SLAA

The Cute guy at the meeting


Thursday night is the regular men’s SLAA group in Auckland which I have been attending religiously since I came to SLAA with very few exceptions. last Thursday I was a little late to the meeting. (I am generally there well before it starts). so the meeting had started everybody is sitting, someone is sharing. there were 4 new comers that night and as I walk through the door one of them looked towards the door and our eyes met. first thought “he is cute” second thought “I bet he’s gay”. anyway I sat at the nearest chair, listened to the sharing and shared when I was asked to share.

After the meeting finished, at the informal part of the meeting I met one of the new comers and we chatted, turns out he identifies as bi-sexual he acted out with men and women and he was telling me about how he got to SLAA then the cute guy comes and joins. we had a quick chat, they asked for my number to outreach and I gave it to them. then the two of them started talking about watching a movie.

cute guy: “we should go watch Shame
me: that’s a porn movie really
cute guy: It is about sex addiction
me: yeah I know but I can’t handle it, the guy is really cute and he’s naked a lot
cute guy: and he’s got a big cock too
me: aaaaaa I didn’t need to know that (and in my head “oh dear he is gay”)

I left the meeting that night feeling …. actually I don’t know what I was feeling. I was certainly thinking it would be nice to have sex with him. he is still in active addiction and haven’t made up his mind to “Stop living out a pattern of sex and love addiction” as he put it in his share. DAMN IT!!  while driving home I remembered something my sponsor told me. He said if you are scared to act out then you are relying on yourself and of course you should be scared because you couldn’t keep yourself sober in the past. but if you are relying on God to keep you sober and remain willing the fear will go away. when remembered that I felt a lot calmer and told myself, “I don’t have to worry about a thing, God is doing for me what I can’t do for myself. I will be alright” and that’s that. got home met the family and all is good with the world. then cute guy sends me a message to say “Shame started” AAAAAAAAAAAAa where was that calm I had an hour ago? it vanished. I replied saying “please don’t tell me about it”

I am not scared but I am kind of intrigued partially interested and maybe grieving the loss of my addiction. oh the freedom I would have had if I wasn’t in recovery. but then again I look at the Freedom from addiction that I experience at all other times and I remember that I don’t want to compromise that. God grant me the serenity

 

 

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SLAA, Step 9

#step9 – my ex boyfriend replied


In response to Letter to my ex boyfriend

Dear —–,

thank you for your words. I am quite sure that you will be able to open the doors of confirmations even wider – day by day – through your struggles to grow within the Love and Guidance of Bahá´u´láh.

May you always be happy and full of servitude.

Thank you,

——

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SLAA, Step 9

Step9: letter to my Ex Boyfriend


Dear —–,

Thanks for being open to this. As mentioned in my earlier message to you, the purpose of this letter is to apologise. It is really hard to put together an exhaustive list of situations that may have caused you harm, So I won’t.

That being said I want to admit to and apologise for my attitude and actions. In our relationship and interaction I have been self-centred, inconsiderate, fearful, resentful, dishonest and self-righteous. On many occasions it was all about what is convenient for me, what was right for me and what was fun for me. To a large extent your feelings, circumstances, efforts and all else was secondary, and I am truly sorry for that.

You are under no obligation to respond to this. Though if you do, I will listen with a humble attitude and do my best to make things right.

I would also ask that you keep this confidential.

Thanks
—–

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Recovery, SLAA, Step 9

Step 9 – First challenge


I didn’t think I will be posting another entry so soon. But here I am.

You all probably know that I completed step 8 and that I am moving to step 9. My first homework was to prioritise the list. I needed categorise which amends are going to be direct vs indirect. Which amends will be made immediately vs deferred. I thought this was an easy task. I prioritised my wife, parents, sibling and children. They are all to be direct amends and as soon as possible. Then the list went on.

I was hoping to make amends to my wife first. I talked to my sponsor about it and the challenge appeared clear. Before my wife and I got married I had told her that I have same sex attraction. I remember at the time telling her “I am bi sexual, and I had a boyfriend”. It took her a while to get comfortable with that fact. And then we got married. I progressively started referring to my sexuality as “gay” rather than “bi” as I really have no attraction to women whatsoever.

Anyway, if you’ve read one of my earliest posts “I am a Sex and Love Addict” you’d know how I came to SLAA in the first place. my wife pretty much knows as much as that blog entry, she knew about my journey, the support group I wanted to start and the fact that I identified as a sex and love addict after my first SLAA meeting. I have been going to meetings since and I am working the steps so she knows when I am in a SLAA meeting, when I am talking to my sponsor, having outreach calls or even out of town for a SLAA camp. She noticed that I have changed and she attributes this to my recovery. The one thing she doesn’t know, is the extent of my acting out. She doesn’t know that I was unfaithful.

I want to do this right. I want to be rigorously honest yet at the same time I was planning to make amends to my wife without completely revealing the details. I have considered that telling her I was unfaithful qualifies as one of the things “when to do so would injure them or others”. Today on my call with my sponsor he questioned my logic. He doesn’t want me to mention too many details but certainly feel that if I were to hide the fact that I was unfaithful then I am not being completely honest.

I don’t know what to do. The only decision I made was to move my wife to the deferred amends and pray about it. I am outreaching and sharing with others asking for Experience, Strength and Hope and if anyone who reads this has something to offer I welcome your thoughts.

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SafeTrip, SLAA

#SafeTrip3 – Day Three


Good lovely morning everyone. The sun is out and it is a beautiful day. What is even more beautiful about it is I am flying home in just over 4 hours.

