My Sober Dreams


Since I started working the program of recovery I had periods where I didn’t have any sexual intimacy due to long gaps between sex with my wife. when that happened I had a fair amount of wet dreams. my wet dreams were all homosexual in nature. it was always bizarre to go through that. I often woke up feeling strange, almost uncertain, have I lost my sobriety? did this happen for real or was I truly asleep? then when it all settled, the blur is gone and I realize I was asleep then I have to deal with the mess in the middle of the night. Lucky my wife never ask me “what were you doing in the shower at 3 am”. I am pretty sure she noticed that I am wearing different PG pants from the ones I wore when I got to bed.

a couple of months ago I had my first Sober Dream. I was back in my home town in my parent’s house, we had a large gathering of guests and while I was alone in one of the rooms someone walked in on me and started to make advances on me. I gently pushed him away and started talking to him about Sex addiction and about the fellowship. I woke up feeling pretty good.

Last night I had another dream. there is a SLAA member that I connect with (I find him good looking but never fantasized about him, also he is straight). we were sharing a bed, don’t know why, but then he moved closer getting a bit “too close” seductively inviting. in the dream I jumped out of bed and objected to what he was about to do. I also got up happy. I sure won’t outreach to that SLAA member about my dream hehehe 🙂

 

Happy Naw Ruz


after 19 days of Fast, Naw Ruz Marks one of the Bahai Holy Days and the Bahai New Year. there are 9 Holy Days a year that Bahais observe and work should be suspended. during my active addiction I always acted out on days leading to a Holy days with the intention to stop on that holy day. i never did.

so the Bahai Calendar is a 19 Months, each Month 19 days which comes up to 361 days, the 4 (or 5 during leap years) days balance are called Ayyam-i-ha and are placed right before the last month which is the fasting month. these days are of significant spiritual importance to the Bahais. many years I acted out before these days hoping to stop when they come. many years I prayed to stop but I don’t think my prayers were sincere. (did I say my prayers today? i will after i finish this) then I act out during Ayyam-i-Ha hoping to stop during the Fast. but I don’t, then i act out during the fast hoping to stop by Naw Ruz. I still didn’t.

Today 21st of March I am 8 Months sober. which means I was fasting all the days leading to the fast, I enjoyed celebrating Ayyam-i-Ha, I had a wonderful spiritual high from the fast. and now I get to celebrate the Bahai New Year and celebrate 8 months of Sobriety. on top of that 21st March is the Mother’s Day in the part of the world i come from so i also got to celebrate mother’s day with my mom in the morning.

Thanks a lot for those of you who kept me company during these days. and thanks everyone who read this.

I will stop my daily posts for the time being and will get back to my normal pattern of posting when there is something i want to share about.

have a lovely New Year everyone

 

Fast Reflections Day 19


Today marked the last day of the Bahai fast, the first fast that I had sober for the entire period. and probably one of the most major milestones in my recovery journey.

My last post was talking about the fabulous sleep I had the night before. looks like I jinxed it. I stayed a bit late that night (by a bit late I mean till 2 am) by the time I got to bed my daughter had wet her bed, I had to change the sheets and change her, then she eventually wanted to sleep in my bed. by five thirty both my kids were up because of whatever. the conclusion is I had 3 hours of sleep.

breakfast, then kids out of the house then working from home followed by a trip to the office in the afternoon and a relatively productive day despite my exhaustion. when I got home, my lovely wife offered that I go for a nap and I did, taking the little baby in my arms. I had a good 90 minutes of deep sleep.

I got up, broke the fast for the last time with my mom and my mom in law then I rushed to my office room to host the SLAA NZ Skype Meeting. so a lot of the guys are on a retreat in Taupo so I was thinking no one is going to show up to the meeting. the meeting started with 4 participants and half way through it a few of the fellows who were on the retreat got on the call. it was great. and everyone had a chance to share. I love the skype meeting.

