with the kids before they left then sat to have breakfast cause i haven’t figured out the kitchen in the house where I am staying.

I returned back to the house where I am staying, did a bit for work from home and took a nap. the back pain triggered the thought “i need a massage” which i probably do, but no i don’t. I got up, got my stuff ready and drove to the office. I got a phone call from another addict and I had a nice recover conversation. I got to my desk and started working working working until i finished what i needed to finish. I also recorded and edited a video for my YouTube channel! whoohoo, it had been a couple of months since my last video.

after i finished, i went to a SLAA meeting, talked recovery, then drove by carl’s jr to get dinner and drove straight home. I watched the movie Race. heartache. thank goodness we went from a Black gold medalist not being acknowledged by the White House, to a Black president in the white house. I guess Yay for humanity, we are making progress in some areas.

I will say some prayers and go to sleep.

8 days of full withdrawal, 28 Days sober

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SLAA

One week – yet again


I got up at 6 am after just five hours of sleep. I couldn’t go back to bed even though i really wanted to. not a bid deal though. I got up, said my prayers, did some reading, showered, changed, fed the dog breakfast and took her for a walk.

I hit the road and went to see the kids in the morning before going to work. I knew i won’t be able to see them in the evening and I didn’t want to not see them. we played for a bit and I had breakfast at home then I drove to the office.

work was cruisey and light, nothing too much to handle. before five I was out to pick up a friend and go grocery shopping. we bought some stuff and got to his place and I cooked dinner. I made an Egyptian Dish called Koshary. we had a good meal and a good chat before he walked me back to my car. on the way to the car he asked me about being gay and married, he was respectfully curious. it was good practice for me as I work towards coming out. it is also a good reminder that coming out will be a lot easier if I am working my recovery. acting out and coming out will be messy.

I drove home, on the way home I started thinking that maybe i still have some time to squeeze something in, i didn’t go far enough with the thought to explore the something, i started thinking maybe i need an out reach call and just at that moment a fellow addict called. we had a good chat till I got home.

I gave the dog her dinner, brushed my teeth and now typing this. it is almost 11. i will put the dog in her bed and tuck myself in mine.

24 days sober and 7 days in full withdrawal.

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SLAA, withdrawal

A power greater than myself


23 days sober, and 6 days in full withdrawal. WOOHOO.

I slept well last night and slept in, didn’t wake up in the middle of the night and only got up at 7:30 am. it was good to have that amount of rest. I said hello to my host who had not gone on their trip yet, had coffee and chatted for a bit. I got a text from my wife stating that she had a really disrupted night and she needs me to come over to help with the kids for a couple of hours so she can catch up on her sleep. I said yes. the place I am staying at is 10 minutes away from home.

I went home, played with the kids for a bit while she rested. it was fun. she woke up refreshed and rested and was grateful for my help. soon after I got back to my friend’s place. my host was at the final bits of packing and they left shortly after.

I spent a bit of time on my PC looking for the NA Step working guide. I am working the steps now through the NA step questions. it is awesome. I had finished step one I think about a week ago. today I started Step two “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” I answered the first couple of questions and it was a very helpful reminder that while this sucks, I can’t do it, someone else can.

I had a short nap, had a friend come over for a catch up and a bit of a walk, I had a shower, caught up with another friend over a phone call and then had my coaching session.

In my coaching session we spoke about my plan to come out. my coach was very loving and supportive. she will help me through the process. I have started making it known to people.

I got back home, checked on the dog, then drove out to grab a meal (drive through) and got home, watched a few videos on vulnerability by Rene Brown. powerful stuff.

I am going to bed sober. need to say my prayers. 🙂

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Food, SLAA, withdrawal

A gathering of friends 


With the help of my father I managed to sleep in a bit. He looked after the children and fed them breakfast. We did a bit of clean up a bit of play a bit of tv and some cooking. We were invited to a Christmas party and we brought a dish. It was a lovely gathering. And a huge amount of food. I ate too much my tummy is sticking out. 

Now I need to go shower, brush teeth, say my prayers and go to bed. Day four of full withdrawal almost ending and I am still sober. 

I am probably in a total food addiction relapse but will deal with that later. 

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Recovery, SLAA, withdrawal

You again


I decided today 22/12/2016 to start a period of withdrawal and get back to recovery. I really don’t want to do this but hey first day just passed. 

Maybe short daily posts to check in will be beneficial for me. I will do them from my phone before I go to bed. Nothing fancy. 

Summary of the day is as follows. Rough night with one of my kids. Okay day at work. A couple of outreach calls. Picked the keys to the house I am sitting next week. Had dinner at home. Went to a SLAA meeting. 

Now I will shower, say some prayers, message some recovery partner and go to bed. 

Good night 

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SLAA

Goodbye Therapy welcome 12 steps


I started therapy in June 2013. When therapy first started I had a clear agenda in mind, a clear goal that I wanted to achieve through therapy. The Goal was largely to discover myself and build my skills towards being a face to face therapist myself.

