SLAA

She is depressed again


In case you are coming across this blog for the first time, here are a few quick facts that might give context to this post. I am a gay many, always have been and always will be. I chose to marry a woman. we’ve been together for almost 12 years. we have 3 kids (yes, biologically ours, conceived the good old fashion way). I am also a sex and Love addict in recovery.

A few years ago we hit a wall in our marriage where I couldn’t handle the level of un-diagnosed untreated anxiety and depression that my wife has. My coping mechanism was separating. I basically wanted out unless she sorts herself out. Harsh, I know but hey, I am not perfect. this was the best I was capable of at the time.

My wife since, started a short course of anti-depressants, she started seeing a therapist and we both did couple counseling. It took us over a year of hard work including about 10 months of separation bet we managed to work things out and get back on track as a married couple.

NOW, ALL THE SYMPTOMS ARE BACK. ALL OF THEM. This time I am trying to handle things differently. I am praying, I am asking God for help and guidance. I am also trying to be compassionate and tell myself “She is not a bad person, she is just unwell” and rather than quitting on her, I am hoping I can be there for her to help her with her recovery. in my judgement, she still needs to play her part, she needs to figure out the tools to use, it is not just on me to be understanding and compassionate.

Today was a tough one on me, I couldn’t take one more negative remark, not one more sigh, irritable voice, not one more gasping in shock at one of the kids actions, I just couldn’t. The last of the lot was a dinner time comment from her. I left the dinner table and walked to another room. first I started playing on my phone. then I decided to call a fellow addict in recovery, he didn’t answer, then I decided to pray and remember to forgive and be there for her. it is hard work to do this for an addict like me. I have an easy escape that I am very familiar with. Acting out sexually with the next available gay guy. but I don’t want to escape, I want to stay sober, I want to stay here and use the tools that I gathered from my six years in recovery.

If you read this far, please say a short prayer for me. maybe even leave an encouraging comment. Thanks

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SLAA

Can I suck your dick?


I am sorry, did that sound vulgar? suggestive? inappropriate? well guess what, that same exact thought comes to mind very often when I am talking to a guy. well not any guy, but someone I find remotely attractive.

why am I even sharing this with you? I guess it is to say “hey, I am sober, but I am not cured” we all have crazy thoughts that pop in our heads, but we do not have to act on them. easier said than done, I know, but it can be done.

when the thought comes, I try to not indulge it, I pray and ask my higher power to guide me. I try to focus on the individuality of the person I am speaking to rather than his or my sexuality. I also do what many addicts call “playing the tape forward”. so, let’s say I act on it, fun for five minutes or fifty minutes if I am lucky, and then what? the remainder of the tape is never appealing, so I take it out of the VCR and play a new thought instead.

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SLAA

Loved you before I met you


In the moonlit Egyptian summer night, looking out from the balcony of my parents apartment in a quiet Cairo suburb, holding hands with my then boyfriend and listening to savage garden. I knew I loved you before I met you was the name of the song. I related to every word of it. He was the one, I dreamed him into life.

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

He was my way home. I was completely in love. I couldn’t think of anything better than to be in his arms. even now as I write this, 17 years later, I still feel that slight sense of joy form remembering the feeling I had when I was with him. My sex addiction made him the saviour. He was going to fix me. He was the answer to all my problems. He was the fulfilment of all my dreams. But the fact is, he was none of that.

I had designed a description of my saviour, it was tailor made to represent my fantasy. when I met him, I almost immediately dressed him up in my description. now looking back I could see that it was the wrong size, it ripped the minute he tried it on. But that didn’t alarm me. I was convinced that it fit him perfectly. He was the one.

not sure where to go from there, I was listening to savage garden the other day and it brought back all the memories. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t in recovery from sex and love addiction so I can indulge once more in such feelings. Most times, however, I am grateful for the life I have in recovery. It doesn’t offer the highs of my addiction but it also protects me from the deep lows I was left with in between the highs.

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