I want to thank you all for keeping me company during this special time. I might post one more reflection tomorrow celebrating Nowruz but if not then I will post later about something else.

also tomorrow I don’t have to wake up before sunrise, so if the kids remain asleep I will be sleeping in. it is the weekend

 

Fast Reflections Day 18


I had the BEST Sleep so far. as in I actually slept enough. oh and did I mention that I had the best night of sleep? I have enough energy to repeat the same thing over and over again as you can see, oh the wonders of good night sleep. 🙂 alright I will stop.

the funny thing is that I still got up a few times, first time because I had a wet dream and I needed to clean up. I was almost acting out in my dream. Gosh that was a good reminder. I am in fact a sex and love addict. won’t mention much about the dream itself. nothing that exciting anyway. so got that out of the way and while trying to get back to sleep I sensed that my kids needed to go so I took each of them to the toilette for a midnight wee. then I got back to bed. my little girl got up a little later to sleep in my arms. I love my kids and love their little arms wrapped around my neck (occasionally choking me).

in due time I got up to help make breakfast with my mom and mom in law, started eating, kids got up, you know the story…. after the kids went off to their day care and preschool I went to get ready and after I finished I decided not to go to the office and work from home today. it worked out well as we got a call from my daughter’s day care that she has a bit of fever, so I was able to go get her. it was a mild fever so nothing to worry about much. I worked for a bit and since I am fasting and I won’t be eating lunch I took my lunch break in bed. I napped. I KNOW RIGHT? even more sleep. this must be the best day ever.

after my nap I kept working again. at work I got REALLY mad at somebody. I WAS RIGHT. but I was also aware that there are for more important things than being right. I can’t have resentment. and I need to watch for my character defects. the good news is, I was able to vent the situation with other people and see to proceed further without losing it at someone. the only thing that I did to imply that I was mad was telling a colleague that “I find your response unprofessional” and when he kept going on I said “this conversation ends here” and I closed the IM window. I needed to pray about it and direct my attention to someone I can help. Thank God for Steps 11 and 12

after finishing work I didn’t have to drive home, I just had to leave my office. I spent a bit of time with the kids, fed them some of their dinner and then took my mom and went to another family for a community break of fast. we were the only ones who turned up. it was really cool, we got to catch up and have a bit of a quality time with that family. when I got home, I was able to hold my baby girl for a while, change her and hold her some more before I handed her to her mom for a feed and started typing this.

more reflections to come.

 

Fast Reflections day 17


wow two more days to go. this Fasting month is going by Fast (pun intended)

again usual stuff at night. girl waking up for mummy, boy waking up to pee, girl waking up again for mummy, but on the plus side, no one wet their bed so it was a relatively easier night. but I still hadn’t had enough sleep. so in the morning, after breakfast and after the kids got up, I went back to bed. at about 8:15 am. I didn’t get up for another hour and a half. it was amazing.

I got to the office late but it was alright as I didn’t have any meetings in the morning. work was productive. I had a few sponsee calls. I had a couple of outreach calls. I also had a chance to sit quietly in a room and say my prayers as well as pray for others in the fellowship.

today I also recorded my first Audio Post. to test the water and see how it goes. you can listen to it below. I like to speak, but I need to figure out what to put as an image as I am not ready to have my face on YouTube yet. (you can see the amateur picture in the video, not so cool)

I got home had dinner with the family and washed the dishes while my wife was putting the older kids to sleep. I wished to be the one putting them to sleep but well. I was too tired to be patient enough, she did a better job at it. when I finished I took my baby daughter in my arms and sat on the recliner chair and before I knew it, I was in deep sleep. I so needed it. got up to find that my wife had taken the baby to feed and my mom had covered me with a blanket. lol.

when I got up I had a shower and changed out of my work cloths and I am now typing this. will post it and go back to sleep 🙂

More reflections to come (at least two more)

 

Fast Reflections Day 16


usual stuff at night, I am used to it by now (who am kidding, I need more sleep)

In the morning, after breakfast my wife said: “Honey I think you should go to a meeting”. she said it in the nicest way possible. she talked about how she notices that I missed and that she misses the impact it has on me and on the family. she was very sweet about it. And I did really miss the meetings.

there is a meeting on every Tuesday evening that I could go to. but I was wondering if staying away from home for so long will be an issue with the kids and my wife. so she said “let’s play it by ear and I will let you know if we need you to come home early. otherwise, please go to the meeting”

it was really nice to hear that. the day went really well, I five phone calls with 2 of my sponsees who needed a lot of support, I had a productive day at work and the time flew by. in the afternoon, I called home and asked how things were, and all was well. I am free to go to the meeting.

the meeting started at 7:30 and sunset was at 7:38 so that meant no dinner for me before the meeting ended. but it was worth it. I really needed the meeting.

