It is a find day over here, I am sober and I am thankful to God for that. I am feeling clear minded so I thought I’d share some thoughts. if you’ve been following my blog you’d know that about two months ago I started working on my Step 4, I am still working on it and I am making progress. The way I am approaching this step with the help of my sponsor requires going through a number of worksheets, first resentment, then Fear, then sexual conduct and finally people we’ve harmed. My resentment list wasn’t very long but it took a lot out of me to complete, the fear list was relatively easy to compile. Now that I type this I remember that I finished typing the list but I am yet to recite the prayer as prescribed. I have been continually praying though, so I should include the portion around specifically asking God to remove my fears.
A few days ago after I finished my fear list I had a call with my sponsor. the call started with me saying that I am doing great, I was almost uncertain that I am done with my fear list, BUT, after a couple of questions from my sponsor he concluded that I am done and that I shouldn’t try to make it perfect. That meant I had to move on to the next stage: Sexual Conduct! So as we are talking on the phone I pulled the instruction sheet and started looking at the work required for this part of the step and I found myself in tears. It was overwhelming to think that I will have to write down my sexual history, I don’t even think I am capable of remembering an exhaustive list not to mention scared of seeing it on paper.
The call ended and I didn’t touch my list, I read the instructions but I left it at that. then I got really busy for a couple days and I started to realize that I am avoiding the work and so I decided to be willing and I popped open my worksheet and started writing a list of names of people that I acted out with. It was hard in ways I was not expecting. I expected to feel a bit of shame or guilt but rather I was turned on! the memories kept coming back combined with a number of insane thoughts around what I could have done with that person and what I missed out on with this person and all sorts of sexual fantasies kept popping like popcorn in my head. All I wanted to do at that moment is go act out. I was angry at myself for deleting all messages, apps, contact details of people that I could act out with. Of course I knew other ways to act out but while craving it so much I still didn’t want to throw away the program and my sobriety.
I texted roughly about six SLAA members telling them exactly that” I am working on my sexual inventory and all I want to do is go have sex”, then I left my phone and went and said my prayers after my prayers I came back to my phone to see a few replies, some made me laugh, some gave me hope and others cheered me on to keep going. These messages got me through the next couple of hours. I got to my desk at work and still the thoughts haven’t left me, I know exactly where to go, what to do to add a couple of items to my list. I decided to go to the online SLAA IRC chat room, over there I chatted with a lovely bunch of recovering SLAA members and one of them “heard” me share as I typed away and got it all out that I was so emotional my tears were flowing while sitting at my desk at work, I had to step away and get it together so I don’t have to explain to people around me what is going on.
The tears helped, I felt much better and that got me through the next couple of hours of the day and that got me to my next SLAA meeting. I was so happy to be at the meeting. I was so happy to have remained sober.
More work to go with my step 4 and I will be here again writing about it.