#SafeTrip Day Three


Really? Just three days? Why does it feel like I have been on the road for eternity? Could be because I am still sober? Sitting with time?

So hey, again, Thanks for reading and thanks for all the support that you offered in response to my daily post or in reply to my tweets. Also some of you have been emailing me and messaging me using other forms to keep me company. YOU ARE PART OF MY MIRACLE. And thanks to God, I am still sober.

Yesterday was bizarre. I had breakfast, got back to my room and got dressed and ready to go. Taxi didn’t quite know how to get me to the office despite having the address given to him in Korean, he put on his GPS and refused to follow the GPS instructions which is bizarre. it was okay for me to judge as an observer that this guy is lost cause he refuses to follow the steps offered by the GPS to get him to the destination. How stupid is that? If you want to get to a place and someone who has the map tells you turn right you’d be dumb not to. … Wait, but isn’t that what all of us addicts do when we relapse? We are not willing to follow instructions and we are asserting our will.

So I got to the office eventually, had a lovely two hour meeting followed by lunch and a walk in the old palace of the king. it was nice of my colleague to dedicate that time to show me around. And the place was right next door to the heart of the city. Then we got back to the office to meet another guy. Walks through the door this young shy Korean boy. He is probably in his 20s. He didn’t speak much English in front of me because he was shy, and he smiled because he was shy. I was trapped. I was flirting with my eyes every possible eye contact. GRRRR I was bouncing between restraining my addict and being my addict at a rate of 500 times a minute. It was exhausting. The meeting ended well, we finished a productive and meaningful presentation according to my colleagues. Then I had an hour to myself to do a bit of work before I had to catch a taxi to the airport again.

The taxi ride to the airport was over an hour long. I was tired had a bit of a cat nap then got to the airport and I was ready for a fix. I went to the bathroom to change into something a bit more comfortable for the trip and I spent a little too long looking in the mirror. I checked in and passed immigration only to find myself in the most crowded airport I have experienced. I was tired and feeling lonely while not alone, cute guys everywhere. I should at least get an idea of what audience is here to ‘meet’ (me thinks)! And the miracle happened. A SLAA member sent me a message asking me how I am, he had been reading my #SafeTrip entries and wanted to check on me. I started whining and complaining about the loneliness and the crowd and the cute boys and then as I was walking I came across a live band was playing the violin and the piano. God gave me music because He knew that is what I needed on top of the outreach from my SLAA friend. I sat down on the floor and literally started weeping. Tissues everywhere. I recorded a WhatsApp message that I heard later and didn’t understand a thing of what I said because I was just a mess. The music helped and my friend had a single goal in mind, to get me to safety. He kept me company for easily an hour via text and voice notes till I felt better. I took the train to my gate and suddenly it was this peaceful place. Not a lot of people. I sat to have a bite before the flight, got online and did a bit of this and a bit of that and when I got on the flight I fell into deep sleep for 5:30 hours then I got to my hotel checked in, showered, and slept again for about 4 hours. I got up said my prayers and started writing this.

I am so thankful to be sober today and to be able to share this with you. . I am staying for two nights in my current destination for a change so I don’t have to rush to the airport. I will be attending a face to face meeting tonight.

 

 

Step 4 – ink to paper


kind of ink to paper cause I decided to put it on an excel spreadsheet. it is Friday today, and it was Tuesday that I took the third step. the prayer went like this:

God, I offer myself to Thee 
to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always!

I recited this prayer in my head a number of times before Tuesday yet when I recited it on the phone with my sponsor it felt so powerful I got emotional. my sponsor gave me two options, to start on step 4 immediately OR right away (he’s got a sense of humour) so I guess I am at step 4.

there is a fair bet of prep work to step 4. I followed instructions (which is very unlike me) but I am turning my will and my live to the Care of God and he showed his care in choosing my sponsor and my sponsor suggested the instructions so I am following God’s will as I understand it. I finished the instructions by Thursday morning and I haven’t been able to put a pen to paper since.

just a few minutes before I wrote this entry I popped open excel and I built the table in the worksheet and started typing, looks like I am much more comfortable typing than writing. I am hoping there isn’t a specific need for me to actually write it with a pen vs. typing it. (lots of redundant comments in my previous sentences but who cares I am not undergoing review)

I know I won’t finish the list tonight, but I started. I am feeling a bit anxious and getting some butterflies in my stomach every time I approach the step. I need to go home soon so I will stop but then I will come back and keep doing it.

I am a Sex and Love Addict


Now that I think about it, sex and sexuality have always been something on my mind. I was chatting with a SLA from the US and he was talking about addiction as a permanent disease, saying “this is it, we can’t go back to that point before we became sex addicts”. When I think about that statement it makes me wonder, even if that is what I wanted, or if that was even possible, I don’t know if such point existed in my life. I don’t recall a time in my life where I didn’t obsess over body parts, sensual thoughts, etc. Could that mean I was born an addict? Or was there something in an earlier part of my childhood prior to my registered memory that affected me in that regard? Is it that I can’t remember it because of how early it happened? or because I blocked it out? I guess I might never know and that doesn’t really matter. I discovered over the years that finding out the reason for why something happened isn’t always a factor in how it might turn out in the future. (This isn’t a general rule though but it applies very well here).

 

Over the years sexuality was a confusing matter, but then eventually I came to grips with the fact that I have homosexual attractions, yet I always wanted to marry and have kids. Forget about the drive behind that desire, the end result is I am married and I have two children. I guess in many ways I coped with my sexual orientation by surrounding myself with female friends and a set of platonic gay friends. It helped me be who I am and express part of me that needed to be expressed. (Not necessarily sexually)

 

Over the years, the number of such friends rapidly changed and my wife and I became surrounded by other married couples with children. The “natural” segregation in many of the gatherings with such friends was, men in one corner and women in the other. I found myself stuck among a group of heterosexual men that I couldn’t relate to, couldn’t be part of their conversations nor am I the least bit intrigued by their interests. Also something about the group of men I hung out with, I missed any sort of intimate connection. A connection that I had with my gay friends and female friends that are no longer around me. I suffered mostly in silence, mostly unaware of the source of suffering, and then the suffering steadily took its toll on my marriage.

 

A year ago I was training to be a counsellor and as part of that I got access to a therapist. We led a journey of search and explorations in various aspects of my personality, sexuality, marriage, career, childhood and much more. Through that search I came to the faulty conclusion that the suffering is because of my inability to express elements of my personality pertaining to my sexual orientation. So I decided to reach out to other men who are in similar circumstances to mine. Married or committed to a female partner and dealing with homosexual attractions. The idea was to start a support group for such men. I decided to educate myself in preparation for this support group. I talked to a number of people, support organisations for Gay and Married men in various countries, research departments for religious organisations that dealt with similar matters and of course therapists. One of the therapists I talked to suggested I look into 12 steps groups there might be something I could learn from them.

 

That suggestion was easily 7 months old when I went to an AA meeting for the first time. In the AA meeting I found out about SLAA. SLAA had meetings in town and two weeks later I went to the first one. I was very nervous. When I heard the sharing of some of the members I was stunned at how much I related, I was sitting among a bunch of heterosexual men and I related to their experience. And the penny dropped, my suffering had nothing to do with my orientation. I am a Sex and Love Addict.