by the time I got to the meeting I was really tired. and really happy. I had a quick chat with someone in the room about working the program. his version of working with a sponsor was asking someone to be his sponsor, when the person said no, he kept calling him anyway, and he still calls him “unofficial sponsor”. it was an interesting concept, but as my sponsor always reminded me, we don’t have monopoly on recovery.  when the meeting started, he happened to be the chair person. it was a topic meeting. he chose the topic “working the program”. it was really cool. in the process I was gracefully made present to my character defect “EGO” I was trying really hard to practice humility.

the meeting ended, I rushed home, had a very nice meal cooked by my mom, then spent a bit of time with my wife and baby girl before I went to sleep. I took my laptop with me to bed to write this but I fell asleep right away. so I am writing this a day later. but you won’t judge me for the delay would you?

would be nice to hear your thoughts 😉 any of’em

more reflections to come.

 

Fast reflections day 15


rough night, what’s new. so I won’t talk about it.

today was my first day back at work full time after the birth of my baby girl. (she is SOO CUTE!!) and I had a work commitment early on. so I was woken up by my mom after she prepared breakfast, I started eating, kids joined in etc. then I went to shower and get ready for work.

kids got ready, off they went with their grandmothers to their preschool and I was about to hit the road for work when my wife asked me to say prayers together, so we did. I found myself sitting in meditative state long after she stopped reading her prayer. I enjoyed it so much.

On the drive to work the traffic was heavy at 8 am. I consider my time in the care “me time” it is the time I reflect, listen to music, my books or make outreach calls. so in the middle of my reflection about how tough the weekend has been I remembered how I eagerly called someone else to get a “social fix” or went and acted out for a sexual fix. this time I found myself turning to God and saying “you are my only friend”, “let me know what you want me to do” then shortly after I had a call with one of my sponsees. what a blessing to be able to help someone else.

the day went alright work wise. towards the end I was almost hesitant to drive home. but I did. I got to blissfully carry my baby girl for a while. I played a bit with my kids till it was time to help them get ready for bed. then I had dinner, I listened to my wife play the piano and now I am on the sack ready for another night.

more reflections to come.

I fell asleep without publishing this leaving the laptop on my lap. my wife closed the lid and left it there. in case I needed again she said. #SMH

Fast Reflections days 13 and 14


Saturday:

I had the best night sleep. five hours straight uninterrupted which was the best I had all week. that said I woke up at five am. I couldn’t return to sleep. the last few days I have been waking up after my mom had prepared breakfast, this time since I was up before everyone else, I decided to start preparing breakfast. by the time we started eating my little girl woke up and joined us, shortly after that my son got up.

Saturday was the day my wife was schedule to come home with our new born baby girl. The plan was to go pick them up from the hospital shortly after breakfast and be back home early enough to take my two older ones for their Bahai Children Class by 10 am. I got to the hospital early, while waiting for this and that to go home my wife and I were talking about the kids and about how we instruct them, talk to them etc. she sounded so positive and inspiring I was sold.

we got home, I swapped cars, took the two older kids and went to the children’s class which started at 10. the reason we did it that way is that I allow my wife and baby a couple of hours to settle into the home before they kids get all “mummy!! Baby!!” after missing them for the past five days. I had a great time with the kids and then drove home with the two kids almost three hours later. from that point on till the end of the day I had the most tension ever. my wife was very irritable at the kids, overly protective over the baby from the kids and just plain grumpy. I was up since five, I was tired, and I didn’t have a whole lot of patience for irritable and grumpy.

Sunday:

I could tell you what happened or just tell you what I found out. the annoyance, irritability and moodiness continued. I was pretty much over it. and then it hit me. I felt out of control. the situation wasn’t out of control but I wasn’t the one controlling it. that bothered me so much. oh wait let me tell you about one thing. so I am a big believer in attachment parenting. after breakfast I held my new born girl around the house. she asked me THREE TIMES if I am going to put her in the bassinet. I was thinking “lay off woman, Controlling much?!” I didn’t say that of course. but it bothered me so much. and it set the tone for the rest of the day till the thought dawned on me.

it took so much out of me to let go. I know there is a whole list of character defects associated with my desire to control. and it got easier and as the day ended. I had a great time. I had a chat with my wife and cuddled with my baby before I got to type this.

I am in bed and will nod off shortly after this is published.