Every session, my therapist started by asking me “how would you like to use the time today?” I almost always had an answer to that question, sometimes a clearer answer than others but I always answered the question with something. I had things figured out, I had control in areas of my life and knew of other areas where control didn’t exist. Where I didn’t have control I basically worked to gain control. My therapist continuously challenged the notion of control and highlighted how important it is to me. Reflecting back, my answers were in many ways to drive the session in a direction that gives me access to certain skills and information, as well as self-awareness, to control certain outcomes, and gain control over a given plan.

It was somewhat indirectly but it is ultimately through therapy that I eventually got to SLAA. Check out my “I am a sex and Love Addict” blog post for background.

When I came to SLAA just over six weeks ago I was wondering about the role of therapy in my new found addiction. During the first couple of weeks I got connected to SLA who later became my sponsor. This gentleman always started his phone calls with me by asking “how can I be of help?” and I never know how to answer that question. I am unaware of how to move forward, I don’t know what steps to take and what help to ask for. It was interesting the discrepancy between how I answered my therapist’s question and how I answered (or struggled to answer) my sponsor’s question.

I had one therapy session shortly after I came to SLAA. In that session my therapist asked me “how can I assist you in this journey?” and this time I bounced the question back to her. I shared that I don’t know, and asked “how do you think you could assist me?” She suggested something and we agreed that we will meet a couple of weeks later to attempt that approach. That was three weeks ago. Today was the scheduled session. Half way through the session it became somewhat clear to me that it is time to put therapy on hold. It looks like my therapist saw it too. She asked me, “do you still see therapy to be relevant or would you like to put that on hold?” and I found myself saying that I would like to put it on hold. We managed to spend a few minutes getting closure. I gave her feedback on how our yearlong therapy relationship went. I thanked her for the space she allowed me, for the resources she shared, the transparency she offered in her approach to therapy. She also was able to share words of encouragement and thank me for the feedback and the closure.

This therapy relationship was a wonderful one, it was not something I wanted to end, and I only felt safe to do so because I have my Higher Power, I have my sponsor and I have the SLAA Fellowship.

 

 

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SLAA

4 doesn’t equal 8 and certainly not 9


It should be simple math isn’t it, and I am good at math. so I am working on my step 4 as I mentioned on my last blog and I am making some progress.

Right now I am working on my resentment list. I thought I don’t have a lot of resentment but then occasionally something comes up that I didn’t want to admit or put on the list. like the video guy that ruined my wedding video. as I go through the list and try to get to the exact nature of my wrong it gets hard and emotional sometimes. It sometimes feels like I am letting them off the hook if I were to admit my wrongs. I know it isn’t the case but sometimes it does feel that way.

so there is a person that needs to make it to my resentment list and while thinking about them and about what could possibly by my part in it, I started jumping ahead, and thinking well they are a person I harmed, so they are going to be on my step 8 list, then oh dear does that mean I have to make amends when I get to step 9?  HELL NO, they are the bad ones not me, I am not making amends!!

I had an emotional phone call with my sponsor, shared with him how I feel, he validated my emotions and my struggle, reminded me that it is MY inventory not theirs, and looking at my character defects is for me to get well not for them to get away with it. he also reminded me that I am in step 4 and I should now do my best to follow the step 4 instructions. and he also reminded me to remain willing, he discourage me using words like I refuse, I don’t want to etc. yet he acknowledged that I might not be ready now, but I am willing to go through it and trust in the process, trust in God.

 

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SLAA

Step 4 – ink to paper


kind of ink to paper cause I decided to put it on an excel spreadsheet. it is Friday today, and it was Tuesday that I took the third step. the prayer went like this:

God, I offer myself to Thee 
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!

I recited this prayer in my head a number of times before Tuesday yet when I recited it on the phone with my sponsor it felt so powerful I got emotional. my sponsor gave me two options, to start on step 4 immediately OR right away (he’s got a sense of humour) so I guess I am at step 4.

there is a fair bet of prep work to step 4. I followed instructions (which is very unlike me) but I am turning my will and my live to the Care of God and he showed his care in choosing my sponsor and my sponsor suggested the instructions so I am following God’s will as I understand it. I finished the instructions by Thursday morning and I haven’t been able to put a pen to paper since.

just a few minutes before I wrote this entry I popped open excel and I built the table in the worksheet and started typing, looks like I am much more comfortable typing than writing. I am hoping there isn’t a specific need for me to actually write it with a pen vs. typing it. (lots of redundant comments in my previous sentences but who cares I am not undergoing review)

I know I won’t finish the list tonight, but I started. I am feeling a bit anxious and getting some butterflies in my stomach every time I approach the step. I need to go home soon so I will stop but then I will come back and keep doing it.

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