Recovery

Stop coughing! It sounds annoying


Imagine hearing someone with a bad cold coughing ,and telling them to stop it because you are annoyed by their cough. Now let’s change the bad cold to depression, wouldn’t it be the same if you tell them to stop being grumpy, or irritable or moody or dramatic or whatever it is that they are doing simply because they are depressed?

So that is what I keep telling myself so I can remain present, remain supportive and remain empathic towards my wife as she goes through her depression.

I am not a saint either. If someone has a bad cold and coughing but they keep wearing light clothing in the middle of winter, they are not increasing their fluid intake and getting a good dose of vitamin C I’d be annoyed at them. I mean I get it, you have a cold but do something about it so you can get better.

So I am at that very delicate spot of wanting to be there for my wife and at the same time I really need her to do something about it because I refuse to accept the symptoms of depression as the new norm. I am happy to put up with them for until she recovers from the illness but for God’s sake, do something that helps you recover. Now, how do you say that to someone who is depressed without making it worse? Man it is so not easy. But today I managed to do some of that. I have been praying and sharing with other addicts to keep my motives and actions in check.

I don’t just want her to start popping anti-depressants but I also don’t just want this to be life for the foreseeable future. Either ways, I am powerless over her choices. I can’t make them for her nor can I force her in any direction. I have to practice acceptance.

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SLAA

She is depressed again


In case you are coming across this blog for the first time, here are a few quick facts that might give context to this post. I am a gay many, always have been and always will be. I chose to marry a woman. we’ve been together for almost 12 years. we have 3 kids (yes, biologically ours, conceived the good old fashion way). I am also a sex and Love addict in recovery.

A few years ago we hit a wall in our marriage where I couldn’t handle the level of un-diagnosed untreated anxiety and depression that my wife has. My coping mechanism was separating. I basically wanted out unless she sorts herself out. Harsh, I know but hey, I am not perfect. this was the best I was capable of at the time.

My wife since, started a short course of anti-depressants, she started seeing a therapist and we both did couple counseling. It took us over a year of hard work including about 10 months of separation bet we managed to work things out and get back on track as a married couple.

NOW, ALL THE SYMPTOMS ARE BACK. ALL OF THEM. This time I am trying to handle things differently. I am praying, I am asking God for help and guidance. I am also trying to be compassionate and tell myself “She is not a bad person, she is just unwell” and rather than quitting on her, I am hoping I can be there for her to help her with her recovery. in my judgement, she still needs to play her part, she needs to figure out the tools to use, it is not just on me to be understanding and compassionate.

Today was a tough one on me, I couldn’t take one more negative remark, not one more sigh, irritable voice, not one more gasping in shock at one of the kids actions, I just couldn’t. The last of the lot was a dinner time comment from her. I left the dinner table and walked to another room. first I started playing on my phone. then I decided to call a fellow addict in recovery, he didn’t answer, then I decided to pray and remember to forgive and be there for her. it is hard work to do this for an addict like me. I have an easy escape that I am very familiar with. Acting out sexually with the next available gay guy. but I don’t want to escape, I want to stay sober, I want to stay here and use the tools that I gathered from my six years in recovery.

If you read this far, please say a short prayer for me. maybe even leave an encouraging comment. Thanks

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