It is appalling how I never made a career out of it, I am so good at it, and I believe myself. and when I am not acting, or when I am tired of it, I am ‘acting out’ the addicts reading this will know exactly what that means, and for the rest of you it means I give into my addictive behaviour.
I was in a SLAA meeting on Sunday and one lady talked about how she was playing an actress in her marriage, another guy talked about being a performer and I heard myself speaking through their stories. I am such a performer, I am so good at it. Actually I always wanted to act, and I still do, if an opportunity presented itself, I will take it. Putting it out there.
So when I first came to SLAA I was humbled by the fact that I knew very little about the journey I am about to start. I am the resourceful one, the one that is always a couple of steps ahead of people around me, I coach them and counsel them. And suddenly I was surrounded by people who had milestones of sobriety and step work ahead of me. I knew I am addict when I sat in that room, I knew I had to work on my recovery, but my first thought was “I better start catching up”
On my second meeting I asked for a sponsor, I approached the guy who raised his hand to be a sponsor, only to find out he didn’t do the steps, he was only two weeks sober, and had been in the program for a few weeks before me. The thought that came to my head was: “these people don’t know what sponsorship means, I better work the program quickly so I can show them how it is done! then start sponsoring them.” Humble, right? ….. NOT
Then comes this very blog, these very words I am typing, “Message of recovery”, or “a place to express myself”, it is still part of the act, I want to shine, and I want to look good. I am the guy who has this wonderful recovery story that will help others start their journey of recovery, but who cares about their journey, I just want to know how many clicks I got on my blog!! I actually do check the number of readers whenever I post a new entry.
Will you stop reading my blog after this? I really hope you don’t, I am learning and growing through recovery, I am still at step 4, I am full of character defects and this is just one of them. So if you want to stick around you might see a different person. But please don’t just be a click or a view figure, make up an anonymous name and talk to me. Share your story or comment on mine.