Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections days 13 and 14


I had the best night sleep. five hours straight uninterrupted which was the best I had all week. that said I woke up at five am. I couldn’t return to sleep. the last few days I have been waking up after my mom had prepared breakfast, this time since I was up before everyone else, I decided to start preparing breakfast. by the time we started eating my little girl woke up and joined us, shortly after that my son got up.

Saturday was the day my wife was schedule to come home with our new born baby girl. The plan was to go pick them up from the hospital shortly after breakfast and be back home early enough to take my two older ones for their Bahai Children Class by 10 am. I got to the hospital early, while waiting for this and that to go home my wife and I were talking about the kids and about how we instruct them, talk to them etc. she sounded so positive and inspiring I was sold.

we got home, I swapped cars, took the two older kids and went to the children’s class which started at 10. the reason we did it that way is that I allow my wife and baby a couple of hours to settle into the home before they kids get all “mummy!! Baby!!” after missing them for the past five days. I had a great time with the kids and then drove home with the two kids almost three hours later. from that point on till the end of the day I had the most tension ever. my wife was very irritable at the kids, overly protective over the baby from the kids and just plain grumpy. I was up since five, I was tired, and I didn’t have a whole lot of patience for irritable and grumpy.


I could tell you what happened or just tell you what I found out. the annoyance, irritability and moodiness continued. I was pretty much over it. and then it hit me. I felt out of control. the situation wasn’t out of control but I wasn’t the one controlling it. that bothered me so much. oh wait let me tell you about one thing. so I am a big believer in attachment parenting. after breakfast I held my new born girl around the house. she asked me THREE TIMES if I am going to put her in the bassinet. I was thinking “lay off woman, Controlling much?!” I didn’t say that of course. but it bothered me so much. and it set the tone for the rest of the day till the thought dawned on me.

it took so much out of me to let go. I know there is a whole list of character defects associated with my desire to control. and it got easier and as the day ended. I had a great time. I had a chat with my wife and cuddled with my baby before I got to type this.

I am in bed and will nod off shortly after this is published.


Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day 12

I can’t believe, there is only one week to go before the fast finishes. no wonder it is called fast.

last night I woke up at three in the morning not sure why. I took advantage of that and decided to take my son to pee before he wets his bed again for the third night. I lifted him up from his bed and as I took a step I kicked my shin in his bed from so hard, I almost fell face down with my son in my hand but I manage to lean against the wall instead. it was so painful. anyway I kept it to myself and took him to the toilette. on the way back to place him back on his bad, I kicked the bed with my other leg hurting my other shin so bad. in so much pain I went to add get some ice. long story short it took me a while to get back to sleep. I am laughing as I type this.

I managed to eventually fall back asleep till 6:30 am when my mom woke me up to have breakfast. kids woke up shortly after we finished eating and the mourning routine started. I took my mom with me to go drop the kids off to their day care etc. after we dropped the kids we went to the hospital and spend a good hour with my wife and baby. my new born baby girl recovered well and her jaundice levels normalized. she is feeding well and happy. and she is to leave the hospital the next day.

I got home to do a bit more work and get the one last thing sorted before my baby can be discharged. getting an infant capsule fitted in the car. we had borrowed a capsule from a friend of ours but I couldn’t fit it in the car. it uses hooks that don’t fit my car. so I needed to last minute go and find a new car seat. I ran from one mall to another till I finally got the capsule. after that I got back to the hospital to take care of my baby while my wife takes a nap. I had a blissful 90 minutes of having my daughter sleep in my arms. she is so adorable.

then I got home to spend a bit of time with the kids before I had to disappear for the SLAA.NZ Skype meeting. My mom and my mom in law were able to help put the kids to sleep while I host the call. I was glad I got the Skype meeting going because it was probably the only meeting I could attend this week.

when I finished I had a late dinner with my mom and my mom in law followed by a lovely chat and good laugh before we all got to bed.

while I type this my daughter kept rolling off her bad onto my lap and back on her bad, she is so cute. I am such a lucky father.

