God’s confirmations and blessings

I had a bit of an interrupted sleep. got up at five and managed to go back to sleep an hour later till 8. by the time I showered, prepared my stuff and fed the dog breakfast there was just enough time to drive to the house and see the kids briefly before they head out with their mom. i did that.

on my drive to the office i spoke to my mom on the phone. we had a bit of a frictionful (is that even a word) conversation. and smart me decided to bring up my public coming out and she basically shut down, started feeling depressed and wouldn’t even speak to me.

i felt miserable and self pitying. bad stuff for recovery. anyway, got to work, and got work done. had a nice lunch with a friend and a good walk. then I finished work early. i wasn’t feeling sober minded. I called a fellow addict and he suggested we meet. so I got home, changed, went back to the city (the city is like 15KM away from where I am staying). we had dinner and caught up. it was helpful.

after i finished dinner, I drove willfully to a beach which is famous for being “cloths optional” nudist beach. I was hoping I’d see some eye candy. i was also hoping to get in and have a swim. only saw elderly big bellied hairy men (sorry if that sounds shallow, but hey i was going there for eye candy, that is shallow too) I ended up taking pictures of the sunset and post them on my personal social media.

I then picked a couch surfer from the city, we went home and had a cup of tea and chatted after i had a shower and changed. when we finished the tea, we drove back to the city and had a nice walk, went to bar for a drink and then said goodbye.

I was so not wanting to go home and so not wanting to be alone and so not caring about remaining sober but still not wanting to act out if any of this makes sense. I stayed in my car in the parking lot singing Karaoke on an app then decided to drive home. on the way home i tried to call my mom and she was not willing to talk to me. she sounded so depressed.

at home now, just before I type this, my cousin and I had a phone conversation cause he say that my facebook page says i am gay. he wanted to know how he can support me and he wanted to assure me of his love and unconditional acceptance.

I feel so happy and grateful for God’s confirmation. I need to remain sober to focus on this effort.

 

26 days sober, 9 days of full withdrawal.

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