I was talking to my sponsor about a slip I had and she asked me THE question, What was your motive from going there? I said, well I was probably just trying to put myself at risk and then oops I did it again. She stopped me right there and said, NO, your motive was sex! cause if you fluff around and say this or that you will do it again. you have to be honest about your motive.
Bloody Hell. that question rattled me. I always knew I could lie to myself, yet I wasn’t aware of the extent of it. 6 years in recovery and I am still perfectly able to find loopholes and play around my recovery boundaries. Luckily I have a sponsor who’s able to set me straight.
To be completely honest, one of the current thoughts is “I am not ready to give it all up”, “I am not ready to be so brutally honest”, “I still want to put myself at risk and have situations that are grey”. I used to say how glad I am to be in recovery, I don’t want to give that up and I want to hold on to what I’ve got. that wasn’t entirely honest. I will leave this by saying that I have so much in recovery that I am grateful for. I am still weak and want my fun of addiction. I am praying for the willingness to be completely honest with myself and let no room left for grey.