I am sober by a miracle!
So since my last post I had my breakfast and got ready for work and off I went. The work day went well. Many of my colleagues weren’t present because they were tired from the party the night before and decided to work from home.
There is something I forgot to tell you about the work function the night before. We played games and one of the games was to take a few pictures of people at our table doing different funny things. One of them was “a picture of 8 people at the table acting as if they were caught naked”. There was a table that I originally wanted to sit on because it has my boss and a few others that newly became in my team, but it was too full so I ended up somewhere else. The men on that table went to the bathroom, stripped to their undies and took the picture. Also another colleague of mine who I acted out with a few times was in the bathroom at the time, so he joined in the picture. I was so glad I wasn’t sitting on that table.
Anyway, back to my day at work, it was productive despite the last minute meeting cancellations from people who didn’t show up. While I am walking around the office I bumped into that colleague I acted out with. He started talking about the party, showing me the picture and explaining what happened. While the conversation lasted only for a minute and a half I was slightly aroused, so I kept the chat short and continued to where I was going.
I went to the SLAAONLINE.com chat room and shared and I felt comfortable, I was attributing the comfort to having done step five. I am still a sex and love addict, I will get triggered but they won’t kill me. So I am alright.
Later on I attended the NZ SLAA Skype Meeting. It was helpful and I shared. Then when it was over, I took off, ran a few errands then met a female friend of mine for dinner. Great food and lovely company. Then she walked me to my hotel.
I got to my room and decided to treat myself to a bath. While in the bath I started thinking about going to a male grooming studio to do a boyzillian. I have been wanting to do this for a while but recently I decided it is not appropriate given my stage of recovery. When I was doing my step five with my sponsor I told him that I won’t do it. Yet while in the tub I thought it is a very legitimate idea. I started looking for available studios at this hour, called a few until I found one that was open. The way I was searching reminded me of the way I was searching for a fix when I acted out. This time I didn’t waste hours but still the feeling was the same.
When I realized that my addict was at play, I called another SLAA member to outreach, he didn’t answer. So I went ahead, made an appointment and the place happened to be so close to the hotel and very affordable. So I walked over.
The guy had the wax on the burner and the process started!! It was painful! And as the process went on I realized that I am at risk. The guy was obviously gay. He wasn’t making any advances or anything but still it was a risk. I started talking about my wife and my kids, I started praying in my head that nothing happens. And nothing did. So I walked out of that studio with a lot less hair and a lot more humiliation. I felt so humiliated by my actions. Which was probably a good thing, cause I was getting a bit too confident with the sense of serenity I had and the sobriety I am clocking.
The SLAA member called me back just as I left the studio, I outreached. I sent a message to my sponsor and told him what happened, he asked me to read Chapter 3 of the AA big book, reminding me that mixing it with milk doesn’t work. And I went the hotel and slept.
This morning I had an outreach call with another SLAA member that drew a parallel between my overeating the night before and what I did last night. He talked about breaking boundaries trying to figure out what “safe” boundaries can I cross without getting in too deep. He also talked about himself when he did this and how eventually we’ll break a boundary that isn’t safe. It was a very interesting thought. I need to pay attention to it.
I am thankful to have remained sober. I am still feeling humiliated and humbled by my action.
Tonight I fly back home. Will write to you then 🙂