Coming clean- back to day one

 I’ve been trying to keep sober for a while but I keep negotiating the system and tempt fate. My addictive pattern has been sex with strangers and obsessive masturbation. I stopped hook up apps but started meeting random strangers through Couchsurfing. Every time I connect with someone I follow the same process. Run through all the pictures make sure they meet a superficial appearance criteria then read through the profile carefully searching for any hints about their sexuality and if they’d be open for a hookup. 

I haven’t acted out with anyone from Couchsurfing but the process itself is sick and the hype and energy around it has addiction written all over it. 

On New Year’s Eve I met a random stranger to go for countdown, we hung out for a bit and then I invited him to crash over at my place. The guy is not even my type (superficial I know but hey, I am an addict) we shared a queen size bed. No touching. Not even suggestion. But just the idea that there is a random stranger in bed got me excite. Too excited that I spontaneously ejaculated from the fantasy in my head. After he left I masturbated. 

Today I would have been 4 weeks sober. as of now I am 24 hours clean. I went to a SLAA meeting and shared twice and openly about what happened. I made a decision to get rid of the Couchsurfing app and I did. I am praying to remain clean.

Thanks for reading.

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