The mess that is me


Just ten days ago I was sober for 11 months. that is probably not the case anymore.

I came to Egypt on a visit with my 5-year-old and my 3-year-old, leaving my wife and baby back where we live. I arrived with my two kids after a nearly 30-hour journey on the 14th of June. I was beat. my sister got married on the 20th of June. that was the primary reason I came down. today is the 2nd of July.

I will put down in bullet points some of the things I have been experiencing, feeling and doing. not in any particular order.

  • there is a ten-hour time difference so jet lag was rough on me and the kids. I had little sleep
  • because of the messy schedule (mine and the kids) and living in a house where my sister is planning her wedding. I got distracted from saying my prayers.
  • my parents and my sister were all sickly and exhaustingly creating dramas and thriving on it.
  • Egypt was hot, dusty to a level that needed adjusting to.
  • my stuff was cluttered out of a suitcase I felt so unsettled
  • my sister was my first child, I pretty much raise her, it was unbelievable to watch her as a bride! I was overcome with emotions.
  • I didn’t have much time to spend with my sister cause before the wedding she was busy preparing and after the wedding she was, well, married and then she left the country with her husband 4 days later.
  • I have been working since the 23rd of June, from midnight till whenever (anywhere between 7 am and mid-day)
  • I haven’t been able to make out reach calls to other addicts.
  • I haven’t been able to keep the SLAA Egypt Skpye meeting going due to lack of privacy, kids’ demand and poor connectivity.
  • I was only able to attend the NZ Skype meeting twice and not even fully.
  • I wasn’t able to talk to my sponsor for the first 10 days for the trip
  • given my working hours I have been functioning on 1 to 4 hours of sleep every day and not even at one go.
  • work was very busy and full on.
  • I have been checking out ads on personal websites
  • I have installed and uninstalled a proximity app for gay hook-up nearly five six times
  • I have been emailing random strangers and even talking to them on the phone (nothing sexual or explicit) but they are of those sits/apps
  • I have ejaculated a few times some are involuntary as a result of a prolonged state of arousal and some is self-pleasuring.
  • I am off my Low Carb diet and eating sugars like crazy.
  • I am still not saying my prayers consistently

hmmm I will write something else in another blog post shortly

 

SafeTrip4 – Day 6 I am home


so I did fall asleep shortly after I published my last post. I woke up at three in the morning to find the lights on, I went to put the laundry in the drier, turn off the lights and get back to sleep. I got up a bit after six, got the dry laundry out, got dressed and called my sponsor as I took my morning walk.

Most of the call I chatted with my sponsor about the male grooming session I had, he asked question to help me examine my motive of doing this. a lot of it was how I feel rather than how it looks. I will certainly do it again but I will always make sure I investigate the place I investigate the place I am going to and bookend before and after.

I got back to the place I am staying, showered, got dressed and got in a cab to go to the SLAA retreat. what a blessing that there is a retreat on the day. I couldn’t spend more than three hours but I am glad I went anyway. after I left the retreat I went for a final round of shopping. if had a lot of disposable income I would rapidly turn into a shopoholic. I really enjoy buying new cloths hehehe.

finished my shopping, got back to the house, dumped my stuff and went for a walk to the food court to eat my first meal of the day, (yeah I didn’t have breakfast and lunch at the retreat was Pizza and I am avoiding carbs) I again went out without my phone, just got my wallet to pay for food and buy a few more items that my wife had asked for. when I returned I had a slow and leisurely time packing my stuff. I only needed to leave the house at about 7 pm, and generally I would still be packing and not yet dressed until 5 minutes before i have to leave. this time i was fully packed and had a cab booked by 6 PM.

Got to the airport, and went straight to the lounge, had a bottle of water and started watching a movie on my tablet. when it was time I went to the gate, boarded, and I fell asleep before take off. i didn’t even put my seatbelt on. (lucky they didn’t notice. they woke me up for the first meal and I denied it and went back to sleep. It was a 10 hour flight and I probably slept for 7 hours in total.

