#step9: the Amends that didn’t go my way

I just realized that I never mentioned this in any of my posts. as a child I was molested by my older male cousins. they were also kids at the time, 2 and 4 years older than me which was a big gap when I was 10.

The two of them made it to my Step 4 sexual inventory list, which naturally led to them be on my Step 8 and I became willing to make amend to them. You should probably know that what I need to apologize for was more than 20 years ago. also that we’ve been friends (close friends almost) for about 15 years or so.

anyway, as part of my step 9, I initiated contact with each of them trying to coordinate time so we can talk. Generally before every Amends I try to take a bit of time in a quiet area, say a bit of prayers and then make the call. I had that luxury with most of my amends and with one of my cousins. With the second one however, he called me unexpectedly.

Let’s take a couple of steps back. The day I was talking about was one of the roughest in terms of recovery. It started with a bit of resentment that I needed to deal with and look at myself. I was dealing with strong cravings throughout the day. Also I was exploring vine (the social media app) and I stumbled across a number of inappropriate 5 second clips which I didn’t immediately turn away from, but I eventually uninstalled the app because I thought I can’t handle it. And while going through all that combined with a busy work day my cousin called at 5:30pm!!

I felt that this was the will of God for me. I got to take the call and just make the amends. And here is how it went.

Me: ——- a bit of small talk — Him: —— some small talk back—– Me: so I needed to talk to you about something. It has been a long time ago and probably a bit weird that I bring it up but I want to apologize about this incident (and described the situation in question) Him: Man don’t say that, why do you bring it up Me: well I know but I am working on a program that requires me to look into my past and apologize where apology is due, and I feel that I owe you an apology for this. Him: Oh come on it is not such a big deal, it has been forever and it is really not called for to bring it up.

Then the conversation carried on in other direction around our families and our lives and this and that.

I hung up the phone and wasn’t very pleased with the answer. first thoughts were: “Not a big deal?” Of Course it is, it messed me up. (I felt invalidated) then immediately after that I was thinking “I was the one who was molested” he didn’t even say sorry.

I know I know, if you are an addict who is working the program properly you will immediately pick up on the fact that these thoughts are not in line with the spirit of step9. I had to pray about it, share about and talk to my sponsor about it. And now I am sharing it with you. share your thoughts, and please be gentle 🙂

4 thoughts on “#step9: the Amends that didn’t go my way

  1. Garry

    Knowing life will not always be “pristine” in how we realize it moment to moment, I think you can only go from your heart.., which it sounds like you did. Ultimately I feel it is best to try not to “measure the moment” as this becomes a judgment.
    In your decision process of carrying out the amends, there was likely hope within you that it would “go” well. Yet as I see it, you fullfilled the greatest hope in that you sought to and made amends, just as you set out to do. Having any other hopes or expectations filled in the process may be gravy.., or they may be lessons for days to come. But I relate to your moment, where your heart sought what your heart and life wanted.., amends. As Dean said, your side of the street. And from that standpoint, I feel you would make a very reasonable neighbor…
    Thankful for your honesty, openness and willingness…

    With you in transparency…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Garry for your reply. Yes there was hope, one that I wasn’t aware of and maybe because I wasn’t a the right spiritual condition for that call. I am grateful that I had a meeting that same night. I gave a sigh of relief at the meeting and I shared. the next morning I had a call with my sponsor and got it all out. I am so grateful to be in recovery and for the tools of the program. Above all I am thankful to God for keeping me Sober and granting me the serenity.

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