Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day 17


wow two more days to go. this Fasting month is going by Fast (pun intended)

again usual stuff at night. girl waking up for mummy, boy waking up to pee, girl waking up again for mummy, but on the plus side, no one wet their bed so it was a relatively easier night. but I still hadn’t had enough sleep. so in the morning, after breakfast and after the kids got up, I went back to bed. at about 8:15 am. I didn’t get up for another hour and a half. it was amazing.

I got to the office late but it was alright as I didn’t have any meetings in the morning. work was productive. I had a few sponsee calls. I had a couple of outreach calls. I also had a chance to sit quietly in a room and say my prayers as well as pray for others in the fellowship.

today I also recorded my first Audio Post. to test the water and see how it goes. you can listen to it below. I like to speak, but I need to figure out what to put as an image as I am not ready to have my face on YouTube yet. (you can see the amateur picture in the video, not so cool)

I got home had dinner with the family and washed the dishes while my wife was putting the older kids to sleep. I wished to be the one putting them to sleep but well. I was too tired to be patient enough, she did a better job at it. when I finished I took my baby daughter in my arms and sat on the recliner chair and before I knew it, I was in deep sleep. I so needed it. got up to find that my wife had taken the baby to feed and my mom had covered me with a blanket. lol.

when I got up I had a shower and changed out of my work cloths and I am now typing this. will post it and go back to sleep 🙂

More reflections to come (at least two more)

 

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast reflections day 15


rough night, what’s new. so I won’t talk about it.

today was my first day back at work full time after the birth of my baby girl. (she is SOO CUTE!!) and I had a work commitment early on. so I was woken up by my mom after she prepared breakfast, I started eating, kids joined in etc. then I went to shower and get ready for work.

kids got ready, off they went with their grandmothers to their preschool and I was about to hit the road for work when my wife asked me to say prayers together, so we did. I found myself sitting in meditative state long after she stopped reading her prayer. I enjoyed it so much.

On the drive to work the traffic was heavy at 8 am. I consider my time in the care “me time” it is the time I reflect, listen to music, my books or make outreach calls. so in the middle of my reflection about how tough the weekend has been I remembered how I eagerly called someone else to get a “social fix” or went and acted out for a sexual fix. this time I found myself turning to God and saying “you are my only friend”, “let me know what you want me to do” then shortly after I had a call with one of my sponsees. what a blessing to be able to help someone else.

the day went alright work wise. towards the end I was almost hesitant to drive home. but I did. I got to blissfully carry my baby girl for a while. I played a bit with my kids till it was time to help them get ready for bed. then I had dinner, I listened to my wife play the piano and now I am on the sack ready for another night.

more reflections to come.

I fell asleep without publishing this leaving the laptop on my lap. my wife closed the lid and left it there. in case I needed again she said. #SMH

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day 12


I can’t believe, there is only one week to go before the fast finishes. no wonder it is called fast.

last night I woke up at three in the morning not sure why. I took advantage of that and decided to take my son to pee before he wets his bed again for the third night. I lifted him up from his bed and as I took a step I kicked my shin in his bed from so hard, I almost fell face down with my son in my hand but I manage to lean against the wall instead. it was so painful. anyway I kept it to myself and took him to the toilette. on the way back to place him back on his bad, I kicked the bed with my other leg hurting my other shin so bad. in so much pain I went to add get some ice. long story short it took me a while to get back to sleep. I am laughing as I type this.

I managed to eventually fall back asleep till 6:30 am when my mom woke me up to have breakfast. kids woke up shortly after we finished eating and the mourning routine started. I took my mom with me to go drop the kids off to their day care etc. after we dropped the kids we went to the hospital and spend a good hour with my wife and baby. my new born baby girl recovered well and her jaundice levels normalized. she is feeding well and happy. and she is to leave the hospital the next day.

