Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections Day 18


I had the BEST Sleep so far. as in I actually slept enough. oh and did I mention that I had the best night of sleep? I have enough energy to repeat the same thing over and over again as you can see, oh the wonders of good night sleep. 🙂 alright I will stop.

the funny thing is that I still got up a few times, first time because I had a wet dream and I needed to clean up. I was almost acting out in my dream. Gosh that was a good reminder. I am in fact a sex and love addict. won’t mention much about the dream itself. nothing that exciting anyway. so got that out of the way and while trying to get back to sleep I sensed that my kids needed to go so I took each of them to the toilette for a midnight wee. then I got back to bed. my little girl got up a little later to sleep in my arms. I love my kids and love their little arms wrapped around my neck (occasionally choking me).

in due time I got up to help make breakfast with my mom and mom in law, started eating, kids got up, you know the story…. after the kids went off to their day care and preschool I went to get ready and after I finished I decided not to go to the office and work from home today. it worked out well as we got a call from my daughter’s day care that she has a bit of fever, so I was able to go get her. it was a mild fever so nothing to worry about much. I worked for a bit and since I am fasting and I won’t be eating lunch I took my lunch break in bed. I napped. I KNOW RIGHT? even more sleep. this must be the best day ever.

after my nap I kept working again. at work I got REALLY mad at somebody. I WAS RIGHT. but I was also aware that there are for more important things than being right. I can’t have resentment. and I need to watch for my character defects. the good news is, I was able to vent the situation with other people and see to proceed further without losing it at someone. the only thing that I did to imply that I was mad was telling a colleague that “I find your response unprofessional” and when he kept going on I said “this conversation ends here” and I closed the IM window. I needed to pray about it and direct my attention to someone I can help. Thank God for Steps 11 and 12

after finishing work I didn’t have to drive home, I just had to leave my office. I spent a bit of time with the kids, fed them some of their dinner and then took my mom and went to another family for a community break of fast. we were the only ones who turned up. it was really cool, we got to catch up and have a bit of a quality time with that family. when I got home, I was able to hold my baby girl for a while, change her and hold her some more before I handed her to her mom for a feed and started typing this.

more reflections to come.

 

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day 17


wow two more days to go. this Fasting month is going by Fast (pun intended)

again usual stuff at night. girl waking up for mummy, boy waking up to pee, girl waking up again for mummy, but on the plus side, no one wet their bed so it was a relatively easier night. but I still hadn’t had enough sleep. so in the morning, after breakfast and after the kids got up, I went back to bed. at about 8:15 am. I didn’t get up for another hour and a half. it was amazing.

I got to the office late but it was alright as I didn’t have any meetings in the morning. work was productive. I had a few sponsee calls. I had a couple of outreach calls. I also had a chance to sit quietly in a room and say my prayers as well as pray for others in the fellowship.

today I also recorded my first Audio Post. to test the water and see how it goes. you can listen to it below. I like to speak, but I need to figure out what to put as an image as I am not ready to have my face on YouTube yet. (you can see the amateur picture in the video, not so cool)

I got home had dinner with the family and washed the dishes while my wife was putting the older kids to sleep. I wished to be the one putting them to sleep but well. I was too tired to be patient enough, she did a better job at it. when I finished I took my baby daughter in my arms and sat on the recliner chair and before I knew it, I was in deep sleep. I so needed it. got up to find that my wife had taken the baby to feed and my mom had covered me with a blanket. lol.

when I got up I had a shower and changed out of my work cloths and I am now typing this. will post it and go back to sleep 🙂

More reflections to come (at least two more)

 

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections Day 16


usual stuff at night, I am used to it by now (who am kidding, I need more sleep)

In the morning, after breakfast my wife said: “Honey I think you should go to a meeting”. she said it in the nicest way possible. she talked about how she notices that I missed and that she misses the impact it has on me and on the family. she was very sweet about it. And I did really miss the meetings.

