Right sized needs, wrong size life


So I am one week sober! YES, Again. I realized that I was just one week sober 11 days ago. but hey, Progress, not Perfection. I feel that I am making progress.

Today was an interesting one. I almost had an ego driven argument with my father because she is so wrapped up in his reality and with no awareness whatsoever to the world outside his brain. I am the kind that asks clearly for what I want. I am happy to consider something other than what i communicated but it has to come in the form of feedback or communicated somehow. what my dad does on regular basis is completely ignore what I say, then does what he thinks would please me. IT WOULD FREAKING PLEASE ME IF YOU DO WHAT I SAY!! simple right? but hey, what he did was something I needed and it benefits me, just not following my process GRRRRR damn ego!!

then my Ex takes charge of planning a catch up between my friend and I. Totally highjacking my sunday night plan and expecting me to be grateful. i stuck to my plan and ingored her attempt to please me. it borthered me so much. why is everyone trying to please me according to their brain, why don’t they just say “hey, i want to do something nice, would that be it?” and LET ME THE HELL BE IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE.

yes yes i hear myself talking. but you get it though, don’t you. it bugs the hell out of me when people make assumptions and operate on the basis that they are true. I make assumptions all the time, I am human, but i think that i try to validate my assumptions and find the source of truth. oh well, I am sure i cut myself more slack in that regard than I do others.

Anyway. the final strike happened at the end of the day. I came out to my father. his reaction was just bleak. it went like this

Me: have you heard of Homosexuality?
Father: YEs
me: okay I am homosexual
Father: is that why you are breaking up with your wife?
me: no, She knew before I married her
Father: OKay, May God be with you and guide you.

REALLY? that’s it? I was really expecting more. but then again he is probably wrapped up in his head with a million and one thoughts and nothing to connect him to the world outside

thanks for reading 🙂 be well.

Coming clean- back to day one


 I’ve been trying to keep sober for a while but I keep negotiating the system and tempt fate. My addictive pattern has been sex with strangers and obsessive masturbation. I stopped hook up apps but started meeting random strangers through Couchsurfing. Every time I connect with someone I follow the same process. Run through all the pictures make sure they meet a superficial appearance criteria then read through the profile carefully searching for any hints about their sexuality and if they’d be open for a hookup. 

I haven’t acted out with anyone from Couchsurfing but the process itself is sick and the hype and energy around it has addiction written all over it. 

On New Year’s Eve I met a random stranger to go for countdown, we hung out for a bit and then I invited him to crash over at my place. The guy is not even my type (superficial I know but hey, I am an addict) we shared a queen size bed. No touching. Not even suggestion. But just the idea that there is a random stranger in bed got me excite. Too excited that I spontaneously ejaculated from the fantasy in my head. After he left I masturbated. 

Today I would have been 4 weeks sober. as of now I am 24 hours clean. I went to a SLAA meeting and shared twice and openly about what happened. I made a decision to get rid of the Couchsurfing app and I did. I am praying to remain clean.

Thanks for reading.