I got home to do a bit more work and get the one last thing sorted before my baby can be discharged. getting an infant capsule fitted in the car. we had borrowed a capsule from a friend of ours but I couldn’t fit it in the car. it uses hooks that don’t fit my car. so I needed to last minute go and find a new car seat. I ran from one mall to another till I finally got the capsule. after that I got back to the hospital to take care of my baby while my wife takes a nap. I had a blissful 90 minutes of having my daughter sleep in my arms. she is so adorable.

then I got home to spend a bit of time with the kids before I had to disappear for the SLAA.NZ Skype meeting. My mom and my mom in law were able to help put the kids to sleep while I host the call. I was glad I got the Skype meeting going because it was probably the only meeting I could attend this week.

when I finished I had a late dinner with my mom and my mom in law followed by a lovely chat and good laugh before we all got to bed.

while I type this my daughter kept rolling off her bad onto my lap and back on her bad, she is so cute. I am such a lucky father.

more reflections to come

 

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast reflections day 11


another exhausting day. my 4-year-old wet his bed for the second night in a row. I woke up at 4 am to change sheets and wash him up. I am wondering if that is because of the new sister. my 2-year-old was also unsettled in her sleep so I pretty much had very little sleep and I am not a good person when I don’t get enough sleep.

while I was planning to work mornings only this week, my job allows me flexibility. I decided to push work aside to the afternoon and went with my mom in law to the hospital after we dropped the kids off at day care. we spent a bit of time with my wife and baby then went to run some errands. I got home to do some work and then took my mom to pick the kids up and go to the hospital so the kids can spend some time with their sister and mom.

when we got back from the hospital we spent a bit of time playing then showering the kids, feeding them dinner, hoping to put them to bed early. IT TOOK TWO HOURS! I am fasting, I am tired and really grumpy. I wasn’t the best farther. actually I was a terrible father. I snapped at the kids.

I am really tired AGAIN (I bet you are tired reading that I am tired). but well. I love that I get to sleep and have another day tomorrow

More reflections to come.

 

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Fasting, Recovery

Fast Reflections Day 10


after the rough night I told you about in my previous post I just went on with the day as per usual. I woke up a bit late today as my mom got up early to prepare breakfast for us. I tired to go back to sleep for a bit before the kids got up. I probably clocked half an our of extra rest.

I started working shortly after the kids got up and started having their breakfast and I wasn’t the most productive. wasted a lot of time. I was tired and unmotivated. but well I did get a few things done. I stopped work just past midday and went for a short nap then took a shower and got on my way to the hospital. I spent most of the afternoon with my wife and the baby.

there is really very little that we have control over. too many variables around us. controls is an illusion indeed. so my baby has jaundice, really strong. she needs to go through phototherapy. also she needs a bit more food that what she is currently getting through breastfeeding. as she is too lethargic to suck properly. the nurse was very sympathetic, and attentive. we got a pump for my wife to start expressing her milk and give the baby more milk that what they get by sucking. the story brought back the painful memories of our first child’s jaundice and breastfeeding challenges. we had so many issues with him that it was too painful, I didn’t want to have another child as a result (and look at us having three).

I have strong opinions about breastfeeding, jaundice and infant care. I had asserted many of these opinions with health professionals and with my wife when my first was born. it was terrible. combined with my wife’s post natal depression, it was a recipe for disaster. this time I was able to recognize the “self-seeking” character defect and the desire to be right and to control everything around me. I tried so hard to detach from these ideas and let things flow. I tried as much as possible to just be present, and support my wife through what she is going through.

I kept identifying her feelings and acknowledging them, then I asked how can I be helpful? she said, you are doing it! you are being helpful. I felt so privileged to have the chance to be the husband she needed at that point of time. and felt so blessed to have such family.

I came to a mother in distress who was in tears and feeling helpless, frustrated and worried and left a happy woman who was smiling while breastfeeding, pumping and holding our daughter to the UV light all at the same time.