there is a meeting on every Tuesday evening that I could go to. but I was wondering if staying away from home for so long will be an issue with the kids and my wife. so she said “let’s play it by ear and I will let you know if we need you to come home early. otherwise, please go to the meeting”

it was really nice to hear that. the day went really well, I five phone calls with 2 of my sponsees who needed a lot of support, I had a productive day at work and the time flew by. in the afternoon, I called home and asked how things were, and all was well. I am free to go to the meeting.

the meeting started at 7:30 and sunset was at 7:38 so that meant no dinner for me before the meeting ended. but it was worth it. I really needed the meeting.

by the time I got to the meeting I was really tired. and really happy. I had a quick chat with someone in the room about working the program. his version of working with a sponsor was asking someone to be his sponsor, when the person said no, he kept calling him anyway, and he still calls him “unofficial sponsor”. it was an interesting concept, but as my sponsor always reminded me, we don’t have monopoly on recovery.  when the meeting started, he happened to be the chair person. it was a topic meeting. he chose the topic “working the program”. it was really cool. in the process I was gracefully made present to my character defect “EGO” I was trying really hard to practice humility.

the meeting ended, I rushed home, had a very nice meal cooked by my mom, then spent a bit of time with my wife and baby girl before I went to sleep. I took my laptop with me to bed to write this but I fell asleep right away. so I am writing this a day later. but you won’t judge me for the delay would you?

would be nice to hear your thoughts 😉 any of’em

more reflections to come.

 

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast reflections day 15


rough night, what’s new. so I won’t talk about it.

today was my first day back at work full time after the birth of my baby girl. (she is SOO CUTE!!) and I had a work commitment early on. so I was woken up by my mom after she prepared breakfast, I started eating, kids joined in etc. then I went to shower and get ready for work.

kids got ready, off they went with their grandmothers to their preschool and I was about to hit the road for work when my wife asked me to say prayers together, so we did. I found myself sitting in meditative state long after she stopped reading her prayer. I enjoyed it so much.

On the drive to work the traffic was heavy at 8 am. I consider my time in the care “me time” it is the time I reflect, listen to music, my books or make outreach calls. so in the middle of my reflection about how tough the weekend has been I remembered how I eagerly called someone else to get a “social fix” or went and acted out for a sexual fix. this time I found myself turning to God and saying “you are my only friend”, “let me know what you want me to do” then shortly after I had a call with one of my sponsees. what a blessing to be able to help someone else.

the day went alright work wise. towards the end I was almost hesitant to drive home. but I did. I got to blissfully carry my baby girl for a while. I played a bit with my kids till it was time to help them get ready for bed. then I had dinner, I listened to my wife play the piano and now I am on the sack ready for another night.

more reflections to come.

I fell asleep without publishing this leaving the laptop on my lap. my wife closed the lid and left it there. in case I needed again she said. #SMH

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections days 13 and 14


Saturday:

I had the best night sleep. five hours straight uninterrupted which was the best I had all week. that said I woke up at five am. I couldn’t return to sleep. the last few days I have been waking up after my mom had prepared breakfast, this time since I was up before everyone else, I decided to start preparing breakfast. by the time we started eating my little girl woke up and joined us, shortly after that my son got up.

Saturday was the day my wife was schedule to come home with our new born baby girl. The plan was to go pick them up from the hospital shortly after breakfast and be back home early enough to take my two older ones for their Bahai Children Class by 10 am. I got to the hospital early, while waiting for this and that to go home my wife and I were talking about the kids and about how we instruct them, talk to them etc. she sounded so positive and inspiring I was sold.

we got home, I swapped cars, took the two older kids and went to the children’s class which started at 10. the reason we did it that way is that I allow my wife and baby a couple of hours to settle into the home before they kids get all “mummy!! Baby!!” after missing them for the past five days. I had a great time with the kids and then drove home with the two kids almost three hours later. from that point on till the end of the day I had the most tension ever. my wife was very irritable at the kids, overly protective over the baby from the kids and just plain grumpy. I was up since five, I was tired, and I didn’t have a whole lot of patience for irritable and grumpy.

