after the rough night I told you about in my previous post I just went on with the day as per usual. I woke up a bit late today as my mom got up early to prepare breakfast for us. I tired to go back to sleep for a bit before the kids got up. I probably clocked half an our of extra rest.
I started working shortly after the kids got up and started having their breakfast and I wasn’t the most productive. wasted a lot of time. I was tired and unmotivated. but well I did get a few things done. I stopped work just past midday and went for a short nap then took a shower and got on my way to the hospital. I spent most of the afternoon with my wife and the baby.
there is really very little that we have control over. too many variables around us. controls is an illusion indeed. so my baby has jaundice, really strong. she needs to go through phototherapy. also she needs a bit more food that what she is currently getting through breastfeeding. as she is too lethargic to suck properly. the nurse was very sympathetic, and attentive. we got a pump for my wife to start expressing her milk and give the baby more milk that what they get by sucking. the story brought back the painful memories of our first child’s jaundice and breastfeeding challenges. we had so many issues with him that it was too painful, I didn’t want to have another child as a result (and look at us having three).
I have strong opinions about breastfeeding, jaundice and infant care. I had asserted many of these opinions with health professionals and with my wife when my first was born. it was terrible. combined with my wife’s post natal depression, it was a recipe for disaster. this time I was able to recognize the “self-seeking” character defect and the desire to be right and to control everything around me. I tried so hard to detach from these ideas and let things flow. I tried as much as possible to just be present, and support my wife through what she is going through.
I kept identifying her feelings and acknowledging them, then I asked how can I be helpful? she said, you are doing it! you are being helpful. I felt so privileged to have the chance to be the husband she needed at that point of time. and felt so blessed to have such family.
I came to a mother in distress who was in tears and feeling helpless, frustrated and worried and left a happy woman who was smiling while breastfeeding, pumping and holding our daughter to the UV light all at the same time.
Thank God for recovery
I got home, fed the kids dinner, put them to sleep with a little help from my mom in law. and then it was time for me to break the fast with my mom and the rest of the evening went really well. we said some healing prayers for my daughter and my wife and now I am typing this and will be ready to sleep.
more reflections to come