I got home, had a nap then spend time with the family, then we had guests over for dinner, all happy and well. I am showered, I said my prayers and i will finish typing this and go to sleep.

thanks for keeping me company. my next trip is to Egypt in 3 weeks. i might post something before then.

Fluffy Almond Pancakes


first I want to thank The Nourishing Home for their Fluffy pancake recipe. it is the best I have found on the internet and I looked for a while. that said I modified it to my liking and here is my version.

Ingredients

  • 1  cup blanched almond flour
  • 1/2 tsp baking soda
  • 1 large egg
  • 1/2 cup Full Cream Milk
  • 1 tbsp melted butter
  • 1 tsp pure vanilla extract
  • 1/4 tsp apple cider vinegar

Recipe

I mix the almond flour with the baking soda in a mixing bowl then create a little dip in the mix pushing the dry mix to the sides of the bowl in a round shape.

I add the egg, pour the cooled melted butter, the apple cider vinegar and the vanilla extract. then I start mixing the wet ingredients with a manual whisk slowing combining it with the dry mix. then I start adding the milk and mixing it all together. I don’t pour all the milk at once but I add it till it reaches the thickness I desire. you can do the same.

then go ahead and pan fry then on a nonstick pan and enjoy it with your favourite spread.

Maybe …


Maybe it is just the heat, or maybe I feel this way cause I over eat, or do I eat because of the things I can’t defeat

How about just a treat, maybe I will fall standing on my feet, who am I kidding, recovery isn’t an easy feat

All this hard work, all this pain all the energy I could deplete

If I were to give in.

The heat is causing people to strip, shorts and pants barely hanging above the hip! Guys with sexy abs filling me with shame and my tummy size has only me to blame.

Should I diet? Or have one more bite? LCHF or run up a cliff, or maybe some sit-ups and push-ups.

I could go to the Gym, and hope not to lust over he and him. I could make my amends and give up the false pretence. Or I could do the pile of work that has been accumulating, that must be better than procrastinating.

I can’t live life the same way I did. I had a smile I had wit, I had patience my wife couldn’t get. I can’t get lean and pretend to be clean while having sex like a machine. I can’t binge eat and get fat on each treat and be unexplainably depressed I can’t keep lying and watch the time flying I can’t just live life the same way I did and all I feel like doing now is get another hit.

 

#SafeTrip2 – Day Three


Not sure how to describe yesterday from a recovery point of view but I will tell you what happened anyway.

So I went to work, had a couple of long meetings then I went with a colleague to a costume shop to rent our outfit for the evening function. We ended up dressing up as Julius Caesar and Mark Antony as part of the movie theme Cleopatra. Then I got back to the hotel because I was tired. I tried to nap and I couldn’t so I went down to the pool and did a couple of laps and got back to my room to get ready.

The function was kind of fun, but I wasn’t as into it as I used to be in previous years. Maybe cause I was still tired. And maybe cause was not actively trying to pursue someone or hoping to be pursued by someone. Not sure. But anyway. I played along, had some fun.

At some point towards the end I was really tired, and slightly displeased cause I wasn’t attracting as much attention as I did in previous similar functions. I wasn’t nominated for best costume, I didn’t win any of the lucky draw prises and the event didn’t follow my plan. So I started noticing myself feeling slightly resentful. Lucky for me I didn’t act out BUT I did something else I wasn’t supposed to do. I have been on a sugar free diet for a few weeks and I am not eating carbs either. Last night after a certain point I went looking for the dessert table and just started eating one piece of dessert after another. Then when I went back to my table I felt a milder version of the same guilt I felt when I acted out in the past after periods of abstinence.

I got back to my hotel room, said my prayers and went straight to bed. I didn’t want to sleep but I really needed to. I am not as restful as I would like to be but I will take it easy today. I am looking forward to the SLAA NZ Skype Meeting this afternoon.

Alright, time for breakfast. Thanks for reading.