Living a lie


One thing about being an addict, I always felt like I am living a lie! There wasn’t a time where I could honestly call my feelings authentic. I am not saying that I never had authentic feelings, nor am I saying that I was never authentic in my interactions and experiences. I am just saying that I doubted everything I felt. I couldn’t trust my feelings. couldn’t experience them to their fullest. I always felt like I was acting. when something nice happens I felt the obligation to act happy, then I felt guilty about being happy, cause I don’t deserve to be happy, I am a bad person, and bad people should be miserable. Then when I was truly miserable, I felt that it was all my fault, had I been a good person (i.e. not acting out on my addiction) then I wouldn’t have been miserable and as a result I always felt like I don’t have the right to feel miserable cause it was just me to blame.

Now, in recovery, I am a sex and love addict in recovery. I am a compulsive overeater in recovery. I am happy some of the time, sad some other times, frustrated, angry, ecstatic, pleased and all sort of other emotions some of the time. and regardless of the emotion, there is no judgement (well, most of the time) I just try to experience my feelings and sit with them.

Today something really pleasant happened to my wife, she came and shared it with me. I was so genuinly happy, we connected with each other as we both experienced our feelings without judgement. I was briefly reminded of what it was like before and felt immensely grateful for where I am at today.

Thanks for reading, and if you relate to what I wrote, know you are not alone.

Another day has come and gone


My wife had one of the girls sleeping with her. I slep a bit later than I should last night. Woke up to find that my other girl had a fever and had caught cold. I managed to hold her close and help her sleep an it longer. Then got up, had a bit of breakfast and I spent time with my son and my daughter. Managed to put the little girl for a nap. Then played snakes and ladders with my sons and flew paper planes. It was lots of fun. 

My wife arrived with our middle daughter. I started packing as … well a bit of background…. It is school holidays and the kids are home full time. So my wife and I (we are separated at the moment and she lives elsewhere and I have the kids with me) anyway my wife and I agreed she’ll have them one week and I will have the other till the end of the school break. Today is the start of her week. 

So I packed, said goodbye to the kids and hit the road. I am house sitting at a friend’s place. I went first to pick a friend up from the airport and hand out with her and show her the city. We had a simple meal together and then eventually sent her home to where she is staying. 

I dropped off by home to pick up some items I forgot. The two older kids were still up so I gave them long hugs and head out. Hung out with my friend and her partner and chatted for a bit.  Now I am lying on a bed in my sleeping bag. Will say a prayer after posting this and go to sleep. 

22 days sober 5 days full withdrawal 

You again


I decided today 22/12/2016 to start a period of withdrawal and get back to recovery. I really don’t want to do this but hey first day just passed. 

Maybe short daily posts to check in will be beneficial for me. I will do them from my phone before I go to bed. Nothing fancy. 

Summary of the day is as follows. Rough night with one of my kids. Okay day at work. A couple of outreach calls. Picked the keys to the house I am sitting next week. Had dinner at home. Went to a SLAA meeting. 

Now I will shower, say some prayers, message some recovery partner and go to bed. 

Good night