more reflections to come


Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast reflections day 11

another exhausting day. my 4-year-old wet his bed for the second night in a row. I woke up at 4 am to change sheets and wash him up. I am wondering if that is because of the new sister. my 2-year-old was also unsettled in her sleep so I pretty much had very little sleep and I am not a good person when I don’t get enough sleep.

while I was planning to work mornings only this week, my job allows me flexibility. I decided to push work aside to the afternoon and went with my mom in law to the hospital after we dropped the kids off at day care. we spent a bit of time with my wife and baby then went to run some errands. I got home to do some work and then took my mom to pick the kids up and go to the hospital so the kids can spend some time with their sister and mom.

when we got back from the hospital we spent a bit of time playing then showering the kids, feeding them dinner, hoping to put them to bed early. IT TOOK TWO HOURS! I am fasting, I am tired and really grumpy. I wasn’t the best farther. actually I was a terrible father. I snapped at the kids.

I am really tired AGAIN (I bet you are tired reading that I am tired). but well. I love that I get to sleep and have another day tomorrow

More reflections to come.


Fasting, Recovery

Fast Reflections Day 10

after the rough night I told you about in my previous post I just went on with the day as per usual. I woke up a bit late today as my mom got up early to prepare breakfast for us. I tired to go back to sleep for a bit before the kids got up. I probably clocked half an our of extra rest.

I started working shortly after the kids got up and started having their breakfast and I wasn’t the most productive. wasted a lot of time. I was tired and unmotivated. but well I did get a few things done. I stopped work just past midday and went for a short nap then took a shower and got on my way to the hospital. I spent most of the afternoon with my wife and the baby.

there is really very little that we have control over. too many variables around us. controls is an illusion indeed. so my baby has jaundice, really strong. she needs to go through phototherapy. also she needs a bit more food that what she is currently getting through breastfeeding. as she is too lethargic to suck properly. the nurse was very sympathetic, and attentive. we got a pump for my wife to start expressing her milk and give the baby more milk that what they get by sucking. the story brought back the painful memories of our first child’s jaundice and breastfeeding challenges. we had so many issues with him that it was too painful, I didn’t want to have another child as a result (and look at us having three).

I have strong opinions about breastfeeding, jaundice and infant care. I had asserted many of these opinions with health professionals and with my wife when my first was born. it was terrible. combined with my wife’s post natal depression, it was a recipe for disaster. this time I was able to recognize the “self-seeking” character defect and the desire to be right and to control everything around me. I tried so hard to detach from these ideas and let things flow. I tried as much as possible to just be present, and support my wife through what she is going through.

I kept identifying her feelings and acknowledging them, then I asked how can I be helpful? she said, you are doing it! you are being helpful. I felt so privileged to have the chance to be the husband she needed at that point of time. and felt so blessed to have such family.

I came to a mother in distress who was in tears and feeling helpless, frustrated and worried and left a happy woman who was smiling while breastfeeding, pumping and holding our daughter to the UV light all at the same time.

Thank God for recovery

I got home, fed the kids dinner, put them to sleep with a little help from my mom in law. and then it was time for me to break the fast with my mom and the rest of the evening went really well. we said some healing prayers for my daughter and my wife and now I am typing this and will be ready to sleep.

more reflections to come

Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day nine

so this week I am working half days only so work doesn’t pile up while I am looking after my family. so on Tuesday woke up early for breakfast before sunrise, started the day with the kids, did a bit of work from home till about midday then went to see my wife and baby, ran some errands, then back at the hospital for more time with my wife and baby then back home again to get the rest of the family to see the baby for the first time. by the time I got home it was about 5:30 pm. we don’t break the fast till 8 pm and the visiting hours are 6 to 8.

the “plan” was that the grandmothers (we have both of them visiting) will look after the kids, feed them early dinner so that we head to the hospital and the rest of the family gets to see the baby for the first time. while they feed the kids dinner I was hoping to take a quick nap as I was really tired and grumpy. then we get back round 8 so that mom and I can break the fast. of course that was MY PLAN. need I tell you it didn’t go according to MY WISHES?

