after 19 days of Fast, Naw Ruz Marks one of the Bahai Holy Days and the Bahai New Year. there are 9 Holy Days a year that Bahais observe and work should be suspended. during my active addiction I always acted out on days leading to a Holy days with the intention to stop on that holy day. i never did.
so the Bahai Calendar is a 19 Months, each Month 19 days which comes up to 361 days, the 4 (or 5 during leap years) days balance are called Ayyam-i-ha and are placed right before the last month which is the fasting month. these days are of significant spiritual importance to the Bahais. many years I acted out before these days hoping to stop when they come. many years I prayed to stop but I don’t think my prayers were sincere. (did I say my prayers today? i will after i finish this) then I act out during Ayyam-i-Ha hoping to stop during the Fast. but I don’t, then i act out during the fast hoping to stop by Naw Ruz. I still didn’t.
Today 21st of March I am 8 Months sober. which means I was fasting all the days leading to the fast, I enjoyed celebrating Ayyam-i-Ha, I had a wonderful spiritual high from the fast. and now I get to celebrate the Bahai New Year and celebrate 8 months of Sobriety. on top of that 21st March is the Mother’s Day in the part of the world i come from so i also got to celebrate mother’s day with my mom in the morning.
Thanks a lot for those of you who kept me company during these days. and thanks everyone who read this.
I will stop my daily posts for the time being and will get back to my normal pattern of posting when there is something i want to share about.
have a lovely New Year everyone
… If it be Thy pleasure, make me to grow as a tender herb in the meadows of Thy grace, that the gentle winds of Thy will may stir me up and bend me into conformity with Thy pleasure, in such wise that my movement and my stillness may be wholly directed by Thee.
In response to Letter to my ex boyfriend
thank you for your words. I am quite sure that you will be able to open the doors of confirmations even wider – day by day – through your struggles to grow within the Love and Guidance of Bahá´u´láh.
May you always be happy and full of servitude.
If you’ve been reading my blog recently you would have probably come across my SafeTrip series which is a daily journaling of my first trip overseas since I got sober. I was so glad to finally make it home sober. It was not easy being overseas. I don’t think I missed the acting out itself, but I missed the act of pursuing a fix. You can read the series if you wish for more details.
I got home and honestly wished I didn’t. I was happy the trip was over but I wasn’t happy with the welcome that awaited me. Wife was moody, complaining and whining and I was exhausted. We eventually got to talk and when we did I found myself snapping with as much self-constrain as possible. Judging her by my journey and by my strength. Allowing myself to sound self-righteous. Then she went ahead trying to respond to me and rather than being defensive she started explaining why she is doing what she is doing. That didn’t make me feel better. It made me feel stuck. I wished I could tell her “all the things you are complaining about are changeable if you do something about them, either accept them and stop complaining or get into action. I am doing something about my life why can’t you????!” of course I didn’t say any of that, I felt so tired by then and told her I have to sleep cause I am exhausted.
The night was miserable. Then I woke up tired, and what did I do? I took it out on my 4 year old son. I yelled at him for the first time in his life. I yelled three times in the span of two hours. I was the kind of father I judged and disapproved off, I hated myself. I had no patience. I believe self-pity was a big player. Why is she pregnant? Why does she have to be so negative about life, why can’t she (do you see where this is going? there isn’t a single “I” in my questions, cause I am just a victim, sounds familiar?). I had thoughts like “I can’t change her, but I can change the fact that she is my wife, God Grant me the courage” as if divorcing her is the answer. Typical addict thinking.
My wife then emails me this quote by Baha’u’llah: “O My servants! Sorrow not if, in these days and on this earthly plane, things contrary to your wishes have been ordained and manifested by God, for days of blissful joy, of heavenly delight, are assuredly in store for you. Worlds, holy and spiritually glorious, will be unveiled to your eyes. You are destined by Him, in this world and hereafter, to partake of their benefits, to share in their joys, and to obtain a portion of their sustaining grace. To each and every one of them you will, no doubt, attain.”
When I read through it, I felt at peace. For things contrary to my wishes have been ordained by God. Yes I don’t like them but if God is the one who decided I should experience them then I should do so. And He also promised me days of blissful joy. I also had a great deal of help from my sponsor who helped me look at my side of the street. I had a good outreach call with another SLAA member who related to what I was going through. Then it hit me. a bit part of the frustration was that I have been sober now for over 90 days, I was overseas on a trip and I didn’t cheat, I AM ENTITLED to a different reality, I deserve better!! Don’t I? Of course the answer is NO, I am not being sober to get recognition from others! I am being sober because otherwise I am dead, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Others might benefit from me being sober, but I am the one who needs my sobriety.