I drove to work yesterday and got there early enough to get myself settled before my first meeting. I had a good few meetings with my boss and colleagues. I had a call with my sponsor. He sounded a bit different than usual, almost made wonder if he had too much to drink. But it was still a helpful call.

There is a gay guy in the Sydney office that I met years ago and kept in touch over time. I made sure I contact him whenever I am in town with the hope of acting out with him. Yesterday I happened to stumble upon him in the office, I asked him out for coffee. We had coffee and chatted, I was very thankful to be sober and thankful I never acted out with him. He appeared uninterested and not that interesting. If I wasn’t sober I would have humiliated myself being flirty and suggestive, then hated myself for not getting what I wanted. This time I was just me, with my integrity and self-respect intact.

The rest of the work day went well. while at work I checked the blog notifications for people who liked my post. I got a like from OAPlascencia. As per my habit I go check people who liked my blog and try and read through their blog to know a bit more about them. this time the blog was full of beautiful words in stories or poems accompanied by pictures romantic in nature between two men. I found myself unable to read through cause it was about to feed my fantasies and trigger me.

After work I went to visit friends briefly and then went to a meeting. I am not a big fan of the SLAA H.O.W. meeting structure. But anyway, I got to share under the new comers’ category because it was my first time to this meeting. They then assigned someone to talk to me after the meeting to make me feel welcomed. It was nice.

After I finished the meeting I found myself wandering the streets of Sydney in my car. I was really hoping for company, connection. Didn’t necessarily want to act out, didn’t fantasise about sex or being touched but I did want to be with someone. Maybe I was trying to avoid feeling alone or lonely. I took a while driving everywhere before I eventually decided to turn on my GPS and head to the hotel. At the hotel I found a family stuck outside their hotel room. A young boy, a mother and a grandmother. They spoke my mother tongue. I called the reception for them to send someone and help them in. While waiting for the hotel staff to come I had a nice chat with them and even played a little with the young boy, he was my son’s age. It was nice, I got my company.

I got back to my room, changed out of my day cloths and had no energy to shower before I went to bed, I had the same feeling I had when I wasn’t sober. Back then I was really tired but I didn’t want to sleep because I might be missing an opportunity to act out. It was weird why I didn’t want to sleep this time because there was nothing planned. I eventually fell asleep with the TV on. Woke up in the middle of the night to switch the TV off and go back to bed.

It is another beautiful morning over here. I have exactly less than four hours to my flight, I am already showered and I don’t have much to pack. Will get dressed, go for breakfast and check out. At the airport I will try to spend some time preparing for the Skype meeting I have tonight, the topic is Anorexia. I need to prepare the script for the meeting and work with the chairperson on it. That will keep me occupied.

I will write to you again from home when I have reached 🙂 thanks for keeping me company

 

 

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SafeTrip, SLAA

#SafeTrip3 – Day Two


Good morning everyone! After I left you yesterday I decided to drive to work, which was an adventure. I got kind of lost and the GPS wasn’t very helpful in the middle of tall buildings in the city, so I was about 10 minutes late to my first meeting.

I had meetings lined up all the way to 4 pm. meetings went really well and smooth and they all ended up by 1 pm. Everyone was available and we discussed everything we needed to discuss. So I was “free” three hours earlier than expected. Well not free technically cause it is still a work day, I just didn’t have anyone to miss me if were to be somewhere. I took a walk to my car and on the way to the car I was just so aware of the number of pretty boys around me. I was objectifying a little, but I didn’t sexualise. Or maybe they are the same, I don’t know. A very cute guy on the side walk turned his head and locked eyes with me for over a second. In gay languages that could be code for “I might be interested”. I kept walking but I did look back to see if he looked again. I was slightly annoyed to be sober and not be able to act out.

I got to my car and knew that I need to head straight to my hotel room. I had to drive past a road that had a Gay Sauna (Sex on Site venue) which I spent hours and hours in it prior to becoming sober. That was also annoying. I got to my hotel, got to my room and I wasn’t settled. I changed and went to the pool to swim a bit. The pool wasn’t inviting. it was more of a large tub than a swimming pool, so I ended up at the Gym, did a bit of cardio and some weights (don’t get the wrong impression, I am not a sporty guy but I just needed an outlet at that moment). I got back to my hotel room and started doing work. I was somewhat productive. I also went online to the SLAAONLINE.org chat room. I found a couple of SLAA members who heard my share and encourage me to keep going. I was pleased to have made it there.

I was determined to go to a meeting a night. The good thing about Sydney is that there is a meeting almost every night, actually there are a few meetings a night. There were three available to me last night, one of them was gay, lesbian, transgender focus. I decided to go to that one. For the sake of full transparency I need to share that the thought crossed my mind (am I going there to pick someone up?). Luckily the meeting wasn’t a place to pick someone up, it was a really safe environment, good sobriety among the older members. A couple of new members were at the meeting and I was able to share my story and share the message of recovery in their presence. What a privilege.

After the meeting I picked my cousin up and went to visit the family I talked about yesterday. Their daughter was at the hospital for an operation so we were there to support them. We stayed for a bit and then went out to get junk food (bad idea) but it was late and there was nothing open that served good food and I hadn’t had dinner.

I dropped my cousin off at his place, got to mine and slept. I am up now and it is a beautiful day. I will shower, say my prayers and get to work after having some breakfast. 🙂

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