Throughout my life I was searching, for the one, the one that will solve all my problems, who will be the source of satisfaction for all my needs. The one who is going to have profound conversations with me about deep topics and at the same time let me be silly and crazy, so we can laugh together. The one who will be there when I need them and leave me alone when I need my space. The one who will let me help them when they struggle and be independent and figure it out when I need them to be. The one who will understand my emotions and relate to them. The one who will have their emotions in check and have it together. The one who basically doesn’t exist anywhere except in my fantasy world even if all I fantasise about materialized in a person, it would still not live up to my expectations (I didn’t always know that). But I was still searching for them anyway.
I don’t know what created the connection between that search and acting out. Could it be the attention I received from my cousin when they touched me sexually as a child? Could it be the older neighbourhood kid who touched me and gave me an impression that I could fit if I let him play a bit? Somehow sometime in the past I thought I could find what I am looking for while acting out. The pattern got strengthened through my behaviour in the following years of teenage and early adulthood.
I am almost always believing in the possibility of finding THE ONE whenever I go act out. This time will be different, this time I will have a great conversation, this time I will establish a connection with somebody and we will be friends and then I will stop acting out ever again. What a fool I am or what an addict!!
Happy to be sober today and to realize that while I still crave for the one which makes me crave acting out I know I won’t find him through acting out so I will remain sober.