Right sized needs, wrong size life


So I am one week sober! YES, Again. I realized that I was just one week sober 11 days ago. but hey, Progress, not Perfection. I feel that I am making progress.

Today was an interesting one. I almost had an ego driven argument with my father because she is so wrapped up in his reality and with no awareness whatsoever to the world outside his brain. I am the kind that asks clearly for what I want. I am happy to consider something other than what i communicated but it has to come in the form of feedback or communicated somehow. what my dad does on regular basis is completely ignore what I say, then does what he thinks would please me. IT WOULD FREAKING PLEASE ME IF YOU DO WHAT I SAY!! simple right? but hey, what he did was something I needed and it benefits me, just not following my process GRRRRR damn ego!!

then my Ex takes charge of planning a catch up between my friend and I. Totally highjacking my sunday night plan and expecting me to be grateful. i stuck to my plan and ingored her attempt to please me. it borthered me so much. why is everyone trying to please me according to their brain, why don’t they just say “hey, i want to do something nice, would that be it?” and LET ME THE HELL BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

yes yes i hear myself talking. but you get it though, don’t you. it bugs the hell out of me when people make assumptions and operate on the basis that they are true. I make assumptions all the time, I am human, but i think that i try to validate my assumptions and find the source of truth. oh well, I am sure i cut myself more slack in that regard than I do others.

Anyway. the final strike happened at the end of the day. I came out to my father. his reaction was just bleak. it went like this

Me: have you heard of Homosexuality?
Father: YEs
me: okay I am homosexual
Father: is that why you are breaking up with your wife?
me: no, She knew before I married her
Father: OKay, May God be with you and guide you.

REALLY? that’s it? I was really expecting more. but then again he is probably wrapped up in his head with a million and one thoughts and nothing to connect him to the world outside

thanks for reading 🙂 be well.

Coming clean- back to day one


 I’ve been trying to keep sober for a while but I keep negotiating the system and tempt fate. My addictive pattern has been sex with strangers and obsessive masturbation. I stopped hook up apps but started meeting random strangers through Couchsurfing. Every time I connect with someone I follow the same process. Run through all the pictures make sure they meet a superficial appearance criteria then read through the profile carefully searching for any hints about their sexuality and if they’d be open for a hookup. 

I haven’t acted out with anyone from Couchsurfing but the process itself is sick and the hype and energy around it has addiction written all over it. 

On New Year’s Eve I met a random stranger to go for countdown, we hung out for a bit and then I invited him to crash over at my place. The guy is not even my type (superficial I know but hey, I am an addict) we shared a queen size bed. No touching. Not even suggestion. But just the idea that there is a random stranger in bed got me excite. Too excited that I spontaneously ejaculated from the fantasy in my head. After he left I masturbated. 

Today I would have been 4 weeks sober. as of now I am 24 hours clean. I went to a SLAA meeting and shared twice and openly about what happened. I made a decision to get rid of the Couchsurfing app and I did. I am praying to remain clean.

Thanks for reading.

God’s confirmations and blessings


I had a bit of an interrupted sleep. got up at five and managed to go back to sleep an hour later till 8. by the time I showered, prepared my stuff and fed the dog breakfast there was just enough time to drive to the house and see the kids briefly before they head out with their mom. i did that.

on my drive to the office i spoke to my mom on the phone. we had a bit of a frictionful (is that even a word) conversation. and smart me decided to bring up my public coming out and she basically shut down, started feeling depressed and wouldn’t even speak to me.

i felt miserable and self pitying. bad stuff for recovery. anyway, got to work, and got work done. had a nice lunch with a friend and a good walk. then I finished work early. i wasn’t feeling sober minded. I called a fellow addict and he suggested we meet. so I got home, changed, went back to the city (the city is like 15KM away from where I am staying). we had dinner and caught up. it was helpful.

after i finished dinner, I drove willfully to a beach which is famous for being “cloths optional” nudist beach. I was hoping I’d see some eye candy. i was also hoping to get in and have a swim. only saw elderly big bellied hairy men (sorry if that sounds shallow, but hey i was going there for eye candy, that is shallow too) I ended up taking pictures of the sunset and post them on my personal social media.

I then picked a couch surfer from the city, we went home and had a cup of tea and chatted after i had a shower and changed. when we finished the tea, we drove back to the city and had a nice walk, went to bar for a drink and then said goodbye.

I was so not wanting to go home and so not wanting to be alone and so not caring about remaining sober but still not wanting to act out if any of this makes sense. I stayed in my car in the parking lot singing Karaoke on an app then decided to drive home. on the way home i tried to call my mom and she was not willing to talk to me. she sounded so depressed.

at home now, just before I type this, my cousin and I had a phone conversation cause he say that my facebook page says i am gay. he wanted to know how he can support me and he wanted to assure me of his love and unconditional acceptance.

I feel so happy and grateful for God’s confirmation. I need to remain sober to focus on this effort.

 

26 days sober, 9 days of full withdrawal.

backache is easier than insanity


I woke up today with a backache, i think I am not dressed warm enough or the bed i am sleeping in is not good for my back. bottomline is I am experiencing pain and pain is a trigger for me. I am familiar with drowning pain “medicating it” in the depth of my depth of my addiction.

I also got a text from my wife asking me to come help with the kids so she can rest as she had a rough night. I didn’t jump to the rescue but I jumped to resentment. I have them full time and I deal with the rough nights pretty much every night since we separated, why couldn’t she do it for a few nights. anyway, i quickly dropped the thought, went and showered, fed the dog breakfast and drove over to home. they were all getting ready to leave so I spent just a bit of time with the kids before they left then sat to have breakfast cause i haven’t figured out the kitchen in the house where I am staying.

