It is appalling how I never made a career out of it, I am so good at it, and I believe myself. and when I am not acting, or when I am tired of it, I am ‘acting out’ the addicts reading this will know exactly what that means, and for the rest of you it means I give into my addictive behaviour.
I was in a SLAA meeting on Sunday and one lady talked about how she was playing an actress in her marriage, another guy talked about being a performer and I heard myself speaking through their stories. I am such a performer, I am so good at it. Actually I always wanted to act, and I still do, if an opportunity presented itself, I will take it. Putting it out there.
So when I first came to SLAA I was humbled by the fact that I knew very little about the journey I am about to start. I am the resourceful one, the one that is always a couple of steps ahead of people around me, I coach them and counsel them. And suddenly I was surrounded by people who had milestones of sobriety and step work ahead of me. I knew I am addict when I sat in that room, I knew I had to work on my recovery, but my first thought was “I better start catching up”
On my second meeting I asked for a sponsor, I approached the guy who raised his hand to be a sponsor, only to find out he didn’t do the steps, he was only two weeks sober, and had been in the program for a few weeks before me. The thought that came to my head was: “these people don’t know what sponsorship means, I better work the program quickly so I can show them how it is done! then start sponsoring them.” Humble, right? ….. NOT
Then comes this very blog, these very words I am typing, “Message of recovery”, or “a place to express myself”, it is still part of the act, I want to shine, and I want to look good. I am the guy who has this wonderful recovery story that will help others start their journey of recovery, but who cares about their journey, I just want to know how many clicks I got on my blog!! I actually do check the number of readers whenever I post a new entry.
Will you stop reading my blog after this? I really hope you don’t, I am learning and growing through recovery, I am still at step 4, I am full of character defects and this is just one of them. So if you want to stick around you might see a different person. But please don’t just be a click or a view figure, make up an anonymous name and talk to me. Share your story or comment on mine.
Check out David on the online group. Similar story, not sure if he sponsors.
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Thanks for the tip Rob, are you talking about the Skype meeting?
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