Sunday:

I could tell you what happened or just tell you what I found out. the annoyance, irritability and moodiness continued. I was pretty much over it. and then it hit me. I felt out of control. the situation wasn’t out of control but I wasn’t the one controlling it. that bothered me so much. oh wait let me tell you about one thing. so I am a big believer in attachment parenting. after breakfast I held my new born girl around the house. she asked me THREE TIMES if I am going to put her in the bassinet. I was thinking “lay off woman, Controlling much?!” I didn’t say that of course. but it bothered me so much. and it set the tone for the rest of the day till the thought dawned on me.

it took so much out of me to let go. I know there is a whole list of character defects associated with my desire to control. and it got easier and as the day ended. I had a great time. I had a chat with my wife and cuddled with my baby before I got to type this.

I am in bed and will nod off shortly after this is published.

 

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day 12


I can’t believe, there is only one week to go before the fast finishes. no wonder it is called fast.

last night I woke up at three in the morning not sure why. I took advantage of that and decided to take my son to pee before he wets his bed again for the third night. I lifted him up from his bed and as I took a step I kicked my shin in his bed from so hard, I almost fell face down with my son in my hand but I manage to lean against the wall instead. it was so painful. anyway I kept it to myself and took him to the toilette. on the way back to place him back on his bad, I kicked the bed with my other leg hurting my other shin so bad. in so much pain I went to add get some ice. long story short it took me a while to get back to sleep. I am laughing as I type this.

I managed to eventually fall back asleep till 6:30 am when my mom woke me up to have breakfast. kids woke up shortly after we finished eating and the mourning routine started. I took my mom with me to go drop the kids off to their day care etc. after we dropped the kids we went to the hospital and spend a good hour with my wife and baby. my new born baby girl recovered well and her jaundice levels normalized. she is feeding well and happy. and she is to leave the hospital the next day.

I got home to do a bit more work and get the one last thing sorted before my baby can be discharged. getting an infant capsule fitted in the car. we had borrowed a capsule from a friend of ours but I couldn’t fit it in the car. it uses hooks that don’t fit my car. so I needed to last minute go and find a new car seat. I ran from one mall to another till I finally got the capsule. after that I got back to the hospital to take care of my baby while my wife takes a nap. I had a blissful 90 minutes of having my daughter sleep in my arms. she is so adorable.

then I got home to spend a bit of time with the kids before I had to disappear for the SLAA.NZ Skype meeting. My mom and my mom in law were able to help put the kids to sleep while I host the call. I was glad I got the Skype meeting going because it was probably the only meeting I could attend this week.

when I finished I had a late dinner with my mom and my mom in law followed by a lovely chat and good laugh before we all got to bed.

while I type this my daughter kept rolling off her bad onto my lap and back on her bad, she is so cute. I am such a lucky father.

more reflections to come

 

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast reflections day 11


another exhausting day. my 4-year-old wet his bed for the second night in a row. I woke up at 4 am to change sheets and wash him up. I am wondering if that is because of the new sister. my 2-year-old was also unsettled in her sleep so I pretty much had very little sleep and I am not a good person when I don’t get enough sleep.

while I was planning to work mornings only this week, my job allows me flexibility. I decided to push work aside to the afternoon and went with my mom in law to the hospital after we dropped the kids off at day care. we spent a bit of time with my wife and baby then went to run some errands. I got home to do some work and then took my mom to pick the kids up and go to the hospital so the kids can spend some time with their sister and mom.

when we got back from the hospital we spent a bit of time playing then showering the kids, feeding them dinner, hoping to put them to bed early. IT TOOK TWO HOURS! I am fasting, I am tired and really grumpy. I wasn’t the best farther. actually I was a terrible father. I snapped at the kids.

I am really tired AGAIN (I bet you are tired reading that I am tired). but well. I love that I get to sleep and have another day tomorrow

More reflections to come.

 

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Fasting, Recovery

Fast Reflections Day 10


after the rough night I told you about in my previous post I just went on with the day as per usual. I woke up a bit late today as my mom got up early to prepare breakfast for us. I tired to go back to sleep for a bit before the kids got up. I probably clocked half an our of extra rest.

