SLAA

Loved you before I met you


In the moonlit Egyptian summer night, looking out from the balcony of my parents apartment in a quiet Cairo suburb, holding hands with my then boyfriend and listening to savage garden. I knew I loved you before I met you was the name of the song. I related to every word of it. He was the one, I dreamed him into life.

There’s just no rhyme or reason
Only the sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces I’m searching for
I think I’ve found my way home

He was my way home. I was completely in love. I couldn’t think of anything better than to be in his arms. even now as I write this, 17 years later, I still feel that slight sense of joy form remembering the feeling I had when I was with him. My sex addiction made him the saviour. He was going to fix me. He was the answer to all my problems. He was the fulfilment of all my dreams. But the fact is, he was none of that.

I had designed a description of my saviour, it was tailor made to represent my fantasy. when I met him, I almost immediately dressed him up in my description. now looking back I could see that it was the wrong size, it ripped the minute he tried it on. But that didn’t alarm me. I was convinced that it fit him perfectly. He was the one.

not sure where to go from there, I was listening to savage garden the other day and it brought back all the memories. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t in recovery from sex and love addiction so I can indulge once more in such feelings. Most times, however, I am grateful for the life I have in recovery. It doesn’t offer the highs of my addiction but it also protects me from the deep lows I was left with in between the highs.

Standard
SLAA

God intervened


every now and then I get flashbacks of times where I acted out on my addiction, or times where I had the opportunity of acting out and I didn’t. when that happens, the feeling that follows this flashback is one of regret. I keep thinking about what I could have done to have more fun but didn’t do. asking myself the question, “I wasn’t in recovery then, why didn’t I just do this or do that”.

today I got my answer. I didn’t do this or that because God intervened. Yes I may have not been in recovery then, or I may have been in a relapse but regardless, the action and the motive were wrong, and sometimes God intervened to save me from myself. so now when I am feeling low and ready to give it all up I can remember that God can intervene again if I seek his help.

Standard
SLAA

It’s your call


there is a saying: “wheter you think you can or you think you can’t, in both cases you are right.” today I texted my sponsor in the morning to commit my day. in my head i worked out that I am busy and that it won’t be practical for me to do my step work writing. so as I am typing I realized that I am PLANNING NOT to do the work. I am actively planning it. so I rephrased my text stating that I will do at least one question of my step work. and I did. i just finished it despite a busy day, and now I even have time to tell you all about it.

Standard
SLAA

The old wiring


Have you heard of neuroplasticity? it is that promise that you can always rewire your brain. the trick is the old wiring doesn’t get removed when a new wiring is added. it is always there, ready to fire if triggered with the right set of circumstances.

yesterday I had so many thoughts going through my mind. addictive thoughts. I was trying so hard to work out how to act out and still be sober. ridiculous isn’t it. then it hit me, I hadn’t don’t any of my program work all day. of course, the old wiring kicked in. I got up and texted my sponsor and surrendered.

Today, I attended a meeting, did some step work, said my prayers and now doing my writing. singing a lullaby to my old wiring and giving a dose of caffeine to my new wiring.

Standard
SLAA

Can I read?


I am married to a really supportive woman. she knows I am a sex addict and that I am working a recovery program. the other day I said “alright I need to get some step work done” for those who don’t know what step work is, it can take many shapes, in my case it is a series of questions about my addction and its patterns that i have to answer honestly. so guess what she said, “Can i read” … HELL NO, no you can’t. well, I didn’t say hell no, but I said OF COURSE NOT, these are my deepest darkest secrets. 🙂

she was very understanding and walked away and gave me privacy to do my work. aren’t i lucky.

Standard
SLAA

Simple but not easy


a common phrase heard in the rooms a lot. the recovery program is simple but not easy. the last time I spoke to my sponsor she “wrote me” a prescription. Text me once in the morning, once at night, call at least one other addict in recovery each day, attend 3 recovery meetings a week, spend 30 minutes doing step work each day.

These things are simple. recovery from addiction requires me to be willing. If I am willing, I act accordingly and follow the instructions of my sponsor, if I follow them, I recover. Recover doesn’t mean that my addiction suddenly fades away. recover means I recover my life back, I take back all the things I lose when I am in active addiction. simple right?

Standard
SLAA

It is only natural for the addict


I was having another chat with my sponsor this morning. she said “it is only natural for the aloholic to drink, so it is only natural for the sex addiction to act out sexually”

It was reassuring to hear these words. after reflecting on what I called “my twisted motives” I was feeling a bit overwhelmed. yet when she said these words I could tell myself that my brain is wired that way, being nature or nurture, it is the way it is at the moment. So rather than being overwhelmed by my brain and it’s “natural” wiring, I am just going to focus on how I respond to its promptings.

Standard
SLAA

Checking the motive :)


I was talking to my sponsor about a slip I had and she asked me THE question, What was your motive from going there? I said, well I was probably just trying to put myself at risk and then oops I did it again. She stopped me right there and said, NO, your motive was sex! cause if you fluff around and say this or that you will do it again. you have to be honest about your motive.

Bloody Hell. that question rattled me. I always knew I could lie to myself, yet I wasn’t aware of the extent of it. 6 years in recovery and I am still perfectly able to find loopholes and play around my recovery boundaries. Luckily I have a sponsor who’s able to set me straight.

To be completely honest, one of the current thoughts is “I am not ready to give it all up”, “I am not ready to be so brutally honest”, “I still want to put myself at risk and have situations that are grey”. I used to say how glad I am to be in recovery, I don’t want to give that up and I want to hold on to what I’ve got. that wasn’t entirely honest. I will leave this by saying that I have so much in recovery that I am grateful for. I am still weak and want my fun of addiction. I am praying for the willingness to be completely honest with myself and let no room left for grey.

Standard
SLAA

voters, what’s up?


something about my writing style changed? or is it the lack of consistent posting? I just popped in to write a blog and then saw that all my blogs had a 1 start rating. most of them had an average of over 20 votes and still a 1 star. that must be some poor quality writing. Just curious.

if you voted 1 star, would you be so kind and tell me what would have made it better? how could my blog be more helpful to you?

Standard