I returned back to the house where I am staying, did a bit for work from home and took a nap. the back pain triggered the thought “i need a massage” which i probably do, but no i don’t. I got up, got my stuff ready and drove to the office. I got a phone call from another addict and I had a nice recover conversation. I got to my desk and started working working working until i finished what i needed to finish. I also recorded and edited a video for my YouTube channel! whoohoo, it had been a couple of months since my last video.

after i finished, i went to a SLAA meeting, talked recovery, then drove by carl’s jr to get dinner and drove straight home. I watched the movie Race. heartache. thank goodness we went from a Black gold medalist not being acknowledged by the White House, to a Black president in the white house. I guess Yay for humanity, we are making progress in some areas.

I will say some prayers and go to sleep.

8 days of full withdrawal, 28 Days sober

One week – yet again


I got up at 6 am after just five hours of sleep. I couldn’t go back to bed even though i really wanted to. not a bid deal though. I got up, said my prayers, did some reading, showered, changed, fed the dog breakfast and took her for a walk.

I hit the road and went to see the kids in the morning before going to work. I knew i won’t be able to see them in the evening and I didn’t want to not see them. we played for a bit and I had breakfast at home then I drove to the office.

work was cruisey and light, nothing too much to handle. before five I was out to pick up a friend and go grocery shopping. we bought some stuff and got to his place and I cooked dinner. I made an Egyptian Dish called Koshary. we had a good meal and a good chat before he walked me back to my car. on the way to the car he asked me about being gay and married, he was respectfully curious. it was good practice for me as I work towards coming out. it is also a good reminder that coming out will be a lot easier if I am working my recovery. acting out and coming out will be messy.

I drove home, on the way home I started thinking that maybe i still have some time to squeeze something in, i didn’t go far enough with the thought to explore the something, i started thinking maybe i need an out reach call and just at that moment a fellow addict called. we had a good chat till I got home.

I gave the dog her dinner, brushed my teeth and now typing this. it is almost 11. i will put the dog in her bed and tuck myself in mine.

24 days sober and 7 days in full withdrawal.

A power greater than myself


23 days sober, and 6 days in full withdrawal. WOOHOO.

I slept well last night and slept in, didn’t wake up in the middle of the night and only got up at 7:30 am. it was good to have that amount of rest. I said hello to my host who had not gone on their trip yet, had coffee and chatted for a bit. I got a text from my wife stating that she had a really disrupted night and she needs me to come over to help with the kids for a couple of hours so she can catch up on her sleep. I said yes. the place I am staying at is 10 minutes away from home.

I went home, played with the kids for a bit while she rested. it was fun. she woke up refreshed and rested and was grateful for my help. soon after I got back to my friend’s place. my host was at the final bits of packing and they left shortly after.

I spent a bit of time on my PC looking for the NA Step working guide. I am working the steps now through the NA step questions. it is awesome. I had finished step one I think about a week ago. today I started Step two “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity” I answered the first couple of questions and it was a very helpful reminder that while this sucks, I can’t do it, someone else can.

I had a short nap, had a friend come over for a catch up and a bit of a walk, I had a shower, caught up with another friend over a phone call and then had my coaching session.

In my coaching session we spoke about my plan to come out. my coach was very loving and supportive. she will help me through the process. I have started making it known to people.

I got back home, checked on the dog, then drove out to grab a meal (drive through) and got home, watched a few videos on vulnerability by Rene Brown. powerful stuff.

I am going to bed sober. need to say my prayers. 🙂

Another day has come and gone


My wife had one of the girls sleeping with her. I slep a bit later than I should last night. Woke up to find that my other girl had a fever and had caught cold. I managed to hold her close and help her sleep an it longer. Then got up, had a bit of breakfast and I spent time with my son and my daughter. Managed to put the little girl for a nap. Then played snakes and ladders with my sons and flew paper planes. It was lots of fun. 

My wife arrived with our middle daughter. I started packing as … well a bit of background…. It is school holidays and the kids are home full time. So my wife and I (we are separated at the moment and she lives elsewhere and I have the kids with me) anyway my wife and I agreed she’ll have them one week and I will have the other till the end of the school break. Today is the start of her week. 

So I packed, said goodbye to the kids and hit the road. I am house sitting at a friend’s place. I went first to pick a friend up from the airport and hand out with her and show her the city. We had a simple meal together and then eventually sent her home to where she is staying. 

I dropped off by home to pick up some items I forgot. The two older kids were still up so I gave them long hugs and head out. Hung out with my friend and her partner and chatted for a bit.  Now I am lying on a bed in my sleeping bag. Will say a prayer after posting this and go to sleep. 

22 days sober 5 days full withdrawal 

A gathering of friends 


With the help of my father I managed to sleep in a bit. He looked after the children and fed them breakfast. We did a bit of clean up a bit of play a bit of tv and some cooking. We were invited to a Christmas party and we brought a dish. It was a lovely gathering. And a huge amount of food. I ate too much my tummy is sticking out. 

Now I need to go shower, brush teeth, say my prayers and go to bed. Day four of full withdrawal almost ending and I am still sober. 

I am probably in a total food addiction relapse but will deal with that later. 

Parenting helps


It was Saturday here. It is also Christmas Eve. I had the girls with me all morning. Did some cleaning fed the girls lunch. Put the little one down for a nap. My wife brought my our son home after lunch. I took him and his sister to go the pool but they closed early. We want to the mall instead. Some shopping and playing then home for dinner and more playing an then 2 hours of attempting to put them to sleep. I think I started too early. 

I was doing okay all day. The lengthy bedtime routine got on my nerves a bit but otherwise still happy and sober. Being a parent keeps me in check. 

Third day of full withdrawal, check!!