God’s confirmations and blessings


I had a bit of an interrupted sleep. got up at five and managed to go back to sleep an hour later till 8. by the time I showered, prepared my stuff and fed the dog breakfast there was just enough time to drive to the house and see the kids briefly before they head out with their mom. i did that.

on my drive to the office i spoke to my mom on the phone. we had a bit of a frictionful (is that even a word) conversation. and smart me decided to bring up my public coming out and she basically shut down, started feeling depressed and wouldn’t even speak to me.

i felt miserable and self pitying. bad stuff for recovery. anyway, got to work, and got work done. had a nice lunch with a friend and a good walk. then I finished work early. i wasn’t feeling sober minded. I called a fellow addict and he suggested we meet. so I got home, changed, went back to the city (the city is like 15KM away from where I am staying). we had dinner and caught up. it was helpful.

after i finished dinner, I drove willfully to a beach which is famous for being “cloths optional” nudist beach. I was hoping I’d see some eye candy. i was also hoping to get in and have a swim. only saw elderly big bellied hairy men (sorry if that sounds shallow, but hey i was going there for eye candy, that is shallow too) I ended up taking pictures of the sunset and post them on my personal social media.

I then picked a couch surfer from the city, we went home and had a cup of tea and chatted after i had a shower and changed. when we finished the tea, we drove back to the city and had a nice walk, went to bar for a drink and then said goodbye.

I was so not wanting to go home and so not wanting to be alone and so not caring about remaining sober but still not wanting to act out if any of this makes sense. I stayed in my car in the parking lot singing Karaoke on an app then decided to drive home. on the way home i tried to call my mom and she was not willing to talk to me. she sounded so depressed.

at home now, just before I type this, my cousin and I had a phone conversation cause he say that my facebook page says i am gay. he wanted to know how he can support me and he wanted to assure me of his love and unconditional acceptance.

I feel so happy and grateful for God’s confirmation. I need to remain sober to focus on this effort.

 

26 days sober, 9 days of full withdrawal.

I came out to my mother


My mom is visiting us for the last few months. This is the first time mom and I are in the same place since I started my recovery. regardless of proximity recovery had a huge impact on my relationship with my mom, it is getting progressively better every day. Now with her being with me and my family it is making it even easier for that relationship to improve.

It is relevant to share that my father is also a sex addict (not sure if I shared that in other posts). I only recognized this only after I came to SLAA. I started talking to my mom about the addiction without mentioning that I am an addict and when she came to visit me I took her to S-Anon (for families and friends of Sexholics). I have been going with her on weekly basis and translate to her and translate her shares to the group. which also helped her find her recovery from my dad’s betrayals. but as a result I was so fearful to tell my mom that I am also an addict. I didn’t want her to consider that I am siding my dad because I am like him. so I kept it a secret.

When I made amends to my mom as part of my Step 9, I apologized for the harm and the character defects but I didn’t mention anything about my recovery or being in SLAA. that also went alright.

I really wanted to tell my mom about me being in the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous Fellowship. I wasn’t sure how, I wasn’t sure what the impact would be. Yesterday, before I left for work, I told her “there is something I want to talk to you about”. she asked “what?”, I said “later, I am going to work now”. she said “you’ll leave me worried now, just tell me what it is about”. so anyway I sat next to her and told her that I am also a sex and love addict, and it might be hereditary. (not necessarily genetically but through being brought up by a sex addict). she said “I thought you might be, because I researched and there are so many cases where children of sex addicts are sex addicts” and then she went on to assure me that she is not upset. she was proud of me that I am working the steps and that I am focusing on my recovery. 🙂

This morning, also before I get on my way to work, we started talking. the conversation was heading in a direction that wouldn’t make sense if she doesn’t know I am gay. so I had two options if I want to remain rigorously honest, either stop the conversation or come out. I decided to come out. I told her “okay there is something else I need to tell you that might be a shock”, “I am gay”. then I went on to tell her the full story, my ex-boyfriend, my challenge with my marriage, the therapy journey, the support group I wanted to start, and eventually, SLAA.

The minutes that followed were probably the most significant in my life, even more so than that time I held my son for the first time. my mom looked at me and said “I am not shocked, on the contrary, this solved so many puzzles for me and answered a lot of question marks. I always felt that you were very secretive and I never understood what is it you are hiding and why, you felt so distant. now I know why. now I feel like I have my Son. (tears gushed out every time I reach this part when I shared this story today). She hugged me and told me she loved me. I felt so loved, so accepted, so whole and so complete.

my relationship with my mom was instrumental in me feeling “not good enough”. I was often compared with other children in terms of how they perform in school, how tidy they are, how obedient to their parents etc. I always felt that whatever I did won’t be enough, and at some point I resentfully came to terms with this and stopped trying. now with everything that she knows about me, she said “I LOVE YOU” and that she is proud of me.

Thank God for Recovery

Angry at my mother and saved by recovery


A few things happened this week that were eye openers. I will dedicate one post to each of them. And here is a first.

24th December was the last working day in 2014 for me. We were invited for dinner as a family and we needed to bring a plate and my son was already on school holiday. I had originally planned to work from home that day to help my mom with the food preparation and with looking after my son while my wife is at work.

Two things changed the plan, one I woke up to find my mom not well and still in bed. Two I realized I needed to hand in some receipts at work so I needed to drive to the office. So I told my mom to remain at home and rest, I will drive my daughter to day care, and take my son to work with me. Just as I left the house my mom got up and started to prepare food. I did what I needed to do at work and spent most of the time being with my son. When he got bored we decided to head back home. I got home to find my mom didn’t sit still. Food was almost all ready and she didn’t rest. I went to put my son down for his nap and told her to go rest. I told her that I will take a short nap and go pick my daughter up from day care.

I had a nice short nap, woke up, and found the car is gone. My mom had taken it to go pick my daughter up. I WAS FUMING. How could she do that? despite me telling her to rest and that I will go to pick my daughter up. I could go on about how worried about my mom’s health and wellbeing etc. which is true, but the real reason I was upset is that she didn’t conform to my plan. My arm was twisted. I was not in control.

I had an outreach call with another SLAA Member and when I was done I was still fuming. My mom came back with my daughter and walked in to my room seconds after I finished my call. I told her that I was upset and I needed time alone to say my prayers then I will come and talk to her. She left, I closed the door and said my prayers quietly and meditated. When I finished. I went and talked to her. I explained that the reason I was upset is that I had a plan and things didn’t go according to my plan. I gave her a hug and we were good. And while I didn’t expect nor ask for an apology she apologised that her action triggered my upset.

The above situation resemble many others of similar nature and it always went terribly, with blame, accusations and mom and I really upset for days (or months) so the face that this took minutes was only a blessing of the recovery process.