Living a lie


One thing about being an addict, I always felt like I am living a lie! There wasn’t a time where I could honestly call my feelings authentic. I am not saying that I never had authentic feelings, nor am I saying that I was never authentic in my interactions and experiences. I am just saying that I doubted everything I felt. I couldn’t trust my feelings. couldn’t experience them to their fullest. I always felt like I was acting. when something nice happens I felt the obligation to act happy, then I felt guilty about being happy, cause I don’t deserve to be happy, I am a bad person, and bad people should be miserable. Then when I was truly miserable, I felt that it was all my fault, had I been a good person (i.e. not acting out on my addiction) then I wouldn’t have been miserable and as a result I always felt like I don’t have the right to feel miserable cause it was just me to blame.

Now, in recovery, I am a sex and love addict in recovery. I am a compulsive overeater in recovery. I am happy some of the time, sad some other times, frustrated, angry, ecstatic, pleased and all sort of other emotions some of the time. and regardless of the emotion, there is no judgement (well, most of the time) I just try to experience my feelings and sit with them.

Today something really pleasant happened to my wife, she came and shared it with me. I was so genuinly happy, we connected with each other as we both experienced our feelings without judgement. I was briefly reminded of what it was like before and felt immensely grateful for where I am at today.

Thanks for reading, and if you relate to what I wrote, know you are not alone.

November 2019 Recap


Kia Ora whanau, I am at a SLAA retreat. It prompted me to log into my WordPress account and post something. When I clicked on the plus sign to add a post, I found 4 old drafts. Check the screenshot below.  

draft for empowered

I didn’t go into any of the drafts to look at what I wrote but it gave me a good idea that I missed communicating a few major events in my recovery journey so I am going to be boring, I won’t sensationalize any of it and just put it as bullet points.  

  • July/August 2017 My wife and I got back together after a fair bit of couple therapy 
  • September 2017 My corporate Role was made redundant and I left my full-time job 
  • October/November 2017 I started driving Uber part time to make money without having to go back to the corporate world 
  • April 2018 I went travelling to the US to see my sister.  
  • May 2018 I was approaching 18 months sobriety (never happened) 
  • June 2018 I lost my sobriety  
  • November 2018 I chose another SLAA sponsor and started working the program got sober again.  
  • January 2019 I moved to another city.  
  • September 2019 I got abstinent in Overeaters anonymous 
  • October 2019 I lost my sobriety by having a slightly long hug with someone that was triggering  
  • I didn’t act out since and have been keeping my recovery top of mind in both followships (SLAA, and OA)