SLAA

My parallel existence


I was at a meeting today and in my share I verbalized (probably for the 100th time) a constant mental obsession that takes hold of me every now and then.

If you know enough about addiction, it is something that is never truly cured. the neural pathways established as a result of a repeated pattern of addiction don’t magically disappear. In recovery I have the opportunity to build new neural pathways, as a result of living a new pattern of recovery, but, the minute my recovery pattern are weak, the addiction patterns are there waiting to be triggered.

The pull to tap back into that pattern is quite strong. it is like a dry groove so thirsty for water to run through it and turn it into a living breathing stream once more. the unfortunate reality is that what runs through these grooves isn’t water, but chemicals that were once indulged by the substance of choice. (for me, it is sex, romantic obsession, or food).

Now, back to what I was talking about in the first place. the mental obsession. I love being in recovery. I love my life when I am sober, but I always have that pull to revive the old neural pathways. I often imagine a parallel existence where I could act out on my addiction, have a bit of “fun” while at the same time my “other self” remains sober and living recovery. I want to defy the laws of physics as well as the spiritual laws and some how still have two separate realities where I can have my cake and eat it. and that my friends is enough proof I am an addict.

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Food, Recovery, SLAA

Living a lie


One thing about being an addict, I always felt like I am living a lie! There wasn’t a time where I could honestly call my feelings authentic. I am not saying that I never had authentic feelings, nor am I saying that I was never authentic in my interactions and experiences. I am just saying that I doubted everything I felt. I couldn’t trust my feelings. couldn’t experience them to their fullest. I always felt like I was acting. when something nice happens I felt the obligation to act happy, then I felt guilty about being happy, cause I don’t deserve to be happy, I am a bad person, and bad people should be miserable. Then when I was truly miserable, I felt that it was all my fault, had I been a good person (i.e. not acting out on my addiction) then I wouldn’t have been miserable and as a result I always felt like I don’t have the right to feel miserable cause it was just me to blame.

Now, in recovery, I am a sex and love addict in recovery. I am a compulsive overeater in recovery. I am happy some of the time, sad some other times, frustrated, angry, ecstatic, pleased and all sort of other emotions some of the time. and regardless of the emotion, there is no judgement (well, most of the time) I just try to experience my feelings and sit with them.

Today something really pleasant happened to my wife, she came and shared it with me. I was so genuinly happy, we connected with each other as we both experienced our feelings without judgement. I was briefly reminded of what it was like before and felt immensely grateful for where I am at today.

Thanks for reading, and if you relate to what I wrote, know you are not alone.

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