I started working shortly after the kids got up and started having their breakfast and I wasn’t the most productive. wasted a lot of time. I was tired and unmotivated. but well I did get a few things done. I stopped work just past midday and went for a short nap then took a shower and got on my way to the hospital. I spent most of the afternoon with my wife and the baby.

there is really very little that we have control over. too many variables around us. controls is an illusion indeed. so my baby has jaundice, really strong. she needs to go through phototherapy. also she needs a bit more food that what she is currently getting through breastfeeding. as she is too lethargic to suck properly. the nurse was very sympathetic, and attentive. we got a pump for my wife to start expressing her milk and give the baby more milk that what they get by sucking. the story brought back the painful memories of our first child’s jaundice and breastfeeding challenges. we had so many issues with him that it was too painful, I didn’t want to have another child as a result (and look at us having three).

I have strong opinions about breastfeeding, jaundice and infant care. I had asserted many of these opinions with health professionals and with my wife when my first was born. it was terrible. combined with my wife’s post natal depression, it was a recipe for disaster. this time I was able to recognize the “self-seeking” character defect and the desire to be right and to control everything around me. I tried so hard to detach from these ideas and let things flow. I tried as much as possible to just be present, and support my wife through what she is going through.

I kept identifying her feelings and acknowledging them, then I asked how can I be helpful? she said, you are doing it! you are being helpful. I felt so privileged to have the chance to be the husband she needed at that point of time. and felt so blessed to have such family.

I came to a mother in distress who was in tears and feeling helpless, frustrated and worried and left a happy woman who was smiling while breastfeeding, pumping and holding our daughter to the UV light all at the same time.

Thank God for recovery

I got home, fed the kids dinner, put them to sleep with a little help from my mom in law. and then it was time for me to break the fast with my mom and the rest of the evening went really well. we said some healing prayers for my daughter and my wife and now I am typing this and will be ready to sleep.

more reflections to come

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Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day nine


so this week I am working half days only so work doesn’t pile up while I am looking after my family. so on Tuesday woke up early for breakfast before sunrise, started the day with the kids, did a bit of work from home till about midday then went to see my wife and baby, ran some errands, then back at the hospital for more time with my wife and baby then back home again to get the rest of the family to see the baby for the first time. by the time I got home it was about 5:30 pm. we don’t break the fast till 8 pm and the visiting hours are 6 to 8.

the “plan” was that the grandmothers (we have both of them visiting) will look after the kids, feed them early dinner so that we head to the hospital and the rest of the family gets to see the baby for the first time. while they feed the kids dinner I was hoping to take a quick nap as I was really tired and grumpy. then we get back round 8 so that mom and I can break the fast. of course that was MY PLAN. need I tell you it didn’t go according to MY WISHES?

Got home my daughter was crying to the top of her voice cause her brother hit her. calm my daughter down, talk to my son about what he did, give them both hugs and reassurances. I understand that they are both acting out because they miss their mom and probably impacted by the new arrival. when things settled I was hoping to get a power nap. went into a room, and twice my son stormed into the room just as I was about to drift away. long story short I am still tired and grumpier.

we went to the hospital. kids had fun patting and holding the baby but of course the grandmothers are exclaiming every other minute “watch out”, “not like this”, “careful the baby”. so I knew that will eventually be too much for the little ones to take so I took them to the visitors lounge along with their new puzzle that their mom and I bought on behalf of their little sister. we got some play time, while the two grandmas catch up with my wife and baby.

I got home just after eight, hungry and tired and the kids need to sleep. tried as much as possible to assist while my mom in law was looking after them, then got to eat a bit and I went again to attend to the kids as they were still up at 8:30. I got into the room with them, said prayers and told stories of their baby sister until they fell asleep.

I managed to brush my teeth and get into bed. I was really tired. I missed praying that day and I feel bad about it. the night wasn’t the best either. my son wet his bad so I had to wake up at 4 am, change sheets, wash him up and settle him back to sleep. then my daughter woke up a couple of times. SIGH

more reflections to come

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