Thank God for recovery

I got home, fed the kids dinner, put them to sleep with a little help from my mom in law. and then it was time for me to break the fast with my mom and the rest of the evening went really well. we said some healing prayers for my daughter and my wife and now I am typing this and will be ready to sleep.

more reflections to come

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day nine


so this week I am working half days only so work doesn’t pile up while I am looking after my family. so on Tuesday woke up early for breakfast before sunrise, started the day with the kids, did a bit of work from home till about midday then went to see my wife and baby, ran some errands, then back at the hospital for more time with my wife and baby then back home again to get the rest of the family to see the baby for the first time. by the time I got home it was about 5:30 pm. we don’t break the fast till 8 pm and the visiting hours are 6 to 8.

the “plan” was that the grandmothers (we have both of them visiting) will look after the kids, feed them early dinner so that we head to the hospital and the rest of the family gets to see the baby for the first time. while they feed the kids dinner I was hoping to take a quick nap as I was really tired and grumpy. then we get back round 8 so that mom and I can break the fast. of course that was MY PLAN. need I tell you it didn’t go according to MY WISHES?

Got home my daughter was crying to the top of her voice cause her brother hit her. calm my daughter down, talk to my son about what he did, give them both hugs and reassurances. I understand that they are both acting out because they miss their mom and probably impacted by the new arrival. when things settled I was hoping to get a power nap. went into a room, and twice my son stormed into the room just as I was about to drift away. long story short I am still tired and grumpier.

we went to the hospital. kids had fun patting and holding the baby but of course the grandmothers are exclaiming every other minute “watch out”, “not like this”, “careful the baby”. so I knew that will eventually be too much for the little ones to take so I took them to the visitors lounge along with their new puzzle that their mom and I bought on behalf of their little sister. we got some play time, while the two grandmas catch up with my wife and baby.

I got home just after eight, hungry and tired and the kids need to sleep. tried as much as possible to assist while my mom in law was looking after them, then got to eat a bit and I went again to attend to the kids as they were still up at 8:30. I got into the room with them, said prayers and told stories of their baby sister until they fell asleep.

I managed to brush my teeth and get into bed. I was really tired. I missed praying that day and I feel bad about it. the night wasn’t the best either. my son wet his bad so I had to wake up at 4 am, change sheets, wash him up and settle him back to sleep. then my daughter woke up a couple of times. SIGH

more reflections to come

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Recovery, SLAA

I came out to my mother


My mom is visiting us for the last few months. This is the first time mom and I are in the same place since I started my recovery. regardless of proximity recovery had a huge impact on my relationship with my mom, it is getting progressively better every day. Now with her being with me and my family it is making it even easier for that relationship to improve.

It is relevant to share that my father is also a sex addict (not sure if I shared that in other posts). I only recognized this only after I came to SLAA. I started talking to my mom about the addiction without mentioning that I am an addict and when she came to visit me I took her to S-Anon (for families and friends of Sexholics). I have been going with her on weekly basis and translate to her and translate her shares to the group. which also helped her find her recovery from my dad’s betrayals. but as a result I was so fearful to tell my mom that I am also an addict. I didn’t want her to consider that I am siding my dad because I am like him. so I kept it a secret.

When I made amends to my mom as part of my Step 9, I apologized for the harm and the character defects but I didn’t mention anything about my recovery or being in SLAA. that also went alright.

I really wanted to tell my mom about me being in the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Fellowship. I wasn’t sure how, I wasn’t sure what the impact would be. Yesterday, before I left for work, I told her “there is something I want to talk to you about”. she asked “what?”, I said “later, I am going to work now”. she said “you’ll leave me worried now, just tell me what it is about”. so anyway I sat next to her and told her that I am also a sex and love addict, and it might be hereditary. (not necessarily genetically but through being brought up by a sex addict). she said “I thought you might be, because I researched and there are so many cases where children of sex addicts are sex addicts” and then she went on to assure me that she is not upset. she was proud of me that I am working the steps and that I am focusing on my recovery. 🙂

This morning, also before I get on my way to work, we started talking. the conversation was heading in a direction that wouldn’t make sense if she doesn’t know I am gay. so I had two options if I want to remain rigorously honest, either stop the conversation or come out. I decided to come out. I told her “okay there is something else I need to tell you that might be a shock”, “I am gay”. then I went on to tell her the full story, my ex-boyfriend, my challenge with my marriage, the therapy journey, the support group I wanted to start, and eventually, SLAA.