Got home my daughter was crying to the top of her voice cause her brother hit her. calm my daughter down, talk to my son about what he did, give them both hugs and reassurances. I understand that they are both acting out because they miss their mom and probably impacted by the new arrival. when things settled I was hoping to get a power nap. went into a room, and twice my son stormed into the room just as I was about to drift away. long story short I am still tired and grumpier.

we went to the hospital. kids had fun patting and holding the baby but of course the grandmothers are exclaiming every other minute “watch out”, “not like this”, “careful the baby”. so I knew that will eventually be too much for the little ones to take so I took them to the visitors lounge along with their new puzzle that their mom and I bought on behalf of their little sister. we got some play time, while the two grandmas catch up with my wife and baby.

I got home just after eight, hungry and tired and the kids need to sleep. tried as much as possible to assist while my mom in law was looking after them, then got to eat a bit and I went again to attend to the kids as they were still up at 8:30. I got into the room with them, said prayers and told stories of their baby sister until they fell asleep.

I managed to brush my teeth and get into bed. I was really tired. I missed praying that day and I feel bad about it. the night wasn’t the best either. my son wet his bad so I had to wake up at 4 am, change sheets, wash him up and settle him back to sleep. then my daughter woke up a couple of times. SIGH

more reflections to come


so you get the pattern now, early morning, I wake up early to have breakfast with my mom because we are the only two fasting in the house. my wife isn’t fasting because she is pregnant. today however, she did wake up to have breakfast with us because she wasn’t supposed to have any food or drinks from 7am onward as preparation for her C-section.

it was nice to have her join us for breakfast. we spend a bit of time talking and then I had a snooze before the kids got up. then I greeted the kids, left them to my wife and the 2 grandmothers to feed them breakfast and get them ready for day-care/preschool while I got in to my office to get some work done. I am taking only half days off this week so things don’t pile up. so I did my part in the morning (workwise) then I got ready to take my wife to the hospital.

let’s go back in time, I came to SLAA in June 2014, I started working the steps in July. while I was sober prior, I had set my sobriety date to 21 July. I took step three shortly after. step three says: “made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God”. the day after I took step three I discovered that my wife is pregnant. we have two kids and we had not planned to get pregnant again. we were preventing it. but God had another plan for me. This pregnancy was the first one that I was completely sober today I am almost 8 months sober. that is so special for me.

I took my wife and drove to the hospital, talked to a number of people, answered the same set of questions at least three four times. listened to an unnecessary list of “Potential Risk” blah. but eventually we were in the operating theater for birth. I was feeling emotions of connectedness, gratitude and love I had not experienced before. I was overwhelmed by tears unlike the birth of my two other children. then an angel was born. she is so adorable.


I love children, I love holding them, and I love infants even more. I was holding my baby girl, and it felt like the most amazing thing in the world. I am so blessed and loved. I am so lucky. very grateful for recovery.

I got home when it was time for me to leave the hospital. the kids were still up which is late for them, I gave them cuddles and let the grandparents help them to sleep while I ate a late dinner to break my fast. then ran one last errand and came home. since the start of the fast I have been typing my reflections the following day. but this time I couldn’t wait to tell the world about the amazing sensation I had holding my baby girl.

more reflections to come.



Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections day eight

Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast Reflections Days six and seven

Saturdays and Sunday were really busy so I didn’t get to write much, and the coming week is likely be just as busy so I am combining the weekend in one post.

Saturday morning mom and I went to the Sanon meeting. mom is only here for just a few more weeks. this might be her last meeting for her. she always enjoys going to that meeting. 🙂 after the meeting a saw a message from my wife that she had a meltdown with the kids. I have recently been training myself to detach from all negative thoughts when I hear about her meltdowns. part of why I had negative feelings in the past is my selfish desire to control how she behaves. now I realize that it is a character defect of mine so I pray for it to be removed.

we got home around the same time (mom and I from the meeting and wife and kids from the kids Bahai children class), the kids were asleep and we managed to get a bit of rest. the rest of the day was free and easy at home with some cleaning, play time and dinner. it was an early night too for all of us.

Sunday we had some friends spend the morning with us. the kids had a great time playing with their friends while the adults caught up. then I went for a long drive to the airport with my son to pick my mom in law up. she is coming to help us with our third baby which is scheduled to be born on the 9th of March.

when I got home, mom and I started preparing dinner. I made a special dish that I am famous for and I think it tastes really good. it does require a lot of work thought. so by the time it was all ready, we had dinner, helped the kids to bed and I fell asleep on the sofa shortly after. then I barely managed to get up, brush my teeth, say my prayers and get into bed again for the rest of the night.

