SLAA

She is depressed again


In case you are coming across this blog for the first time, here are a few quick facts that might give context to this post. I am a gay many, always have been and always will be. I chose to marry a woman. we’ve been together for almost 12 years. we have 3 kids (yes, biologically ours, conceived the good old fashion way). I am also a sex and Love addict in recovery.

A few years ago we hit a wall in our marriage where I couldn’t handle the level of un-diagnosed untreated anxiety and depression that my wife has. My coping mechanism was separating. I basically wanted out unless she sorts herself out. Harsh, I know but hey, I am not perfect. this was the best I was capable of at the time.

My wife since, started a short course of anti-depressants, she started seeing a therapist and we both did couple counseling. It took us over a year of hard work including about 10 months of separation bet we managed to work things out and get back on track as a married couple.

NOW, ALL THE SYMPTOMS ARE BACK. ALL OF THEM. This time I am trying to handle things differently. I am praying, I am asking God for help and guidance. I am also trying to be compassionate and tell myself “She is not a bad person, she is just unwell” and rather than quitting on her, I am hoping I can be there for her to help her with her recovery. in my judgement, she still needs to play her part, she needs to figure out the tools to use, it is not just on me to be understanding and compassionate.

Today was a tough one on me, I couldn’t take one more negative remark, not one more sigh, irritable voice, not one more gasping in shock at one of the kids actions, I just couldn’t. The last of the lot was a dinner time comment from her. I left the dinner table and walked to another room. first I started playing on my phone. then I decided to call a fellow addict in recovery, he didn’t answer, then I decided to pray and remember to forgive and be there for her. it is hard work to do this for an addict like me. I have an easy escape that I am very familiar with. Acting out sexually with the next available gay guy. but I don’t want to escape, I want to stay sober, I want to stay here and use the tools that I gathered from my six years in recovery.

If you read this far, please say a short prayer for me. maybe even leave an encouraging comment. Thanks

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SLAA

Can I suck your dick?


I am sorry, did that sound vulgar? suggestive? inappropriate? well guess what, that same exact thought comes to mind very often when I am talking to a guy. well not any guy, but someone I find remotely attractive.

why am I even sharing this with you? I guess it is to say “hey, I am sober, but I am not cured” we all have crazy thoughts that pop in our heads, but we do not have to act on them. easier said than done, I know, but it can be done.

when the thought comes, I try to not indulge it, I pray and ask my higher power to guide me. I try to focus on the individuality of the person I am speaking to rather than his or my sexuality. I also do what many addicts call “playing the tape forward”. so, let’s say I act on it, fun for five minutes or fifty minutes if I am lucky, and then what? the remainder of the tape is never appealing, so I take it out of the VCR and play a new thought instead.

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SLAA

Loved you before I met you


In the moonlit Egyptian summer night, looking out from the balcony of my parents apartment in a quiet Cairo suburb, holding hands with my then boyfriend and listening to savage garden. I knew I loved you before I met you was the name of the song. I related to every word of it. He was the one, I dreamed him into life.

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

He was my way home. I was completely in love. I couldn’t think of anything better than to be in his arms. even now as I write this, 17 years later, I still feel that slight sense of joy form remembering the feeling I had when I was with him. My sex addiction made him the saviour. He was going to fix me. He was the answer to all my problems. He was the fulfilment of all my dreams. But the fact is, he was none of that.

I had designed a description of my saviour, it was tailor made to represent my fantasy. when I met him, I almost immediately dressed him up in my description. now looking back I could see that it was the wrong size, it ripped the minute he tried it on. But that didn’t alarm me. I was convinced that it fit him perfectly. He was the one.

not sure where to go from there, I was listening to savage garden the other day and it brought back all the memories. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t in recovery from sex and love addiction so I can indulge once more in such feelings. Most times, however, I am grateful for the life I have in recovery. It doesn’t offer the highs of my addiction but it also protects me from the deep lows I was left with in between the highs.

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SLAA

God intervened


every now and then I get flashbacks of times where I acted out on my addiction, or times where I had the opportunity of acting out and I didn’t. when that happens, the feeling that follows this flashback is one of regret. I keep thinking about what I could have done to have more fun but didn’t do. asking myself the question, “I wasn’t in recovery then, why didn’t I just do this or do that”.

today I got my answer. I didn’t do this or that because God intervened. Yes I may have not been in recovery then, or I may have been in a relapse but regardless, the action and the motive were wrong, and sometimes God intervened to save me from myself. so now when I am feeling low and ready to give it all up I can remember that God can intervene again if I seek his help.