The minutes that followed were probably the most significant in my life, even more so than that time I held my son for the first time. my mom looked at me and said “I am not shocked, on the contrary, this solved so many puzzles for me and answered a lot of question marks. I always felt that you were very secretive and I never understood what is it you are hiding and why, you felt so distant. now I know why. now I feel like I have my Son. (tears gushed out every time I reach this part when I shared this story today). She hugged me and told me she loved me. I felt so loved, so accepted, so whole and so complete.

my relationship with my mom was instrumental in me feeling “not good enough”. I was often compared with other children in terms of how they perform in school, how tidy they are, how obedient to their parents etc. I always felt that whatever I did won’t be enough, and at some point I resentfully came to terms with this and stopped trying. now with everything that she knows about me, she said “I LOVE YOU” and that she is proud of me.

Thank God for Recovery

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Recovery

Angry at my Son and I blame recovery


Here is another one of those eye openers I referred to in my previous post.

Most recently I have been having an increasingly difficult time with my kids’ bed time routine. My son takes forever to go to bed and the last few times I put him to sleep up until the point mentioned in this post I actually raised my voice and threatened of different types of punishment if he were not to stop fussing/tossing/talking or whatever else he does to stall and prolong the process. And I hated myself every time afterwards.

The time I want to mention here was a new low. And it wasn’t even night time, it was nap time. He was really tired and he really needed to nap. Or more like I needed him to nap so that he is well rested and we don’t spend the rest of the day with a grumpy child. We started fine and the pattern followed. This time I hit a new low. I got really upset with his tossing and the subject this time was that the cover wasn’t adjusted properly. I got so angry I snatched the cover while yelling “stop this” and as I placed the cover after snatching it, it hit his face. I had no intention of hitting him, and this is the first time I ever did such thing. Even though the intention wasn’t to hit and the cover hitting his face was accidental and wasn’t too painful, it was a shock to him. And more importantly a shock to me. What happened to me?

Let’s take a few steps back. As a young man, I thought parents around me sucked big time. I arrogantly wanted to have children to show the world how it is done. I knew I was going to be the “perfect” parent. As if such thing existed. I did eventually realize that I am not a perfect parent and that parenting is harder than what I thought it would be. That being said I still pride myself on how I kept my cool. I was always calm and thoughtful about my parenting decisions in the most stressful situations. I could face hours and hours of grumpiness and constant crying but still stay “Zen”. I was the parent described in the book “Scream Free Parenting”. I also made my wife feel terrible about herself as a mother for snapping at the kids. Questioning her ability to mother if she couldn’t keep it together. That was the case before recovery. And so that you know, my wife is on my step 4 resentment list for snapping at the kids.

Now back to the day mentioned earlier. I was feeling miserable the rest of the day. My wife asked me “what’s wrong?” I told her that I hit our son and shared what happened. She gave me a hug and said “I relate.” We chatted about it further and as we were discussing she asked me “could this have anything to do with your recovery? Cause I never saw you so angry!” It got me thinking. Then she added “as crazy as it sounds, it makes you more human. It always amazed me how you never snapped at them”

She was right, and I know the reason why I was so calm with the kids. I was under the influence. I was high on acting out. I had the “perfect” way to process such overwhelming emotions. Now that I am sober I am faced with the real beast within me. My character defects that need to be removed rather than be sexually medicated. I found myself tearing and saying sorry to my wife. When she asked what for, I replied “a whole lot of stuff”. this is not my amends making but this experience will contribute to my amends making process.

As for my son. I have been attempting things differently. I start bed time routine by explaining that I understand he doesn’t want to sleep. Or that he finds it difficult to sleep. I tell him about things that he found once frustrated and now he masters. I tell him that it is okay he finds falling asleep difficult and that he will need to learn to fall asleep. Whenever he fusses and provokes me to get the pattern started I remind him that “dad will not yell at you tonight” and that I will support him to help him fall asleep. It is been only a couple of days but I feel like my relationship with my son is going in a slightly more positive direction than the one it was headed towards prior to this realization.

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