More reflections to come.

Fasting, Recovery, SLAA

Fast reflections Day four

I had a bit of a rough night with the kids and woke up a few times to settle them. I was really exhausted when I finally got up to eat breakfast. my plan was to finish eating and go back to sleep. but I ended up doing something better.

background: I had mentioned that my father is a sex addict. in my search for SLAA or SA material in Arabic I found only some and relatively poor translation. one of the hopes was to find a fellowship in the Arab world but I wasn’t so lucky. since then the thought had been on my mind to do something about it. also I met an Arab sex addict a while back when I first came to the fellowship. so while on the plain to wellington the other day I emailed him about starting a fellowship in the Arab world. when I woke up I got a reply from him and we decided to talk on skype.

so that is what I did after breakfast. I had almost 40 minutes with him on the phone discussing what we could possibly do to start a fellowship in the Arab world in Arabic using translated material. there is of course a number of obstacles that we need to overcome but it was still an uplifting reality to be having this conversation first thing in the morning.

I then was able to help my kids with their breakfast and get them ready for preschool before I started work. I was able to take a lunch break nap since I am not eating lunch. (In case you weren’t here earlier I am fasting).

Thursday nights I have a Face to Face SLAA meeting that starts 7:45 and finishes at 9PM. the Sun sets at 8 pm. I went to the meeting and managed to get myself a glass of water when the time came. I wasn’t that hungry but I was certainly tired. I enjoyed being at the meeting, enjoyed the catch up with fellow addicts discussing their recovery.

I got home, kids were already asleep, I had a nice warm meal with my wife, did a few things to help and had my famous sugar free Avocado Chocolate Milkshake and went to bed!

More reflections to come


Fasting, SafeTrip

Fast Reflections Day three

I had a domestic flight scheduled for 7 am to Wellington for a work presentation/meeting. I planned to wake up at 5 am, have breakfast and get dressed and be out of the house by 5:30 am. the airport is a 40 minutes away. what actually happened is I got to say my prayers and get ready while my mom and wife prepared breakfast then I left home at 10 to 6.

I would have made it if I didn’t have to go through airport security. I was almost very confident that I will barely make it until I saw the security queue and I was “Oh no! I didn’t account for the queue” hehehe.

I got the gate door just as they were closing it. so I was just a minute too late. which cost me a $100 bucks to get on the next flight in 30 minutes. I was a bit displeased but it was my fault and I have to pay the price. if there is something I learned from SLAA is that I always tried to get away with my mistakes. I blamed someone else for their inflexibility or their lack of empathy or this and that, but I didn’t blame myself for the act itself. this time I just accepted this to be a consequence of my actions.

It was meant to be rush hour when I get to Wellington but luckily I wasn’t only 30 minutes behind. work wise I didn’t really need to be in the meeting that early but I wanted to so I get to hear what the audience go through before my presentation. so it was alright to be a bit late. when it was my turn to present, I just got up and rolled with it and it went well.

I had a couple of hours of down time before my next meeting. I was able to get a bit of work done and catch up with a colleague regarding an issue. Then I took a short walk to meet employees of a company that I will be working with from now on. it was just me and 11 of them, I am meeting them for the first time. also it is a new side of the business that I don’t know much about yet. I was able to forthright say that “I don’t know much about what you do or how you do it, but I am going to learn, so let’s collaborate”. the guys were wonderful and while they had so much to say they still had a smile on their faces.

I had a nice short walk after the meeting then collected my stuff and got a cab to the airport. I had 3 hours before my flight back to Auckland. I was given access to the lounge so I was able to sit somewhere comfortable and have a nap because I was really tired. I did have a call with one of my sponsees, watched a bit of YouTube and got some work done.

I got home happy, I had a nice warm meal with my mom who waited for me to have dinner. had a nice chat with my wife then I was ready to collapse. I ran straight to bed after brushing my teeth and again I was asleep in no time.

more reflections to come.