Step 9 – First challenge

I didn’t think I will be posting another entry so soon. But here I am.

You all probably know that I completed step 8 and that I am moving to step 9. My first homework was to prioritise the list. I needed categorise which amends are going to be direct vs indirect. Which amends will be made immediately vs deferred. I thought this was an easy task. I prioritised my wife, parents, sibling and children. They are all to be direct amends and as soon as possible. Then the list went on.

I was hoping to make amends to my wife first. I talked to my sponsor about it and the challenge appeared clear. Before my wife and I got married I had told her that I have same sex attraction. I remember at the time telling her “I am bi sexual, and I had a boyfriend”. It took her a while to get comfortable with that fact. And then we got married. I progressively started referring to my sexuality as “gay” rather than “bi” as I really have no attraction to women whatsoever.

Anyway, if you’ve read one of my earliest posts “I am a Sex and Love Addict” you’d know how I came to SLAA in the first place. my wife pretty much knows as much as that blog entry, she knew about my journey, the support group I wanted to start and the fact that I identified as a sex and love addict after my first SLAA meeting. I have been going to meetings since and I am working the steps so she knows when I am in a SLAA meeting, when I am talking to my sponsor, having outreach calls or even out of town for a SLAA camp. She noticed that I have changed and she attributes this to my recovery. The one thing she doesn’t know, is the extent of my acting out. She doesn’t know that I was unfaithful.

I want to do this right. I want to be rigorously honest yet at the same time I was planning to make amends to my wife without completely revealing the details. I have considered that telling her I was unfaithful qualifies as one of the things “when to do so would injure them or others”. Today on my call with my sponsor he questioned my logic. He doesn’t want me to mention too many details but certainly feel that if I were to hide the fact that I was unfaithful then I am not being completely honest.

I don’t know what to do. The only decision I made was to move my wife to the deferred amends and pray about it. I am outreaching and sharing with others asking for Experience, Strength and Hope and if anyone who reads this has something to offer I welcome your thoughts.

6 thoughts on “Step 9 – First challenge

  1. There’s nothing wrong with being hyper sexual or polygamous. Be totally honest. Be exactly who you want to be and find somebody who loves you for that. If it’s not your wife, then she’s not your soulmate and you shouldn’t be with her.

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    1. we have different views here dragonslut. there is (in my view) something wrong with not being monogamous and preserving sex to one partner. I wouldn’t be in recovery from sex addiction if I believed otherwise.

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      1. I lie to none of my lovers. You lie to the one you love the most. That is what’s wrong. She doesn’t know who you are or have been. Your sponsor wants you to keep deceiving her. I say you won’t be giving her the chance to make a true connection with you. Your lies isolate you and make you feel alone. Now it may well be your wife has never cheated. But it will have crossed her mind, and if you’ve cheated then she has the right to as well. But more than that she has the right to make a fully informed decision. If she finds out details later you will cause her far more damage by continuing to lie. Its not right and you know it, otherwise you wouldn’t have asked.

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  2. Pingback: Step 9 – Making direct amends wherever possible. | Memoirs of a Sex and Love Addict

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