Recovery

Stop coughing! It sounds annoying


Imagine hearing someone with a bad cold coughing ,and telling them to stop it because you are annoyed by their cough. Now let’s change the bad cold to depression, wouldn’t it be the same if you tell them to stop being grumpy, or irritable or moody or dramatic or whatever it is that they are doing simply because they are depressed?

So that is what I keep telling myself so I can remain present, remain supportive and remain empathic towards my wife as she goes through her depression.

I am not a saint either. If someone has a bad cold and coughing but they keep wearing light clothing in the middle of winter, they are not increasing their fluid intake and getting a good dose of vitamin C I’d be annoyed at them. I mean I get it, you have a cold but do something about it so you can get better.

So I am at that very delicate spot of wanting to be there for my wife and at the same time I really need her to do something about it because I refuse to accept the symptoms of depression as the new norm. I am happy to put up with them for until she recovers from the illness but for God’s sake, do something that helps you recover. Now, how do you say that to someone who is depressed without making it worse? Man it is so not easy. But today I managed to do some of that. I have been praying and sharing with other addicts to keep my motives and actions in check.

I don’t just want her to start popping anti-depressants but I also don’t just want this to be life for the foreseeable future. Either ways, I am powerless over her choices. I can’t make them for her nor can I force her in any direction. I have to practice acceptance.

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SLAA

Loved you before I met you


In the moonlit Egyptian summer night, looking out from the balcony of my parents apartment in a quiet Cairo suburb, holding hands with my then boyfriend and listening to savage garden. I knew I loved you before I met you was the name of the song. I related to every word of it. He was the one, I dreamed him into life.

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

He was my way home. I was completely in love. I couldn’t think of anything better than to be in his arms. even now as I write this, 17 years later, I still feel that slight sense of joy form remembering the feeling I had when I was with him. My sex addiction made him the saviour. He was going to fix me. He was the answer to all my problems. He was the fulfilment of all my dreams. But the fact is, he was none of that.

I had designed a description of my saviour, it was tailor made to represent my fantasy. when I met him, I almost immediately dressed him up in my description. now looking back I could see that it was the wrong size, it ripped the minute he tried it on. But that didn’t alarm me. I was convinced that it fit him perfectly. He was the one.

not sure where to go from there, I was listening to savage garden the other day and it brought back all the memories. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t in recovery from sex and love addiction so I can indulge once more in such feelings. Most times, however, I am grateful for the life I have in recovery. It doesn’t offer the highs of my addiction but it also protects me from the deep lows I was left with in between the highs.

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SLAA

God intervened


every now and then I get flashbacks of times where I acted out on my addiction, or times where I had the opportunity of acting out and I didn’t. when that happens, the feeling that follows this flashback is one of regret. I keep thinking about what I could have done to have more fun but didn’t do. asking myself the question, “I wasn’t in recovery then, why didn’t I just do this or do that”.

today I got my answer. I didn’t do this or that because God intervened. Yes I may have not been in recovery then, or I may have been in a relapse but regardless, the action and the motive were wrong, and sometimes God intervened to save me from myself. so now when I am feeling low and ready to give it all up I can remember that God can intervene again if I seek his help.

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SLAA

It’s your call


there is a saying: “wheter you think you can or you think you can’t, in both cases you are right.” today I texted my sponsor in the morning to commit my day. in my head i worked out that I am busy and that it won’t be practical for me to do my step work writing. so as I am typing I realized that I am PLANNING NOT to do the work. I am actively planning it. so I rephrased my text stating that I will do at least one question of my step work. and I did. i just finished it despite a busy day, and now I even have time to tell you all about it.

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