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SLAA

It’s your call


there is a saying: “wheter you think you can or you think you can’t, in both cases you are right.” today I texted my sponsor in the morning to commit my day. in my head i worked out that I am busy and that it won’t be practical for me to do my step work writing. so as I am typing I realized that I am PLANNING NOT to do the work. I am actively planning it. so I rephrased my text stating that I will do at least one question of my step work. and I did. i just finished it despite a busy day, and now I even have time to tell you all about it.

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SLAA

It is only natural for the addict


I was having another chat with my sponsor this morning. she said “it is only natural for the aloholic to drink, so it is only natural for the sex addiction to act out sexually”

It was reassuring to hear these words. after reflecting on what I called “my twisted motives” I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. yet when she said these words I could tell myself that my brain is wired that way, being nature or nurture, it is the way it is at the moment. So rather than being overwhelmed by my brain and it’s “natural” wiring, I am just going to focus on how I respond to its promptings.

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SLAA

11 months later


well hello there, did you miss me?

I just read my latest post here, I wrote that 11 months ago. I was just one week sober then. Gosh, I remember that day very clearly, like it was yesterday. I am surprised that it was that long ago.

so let’s have it, I am 11 Months and one week sober YEEHEEE!!! it wasn’t without crazy insane thoughts, and it wasn’t without challenges, temptations and close calls. but hey, I am here, and I am sober. that is a call for celebration.

I am now facing another addiction. food addiction!! I just joined OA and today was my first abstinent day. let’s see how I go with that.

will keep it short, stay connected and let me know your thoughts.

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SLAA

Right sized needs, wrong size life


So I am one week sober! YES, Again. I realized that I was just one week sober 11 days ago. but hey, Progress, not Perfection. I feel that I am making progress.

Today was an interesting one. I almost had an ego driven argument with my father because he is so wrapped up in his reality and with no awareness whatsoever to the world outside his brain. I am the kind that asks clearly for what I want. I am happy to consider something other than what i communicated but it has to come in the form of feedback or communicated somehow. what my dad does on regular basis is completely ignore what I say, then does what he thinks would please me. IT WOULD FREAKING PLEASE ME IF YOU DO WHAT I SAY!! simple right? but hey, what he did was something I needed and it benefits me, just not following my process GRRRRR damn ego!!

then my Ex takes charge of planning a catch up between my friend and I. Totally highjacking my sunday night plan and expecting me to be grateful. i stuck to my plan and ingored her attempt to please me. it borthered me so much. why is everyone trying to please me according to their brain, why don’t they just say “hey, i want to do something nice, would that be it?” and LET ME THE HELL BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

yes yes i hear myself talking. but you get it though, don’t you. it bugs the hell out of me when people make assumptions and operate on the basis that they are true. I make assumptions all the time, I am human, but i think that i try to validate my assumptions and find the source of truth. oh well, I am sure i cut myself more slack in that regard than I do others.

Anyway. the final strike happened at the end of the day. I came out to my father. his reaction was just bleak. it went like this

Me: have you heard of Homosexuality?
Father: YEs
me: okay I am homosexual
Father: is that why you are breaking up with your wife?
me: no, She knew before I married her
Father: OKay, May God be with you and guide you.

REALLY? that’s it? I was really expecting more. but then again he is probably wrapped up in his head with a million and one thoughts and nothing to connect him to the world outside

thanks for reading 🙂 be well.

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SLAA, withdrawal

backache is easier than insanity


I woke up today with a backache, i think I am not dressed warm enough or the bed i am sleeping in is not good for my back. bottomline is I am experiencing pain and pain is a trigger for me. I am familiar with drowning pain “medicating it” in the depth of my depth of my addiction.

I also got a text from my wife asking me to come help with the kids so she can rest as she had a rough night. I didn’t jump to the rescue but I jumped to resentment. I have them full time and I deal with the rough nights pretty much every night since we separated, why couldn’t she do it for a few nights. anyway, i quickly dropped the thought, went and showered, fed the dog breakfast and drove over to home. they were all getting ready to leave so I spent just a bit of time with the kids before they left then sat to have breakfast cause i haven’t figured out the kitchen in the house where I am staying.

I returned back to the house where I am staying, did a bit for work from home and took a nap. the back pain triggered the thought “i need a massage” which i probably do, but no i don’t. I got up, got my stuff ready and drove to the office. I got a phone call from another addict and I had a nice recover conversation. I got to my desk and started working working working until i finished what i needed to finish. I also recorded and edited a video for my YouTube channel! whoohoo, it had been a couple of months since my last video.

after i finished, i went to a SLAA meeting, talked recovery, then drove by carl’s jr to get dinner and drove straight home. I watched the movie Race. heartache. thank goodness we went from a Black gold medalist not being acknowledged by the White House, to a Black president in the white house. I guess Yay for humanity, we are making progress in some areas.

I will say some prayers and go to sleep.

8 days of full withdrawal, 28 Days sober

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