It has been 4 weeks since I went to my first SLAA meeting. My life after that was an emotional rollercoaster.
the meeting was on a Thursday, and that is when I had the “realization”. afterwards I was confused and unsure what to do next, but then guess what, on Friday I went and acted out. (that is the term 12 steps fellowships use for doing the behaviour you are addicted to) then I decided I must get out of this pattern and stop, I need to start my journey. on Sunday I bought the Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous book and started going through it. it was overwhelming! The magnitude of the issue took its toll on me. I started to educate myself and assert my ability to go through this, cause I am powerful resources and I won’t let this beat me.
I am still “sober” but I am struggling with every day, every man around me is a trigger, every free hour is a potential for acting out. then I started having weird dreams which was… well weird. I was in touch with on SLA member from the UK via twitter and email and another SLA member in NZ via text and I see him in meetings. Communicating with both of them is what kept me going during tough times I also came across the SLAAOnline MIRC chat room, it was very helpful. and through that room I was introduced to another SLA in the US who’s story has more similarities to mine. then I went on a trip overseas, and while I thought I was in control I obviously was under the illusion of control and I sure acted out.
during my trip overseas I reached out to a few friends, two of which were acting out partners, and the third was someone whom I thought might be a love addict as his story resembled some of the stories I heard. two of them came with me to a local SLAA meeting and promised to look into it more. the third on is going to attend meetings at a later stage. I attended two SLAA meetings while overseas and they were very helpful and I had access to more resources. exchanged contacts with members and they still come in handy when I am struggling.
The emotional rollercoaster continued and I finally returned home. attending 3 meetings a week and talking to the US SLA Member every other day. learning so much about my powerlessness. I recognized being powerless on a rational level yet I am behaving in a way that says I am still in control, I guess as I keep at it I will be able to align my behaviour with the believe that I am powerless over my addiction
On Friday I asked the US SLA member to be my sponsor and he said yes. I am finally ready to start the process. we agreed to talk three times a week, they happen to be the same three days I have my SLAA meetings. call him in the morning and SLAA meeting in the evening. I am partially scared for the days in between but I will rely upon God to help me.
On Tuesday I did the third step with him, something magical happened. I have been studying that “how it works” chapter for the days leading to my Tuesday call with my sponsor. I ready the prayer multiple times I was scared, scared of not being able to follow through, then my sponsor gently reminded me of spiritual progress not perfection. I then recited the prayer on the phone with him. and something magical happened. I was so touch by the prayer my emotions were so strong my tears forced themselves to my eyes and I was barely compose enough to finish it and not cry.
I have been trying to say my prayers every day since.
I will write more later, 🙂 have a sober day.