#step9 – my ex boyfriend replied


In response to Letter to my ex boyfriend

Dear —–,

thank you for your words. I am quite sure that you will be able to open the doors of confirmations even wider – day by day – through your struggles to grow within the Love and Guidance of Bahá´u´láh.

May you always be happy and full of servitude.

Thank you,

——

Step9: letter to my Ex Boyfriend


Dear —–,

Thanks for being open to this. As mentioned in my earlier message to you, the purpose of this letter is to apologise. It is really hard to put together an exhaustive list of situations that may have caused you harm, So I won’t.

That being said I want to admit to and apologise for my attitude and actions. In our relationship and interaction I have been self-centred, inconsiderate, fearful, resentful, dishonest and self-righteous. On many occasions it was all about what is convenient for me, what was right for me and what was fun for me. To a large extent your feelings, circumstances, efforts and all else was secondary, and I am truly sorry for that.

You are under no obligation to respond to this. Though if you do, I will listen with a humble attitude and do my best to make things right.

I would also ask that you keep this confidential.

Thanks
—–

Step 9 – Making direct amends wherever possible.


Shortly after I wrote the title of this post I had to go back and find the date of when I actually completed my Step 8. It was the 17th of December. It took me close to 3 weeks before I made my first amends on the 5th of January. My first was my sister. My sister and I are friends and she made it so easy for me. She was really cute about it.

Those of you who read my “first challenge” post know how worried I was about making amends to my wife. Anyway two days ago was her birthday. Since we started dating and her birthday has been a multi-step surprise with a wow factor. She almost always left blown away about how I planned her birthday. This year, I just couldn’t plan anything. I was in an utter state of confusion about my feelings, emotions and about her and us as a couple. So I couldn’t put on a show. It would have been just more of the old me. I also considered making amends to her on her birthday but I wasn’t sure that is the right thing to do. So I spent the whole day of her birthday reflecting on it.

The only thing I prepared for her birthday is a card with the palm print of my kids on it. Then I took the card and drove to her work place to surprise her while my mom looked after the kids. I picked her up and we drove to a nice area and we started walking around. Up until the moment I opened my mouth I wasn’t sure if I’m going to make amends or not. I started by stating that I didn’t get her anything for her birthday but this (pointing to myself) and stating that it is not all that to brag about. She knows I am working the steps so I refreshed her memories of what step 8 and step 9 talk about. I told her that she was on top of the list of people to make amends to. Then I went on sharing my character defects and specific scenarios where these character defects have caused her harm. I apologised and cried as I saw her cry. It was such an intimate loving conversation beyond my wildest imagination. I asked her, what I can do to make it up. She said, “You are already doing it”, “I can see a change in you as you work your recovery, it is not always a good change but it makes you real and makes you more human, so keep doing that, and I am proud of you”. To hear that just made me realize how fortunate, how lucky and how blessed I am to have her in my life. (Please remind me I said that when I come complaining about her in the future).

I did tell her about step 10 and that if she sticks around this won’t be the last time I am going to say sorry but I am willing to keep making progress. We hugged each other in tears and she told me that this was her best birthday ever. We had a nice dinner afterwards (it was a difficult task in NZ, not many places open late) then got home to watch a movie. Guess which movie? “Thanks for Sharing“!! I was scared to death but it went alright.

I would like to confirm that I didn’t share too many details about my acting out. I just talked about the character defects caused by my addiction (or causing my addiction) and how that caused her harm. She didn’t ask and I didn’t feel a need to volunteer information. At this point it felt like the truth might set me free and send someone else to hell and that falls under “injure them or others” in my current understanding. I might gain a different understanding as I progress through recovery, but for the time being I feel aided by my Higher Power to do what I need to do and I follow that guidance.

Thanks for reading. Please share your thoughts.

 

Maybe …


Maybe it is just the heat, or maybe I feel this way cause I over eat, or do I eat because of the things I can’t defeat

How about just a treat, maybe I will fall standing on my feet, who am I kidding, recovery isn’t an easy feat

All this hard work, all this pain all the energy I could deplete

If I were to give in.

The heat is causing people to strip, shorts and pants barely hanging above the hip! Guys with sexy abs filling me with shame and my tummy size has only me to blame.

Should I diet? Or have one more bite? LCHF or run up a cliff, or maybe some sit-ups and push-ups.

I could go to the Gym, and hope not to lust over he and him. I could make my amends and give up the false pretence. Or I could do the pile of work that has been accumulating, that must be better than procrastinating.

I can’t live life the same way I did. I had a smile I had wit, I had patience my wife couldn’t get. I can’t get lean and pretend to be clean while having sex like a machine. I can’t binge eat and get fat on each treat and be unexplainably depressed I can’t keep lying and watch the time flying I can’t just live life the same way I did and all I feel like doing now is get another hit.