In case you are coming across this blog for the first time, here are a few quick facts that might give context to this post. I am a gay many, always have been and always will be. I chose to marry a woman. we’ve been together for almost 12 years. we have 3 kids (yes, biologically ours, conceived the good old fashion way). I am also a sex and Love addict in recovery.
A few years ago we hit a wall in our marriage where I couldn’t handle the level of un-diagnosed untreated anxiety and depression that my wife has. My coping mechanism was separating. I basically wanted out unless she sorts herself out. Harsh, I know but hey, I am not perfect. this was the best I was capable of at the time.
My wife since, started a short course of anti-depressants, she started seeing a therapist and we both did couple counseling. It took us over a year of hard work including about 10 months of separation bet we managed to work things out and get back on track as a married couple.
NOW, ALL THE SYMPTOMS ARE BACK. ALL OF THEM. This time I am trying to handle things differently. I am praying, I am asking God for help and guidance. I am also trying to be compassionate and tell myself “She is not a bad person, she is just unwell” and rather than quitting on her, I am hoping I can be there for her to help her with her recovery. in my judgement, she still needs to play her part, she needs to figure out the tools to use, it is not just on me to be understanding and compassionate.
Today was a tough one on me, I couldn’t take one more negative remark, not one more sigh, irritable voice, not one more gasping in shock at one of the kids actions, I just couldn’t. The last of the lot was a dinner time comment from her. I left the dinner table and walked to another room. first I started playing on my phone. then I decided to call a fellow addict in recovery, he didn’t answer, then I decided to pray and remember to forgive and be there for her. it is hard work to do this for an addict like me. I have an easy escape that I am very familiar with. Acting out sexually with the next available gay guy. but I don’t want to escape, I want to stay sober, I want to stay here and use the tools that I gathered from my six years in recovery.
If you read this far, please say a short prayer for me. maybe even leave an encouraging comment. Thanks