SLAA

It is only natural for the addict


I was having another chat with my sponsor this morning. she said “it is only natural for the aloholic to drink, so it is only natural for the sex addiction to act out sexually”

It was reassuring to hear these words. after reflecting on what I called “my twisted motives” I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. yet when she said these words I could tell myself that my brain is wired that way, being nature or nurture, it is the way it is at the moment. So rather than being overwhelmed by my brain and it’s “natural” wiring, I am just going to focus on how I respond to its promptings.

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SLAA

My parallel existence


I was at a meeting today and in my share I verbalized (probably for the 100th time) a constant mental obsession that takes hold of me every now and then.

If you know enough about addiction, it is something that is never truly cured. the neural pathways established as a result of a repeated pattern of addiction don’t magically disappear. In recovery I have the opportunity to build new neural pathways, as a result of living a new pattern of recovery, but, the minute my recovery pattern are weak, the addiction patterns are there waiting to be triggered.

The pull to tap back into that pattern is quite strong. it is like a dry groove so thirsty for water to run through it and turn it into a living breathing stream once more. the unfortunate reality is that what runs through these grooves isn’t water, but chemicals that were once indulged by the substance of choice. (for me, it is sex, romantic obsession, or food).

Now, back to what I was talking about in the first place. the mental obsession. I love being in recovery. I love my life when I am sober, but I always have that pull to revive the old neural pathways. I often imagine a parallel existence where I could act out on my addiction, have a bit of “fun” while at the same time my “other self” remains sober and living recovery. I want to defy the laws of physics as well as the spiritual laws and some how still have two separate realities where I can have my cake and eat it. and that my friends is enough proof I am an addict.

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SLAA

Ending the Zigzag – Hopefully


so last post was on the 18th of July that I am still not sober. I got back from my holiday and I still wasn’t willing to get back to sobriety. I started attending meetings, making phone calls and just dealing back with life as I did before my vacation. with one exception. I kept masturbating and I kept talking to gay guys on a gay hookup app. I kind of wanted to keep the person that emerged during the short period of recovery and still get out there and get a hit. (haven’t I repeated this like a million times by now? also haven’t I already realized that it was IMPOSSIBLE?) yet I kept trying.

Lucky I was back to where I spent most of my recovery time. attending meetings and talking to enough addicts got me to slowly realize the insanity of my thoughts. also one thing that was the final straw, I have been talking to the members of the fellowship in Egypt on recover, they go read the literature and come back to ask questions given that I am older in the program. I struggled so much with feeling like a big hypocrite every time I attempted to explain to them concepts that I refuse to apply in my life. I couldn’t share the awareness off and act as if I never knew recovery.

and here we go again. I stopped masturbating over a week ago and I finally deleted my hook up profile and un-installed the app completely 3 days ago. it is withdrawal all over again. but this time is different from my “back to Sobriety” posts as I have a lot more of the tools of the program available to me. I am also back on track with my prayers.

will make this one a short one, thanks for reading. hopefully I will still be sober with the next post.

 

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