#SafeTrip Day Three


Really? Just three days? Why does it feel like I have been on the road for eternity? Could be because I am still sober? Sitting with time?

So hey, again, Thanks for reading and thanks for all the support that you offered in response to my daily post or in reply to my tweets. Also some of you have been emailing me and messaging me using other forms to keep me company. YOU ARE PART OF MY MIRACLE. And thanks to God, I am still sober.

Yesterday was bizarre. I had breakfast, got back to my room and got dressed and ready to go. Taxi didn’t quite know how to get me to the office despite having the address given to him in Korean, he put on his GPS and refused to follow the GPS instructions which is bizarre. it was okay for me to judge as an observer that this guy is lost cause he refuses to follow the steps offered by the GPS to get him to the destination. How stupid is that? If you want to get to a place and someone who has the map tells you turn right you’d be dumb not to. … Wait, but isn’t that what all of us addicts do when we relapse? We are not willing to follow instructions and we are asserting our will.

So I got to the office eventually, had a lovely two hour meeting followed by lunch and a walk in the old palace of the king. it was nice of my colleague to dedicate that time to show me around. And the place was right next door to the heart of the city. Then we got back to the office to meet another guy. Walks through the door this young shy Korean boy. He is probably in his 20s. He didn’t speak much English in front of me because he was shy, and he smiled because he was shy. I was trapped. I was flirting with my eyes every possible eye contact. GRRRR I was bouncing between restraining my addict and being my addict at a rate of 500 times a minute. It was exhausting. The meeting ended well, we finished a productive and meaningful presentation according to my colleagues. Then I had an hour to myself to do a bit of work before I had to catch a taxi to the airport again.

The taxi ride to the airport was over an hour long. I was tired had a bit of a cat nap then got to the airport and I was ready for a fix. I went to the bathroom to change into something a bit more comfortable for the trip and I spent a little too long looking in the mirror. I checked in and passed immigration only to find myself in the most crowded airport I have experienced. I was tired and feeling lonely while not alone, cute guys everywhere. I should at least get an idea of what audience is here to ‘meet’ (me thinks)! And the miracle happened. A SLAA member sent me a message asking me how I am, he had been reading my #SafeTrip entries and wanted to check on me. I started whining and complaining about the loneliness and the crowd and the cute boys and then as I was walking I came across a live band was playing the violin and the piano. God gave me music because He knew that is what I needed on top of the outreach from my SLAA friend. I sat down on the floor and literally started weeping. Tissues everywhere. I recorded a WhatsApp message that I heard later and didn’t understand a thing of what I said because I was just a mess. The music helped and my friend had a single goal in mind, to get me to safety. He kept me company for easily an hour via text and voice notes till I felt better. I took the train to my gate and suddenly it was this peaceful place. Not a lot of people. I sat to have a bite before the flight, got online and did a bit of this and a bit of that and when I got on the flight I fell into deep sleep for 5:30 hours then I got to my hotel checked in, showered, and slept again for about 4 hours. I got up said my prayers and started writing this.

I am so thankful to be sober today and to be able to share this with you. . I am staying for two nights in my current destination for a change so I don’t have to rush to the airport. I will be attending a face to face meeting tonight.

 

 

#SafeTrip Day Two


So first off let me put myself and everyone at ease and celebrate the fact that by God’s Grace I am still sober today. 93 Days. And it is only by God’s grace. I didn’t even want to be sober last night but God wanted me to, and the only thing I did is just let it be and not stand in the way.

So where were we? Oh yes, I was hungry and writing my “Day One” blog entry. Shortly after that I said my prayers, then went to have breakfast the minute the buffet opened. Then back up at my room, I ironed a shirt got ready for work, packed, check out of the hotel and gone to the office. Had lovely meetings with a lot of good people in the office. Now that I think about it, I am somehow loved by some individuals in my office. They appeared happy to see me, a couple of them wanted to have lunch with me. That was lovely.

I had only 4 hours to spend at the office before my taxi was schedule to come pick me up and send me to the airport. Meetings were productive and enjoyable and then I hit the road. The taxi driver is an older gentleman that I always rely on to drive me places when I am in town. We had a lovely chat about God’s care, our will vs. God’s will and a number of other topics and fun comments. He is a lovely man. I was dropped off, checked into my flight and I am at the airport again.

I never acted out at airports before, but I always wanted to, I usually turn my proximity app on and start seeing who’s available. And it is like chasing a dream because often times the location of the people on the app wasn’t updated after they boarded the plane. hehehe. so anyway, this time I turned the SLAAONLINE.org chat room on and started talking to other SLAA members online, the time flew by until I had to rush to my gate or I’d miss my flight.

I was sitting in a two seat row with no one next to me. Which was good. I was again looked after by my higher power. Well I am always looked after by my higher power but I was again aware of what my higher power is doing for me to keep me safe. There was a good looking guy a few rows ahead of me. I kept reminding myself not to objectify, he is a human being not the front end of my sexual objectification. That was at the start of the trip. 3 hours later I was so tired and I started thinking, I don’t mind being the front end of someone else’s sexual objectification. I WAS SO TIRED! insane thoughts popped like popcorn in my head. One after the other.

I landed in Korea and suddenly felt a bit lonely. It is my first time here and I don’t speak any Korean. In the past when I travelled to countries where I don’t speak the language, I managed to connect using acting out. Sex is a universal language come to think of it. So I thought I was “connecting”. the addicts in the room know very well that was an illusion. So anyway I sat in a cab for half an hour, to get to the city. The driver knew hardly any English, he wasn’t even attractive but I so wanted him to touch me. I acted out in taxis before. I know where to naturally put my hand to accidentally touch his. Anyway I didn’t. And he didn’t either. I tried to make conversations so asked him if he has kids because I could sign “baby” in a way that he understood. So he answers “no, single”! and I think “oh poor guy, would you like a release?” I didn’t tell him that but I wanted to. Then I go off wondering, what if Korea gets attacked then they have to cancel all flights and I will be stuck here so it will then be okay to act out. Right? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAa

When I got to my hotel room I was so tired not just physically but I was exhausted by my thoughts . I wanted to cry. I got online and joined part of the SLAAONLINE.org meeting and shared and that helped. I showered, changed and turned off the lights to catch some sleep. 4 hours later I was up before my wakeup call. So I will be tired again tonight. Oh HALT!! God save me.

I said my prayers this morning. I need to get ready and check out because I am flying again tonight. Look forward to my next blog post tomorrow morning.