4 doesn’t equal 8 and certainly not 9

It should be simple math isn’t it, and I am good at math. so I am working on my step 4 as I mentioned on my last blog and I am making some progress.

Right now I am working on my resentment list. I thought I don’t have a lot of resentment but then occasionally something comes up that I didn’t want to admit or put on the list. like the video guy that ruined my wedding video. as I go through the list and try to get to the exact nature of my wrong it gets hard and emotional sometimes. It sometimes feels like I am letting them off the hook if I were to admit my wrongs. I know it isn’t the case but sometimes it does feel that way.

so there is a person that needs to make it to my resentment list and while thinking about them and about what could possibly by my part in it, I started jumping ahead, and thinking well they are a person I harmed, so they are going to be on my step 8 list, then oh dear does that mean I have to make amends when I get to step 9?  HELL NO, they are the bad ones not me, I am not making amends!!

I had an emotional phone call with my sponsor, shared with him how I feel, he validated my emotions and my struggle, reminded me that it is MY inventory not theirs, and looking at my character defects is for me to get well not for them to get away with it. he also reminded me that I am in step 4 and I should now do my best to follow the step 4 instructions. and he also reminded me to remain willing, he discourage me using words like I refuse, I don’t want to etc. yet he acknowledged that I might not be ready now, but I am willing to go through it and trust in the process, trust in God.

 

2 thoughts on “4 doesn’t equal 8 and certainly not 9

  1. Good progress my friend. The part about “letting them off the hook” got me thinking : I don’t mind letting anyone off the hook if it can help me giving myself the same courtesy. Because all I need is to let go of the noise in my brain.

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    1. You are totally right! It sometimes feel like forgiving is giving them a favour they don’t deserve, obviously at this moment I am totally dismissing how much forgiveness I need and not deserve! Forgiving them in fact will reduce the noise in my head and I do need that for my recovery.

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